I took my wife to a fancy French restaurant in the rich part of town the otehr night and for some strange reason the waiter took my order first.
Not wanting to make a scene, I said, “I’ll have the strip steak cooked medium rare, please.”
In a snooty French accent he then asked, “Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?”
“Nah, she can order for herself.”
Never got to eat my steak, but the doctors say I’ll be back on solid foods in a few weeks.
Last night I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Coors Light for $14.95.
Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.
Later I tried to explain to her how the beer would make her look ten times better at night than the cold cream.
The swelling in my right eye finally went down enough for me to see around three this afternoon.
My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, “Do you want to have sex?”
“No,” she quickly answered and then turned away.
Thinking I could win her over with charm, I then asked, “Is that your final answer?”
This time she didn’t even turn around before simply saying, “No.”
So I said, “Then I’d like to phone a friend…”
I had no idea you could get a concussion from a cell phone…
I asked my wife, ‘Where do you want to go for our anniversary?’
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation. “Somewhere I haven’t been in a long time!” she said.
So I suggested, “How about the kitchen?”
Needless to say I spent our anniversary alone, bleeding, and in the emergency room.
One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift.
The next year, he didn’t buy her a gift.
When she asked him why, he replied, “Well, you still haven’t used the gift I bought you last year!”
A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, “What is this Father?”
The father, never having seen an elevator before, responded, “Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don’t know what it is.”
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room.
The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son….. “Go get your Mother.”
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women’s locker room.
When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover.
The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, ‘What’s the matter, haven’t you ever seen a little boy before?’
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It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me.
‘Is that a dog you got back there?’ he asked.
‘It sure is,’ I replied.
The boy looked back at the dog, paused for a few moments, and asked, ‘What did he do?’
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While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds.
She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs.
One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass.
As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, ‘The tooth fairy will never believe this!’
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A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, ‘Daddy, you shouldn’t wear that suit.’
‘And why not, darling?’
‘You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.’
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