30 Oct, 2015
For one evening each year children (and candy-starved adults) get to run around the neighborhood dressed up in strange clothing… while asking for sweet, tasty treats guaranteed to keep dentists in business for a long time to come.
To help children make the most of their Halloween experience, The Onion put together a list of tips and tricks that will make this the best Halloween EVER!
When it comes to selecting a costume, remain flexible. Some beloved public figure could suddenly die, and you wouldn’t want to miss your chance to make fun of that. Reopening any partially healed wounds is a fun and easy way to save money on expensive costumes.
When assembling a trick-or-treating group, remember to fill your ranks with the brains, the muscle, the looks, and the wildcard.
Leave Randy at home. He can barely walk in that panda costume and he’ll only slow you down.
Goblins and ghosts can be frightening for young children. Parents should prepare them by startling them in costume at all hours for several weeks leading up to Halloween.
Houses with the lights out mean no one’s home, so go in through the garage and help yourself to whatever’s in the fridge.
To maximize your route, start early on the East Coast and trick-or-treat westward with the sunset.
If you encounter a bowl of candy left unattended on a front porch, consult the latest census data and take the percentage of candy allotted to you based on population.
Criminals love to poison the Crunch bars, so you’d better just give those and anything with nougat to Mommy.
There you have it, folks: some real world advice on maximizing your Halloween haul! Now get out there score you some super sized sugar snacks!