Blakk Frogg Joke Blog

Al Qaeda Terrorist Goes to Heaven

admin — Fri, 05 Mar 2010 14:26:51 +0000

Abu al-Zarqawi died and George Washington met him at the Pearly Gates.
George reached back like a pimp, slapped him across the face, and yelled, “How dare you try to destroy the nation I helped conceive!”

Patrick Henry approached, drew back his fist, punched him in the nose, and shouted, “You wanted to end our liberties but you failed!”

James Madison followed, kicked him in the groin, and said, “This is why I allowed our government to provide for the common defense!”

Thomas Jefferson then beat al-Zarqawi with a long cane and snarled, “It was Evil men like you who inspired me to write the Declaration of Independence!”

The beatings and thrashings continued as George Mason, James Monroe, and 66 other early Americans unleashed their anger on the terrorist Leader.

As al-Zarqawi lay bleeding profusely and in excruciating pain, an Angel appeared.

Al- Zarqawi wept and with blood in his teeth said, “This is not what you promised me…”

The Angel replied softly, “I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you in Heaven. What did you think I said?”

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Dog Clings to Tailgate of Moving Pickup Truck

admin — Thu, 04 Mar 2010 14:14:31 +0000

So the other day while standing in line at Wal-Mart I overheard an older lady telling the cashier, who didn’t really appear to pay much attention to the woman, that she saw a man driving a pickup truck down the interstate… with a dog hanging on to the tailgate for dear life.

I thought to myself, “Oh boy. Another weirdo at Wal-Mart.”

The woman continued on with her story despite the cashier’s total lack of response. She said, “If that man hadn’t been driving that pickup so fast in the other direction she’d have turned around and have tried to stop him. And save that poor, poor animal. It’s a shame what people do these days.”

And with those words, the old woman gathered her three bags and walked off.

Probably just a crazy old woman looking for some conversation, right? Ha! Not hardly!

A few weeks later my neighbor Jim stops me by the mailbox and tells me he saw the darn funniest thing he’s ever seen in his life so I ask him what he saw.

Jim takes out his phone and shows me this:

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Apparently Jim waited for the owner of the vehicle to come out of the store, ‘cuz retired people have time to wait around in Bass Pro Shop parking lots, and talked to the owner of the truck, a local taxidermist with a great sense of humor.

And it’s not a dog, it’s a coyote.

Sex… and Russian Drivers

admin — Sat, 30 Jan 2010 21:09:47 +0000

OK, so maybe we slacked off a bit recently with the posts… Deal with it!

At least we don’t drive around having sex like 25% of he population in Russia.

MOSCOW, Russia — Knowing that a high percentage of the drivers around you have been drinking vodka has always made driving in Russia a, shall we say, bit of a challenge, Voyeurwebbers. Now, it is even more of a challenge.

A poll released by KRC Research and Goodyear revealed that about 25 percent of Russians have had sex while driving…

Well… Vodka makes Blakk Frogg and all his amphibious bastard posse do many, many bad things. So this latest revelation(?) does not surprise us. At all.

We need lawyers… by the way. And more vodka. Lol.

Here… Have some skin. We hear it does a body good.

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US Military Bumper Stickers

admin — Tue, 26 Jan 2010 01:01:35 +0000

“Except For Ending Slavery, Fascism, Nazism and Communism, WAR has Never Solved Anything.”

“U.S. Marines – Certified Counselors to the 72 Virgins Dating Club.”

“Water-boarding is out so kill them all!”

“Interrogators can’t water-board dead guys”

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“U.S. Marines – Travel Agents To Allah”

“Stop Global Whining”

“When In Doubt, Empty The Magazine”

“Navy seals – When It Absolutely, Positively Has To Be Destroyed Overnight”

“Death Smiles At Everyone – Delta Force Smile Back”

“Army Sniper – You can run, but you’ll just die tired!”

“What Do I Feel When I Kill A Terrorist? A Little Recoil”

“Marines – Providing Enemies of America an Opportunity To Die For their Country Since 1775″

“Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Anyone Who Threatens It”

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“Happiness Is A Belt-Fed Weapon”

“It’s God’s Job to Forgive Bin Laden – It’s Our Job To Arrange The Meeting”

“Artillery Brings Dignity to What Would Otherwise Be Just A Vulgar Brawl”

“One Shot, Twelve Kills – U.S. Naval Gun Fire Support”

“Do Draft-Dodgers Have Reunions? If So, What Do They Talk About?”

“My Kid Fought In Iraq So Your Kid Can Party In College”

“Machine Gunners – Accuracy By Volume”

“A Dead Enemy Is A Peaceful Enemy – Blessed Be The Peacemakers”

“If You Can Read This, Thank A Teacher. If You Can Read It In English, Thank A Veteran”

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Truth About Prayer at Work

admin — Wed, 20 Jan 2010 12:37:07 +0000

Some people have advocated for prayter in the workplace and some have argued against it. Truthfully speaking, only one reality exists in the workplace when it comes to prayer and lucky for you, we have figured it out for you:

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Dogs Need Sexual Satisfaction, Too

admin — Wed, 20 Jan 2010 08:37:07 +0000

Blakk Frogg received these two pics recently and thought to himself, “Self? Yes, Self. You ought to post those two pictures together. Great idea, Self!”

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Yep. Dogs can’t always find a sex partner and so legs become their next best option!

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For those unable to figure out WHY these two images went so well together, Blakk Frogg suggests you re-locate your head from between your nasty, unwashed, full of flies, buttcheeks and come up for air!

How to Self-Diagnose PMS

admin — Tue, 19 Jan 2010 08:37:07 +0000

A recent study by the University of Pissed Off Women has come up with a list of ways in which women can self-diagnose their own PMS:

1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.

2. You’re adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.

3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.

4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.

5. You’re using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says, “How’s my driving – call 1-800-***-****.”

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6. Everyone’s head looks like an invitation to batting practice.

7. You’re convinced there’s a God and he’s male.

8. You’re counting down the days until menopause.

9. You’re sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.

10. The Motrin bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.

= = = = = = =

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Why Older Women Are Better

admin — Mon, 18 Jan 2010 08:37:07 +0000

An older woman will never wake you up in the middle of the night and ask you, “What are you thinking?” An older woman doesn’t care what you think.

An older woman always carries a condom in her purse. A younger woman is still hoping the guy might have one on him.

An older woman is a cheaper date. A younger woman will cost you 12 beers, but an older woman will sleep with you after a cup of herbal tea.

An older woman can wear bright red lipstick during the day without looking like she just had an adventure inside a jam jar. This is not true of younger women or drag queens.

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Older women can run faster because they’re always wearing sensible shoes.

There’s no need to be phobic about “committing” to an older woman – the last thing she needs in her life is another clingy, whiny, dependent man.

Older women are more honest. An older woman will tell you that you are an asshole if you’re acting like one. A young woman will say nothing, just in case it means you might break up with her.

Older women have jobs with dental plans. Younger women can’t help you when you need to start replacing your old fillings.

An older woman will never accuse you of “using her.” She’s using you!

Older women know how to cook. Young women know how to dial Pizza Hut Take out.

An older woman will introduce you to all of her girlfriends. A younger woman will avoid her girlfriends when she’s with you, in case you get any ideas…

Older women are psychic. You never have to confess to having an affair, because somehow they always know.

Older women often own an interesting collection of lingerie that they have acquired from admirers over the years. Young women often don’t wear underpants at all, thus practically eliminating all possibility of a strip-tease.

Older women know what Kegel exercises are.

An older woman will agree to go to McDonald’s with you for a meal.

Younger women are too nervous to eat anything in front of somebody that they might possibly boff later.

Older women are dignified. They are beyond having a screaming match with you in the middle of the night in a public park.

An older woman will always meet the minimum height requirement to go on an amusement ride.

An older woman will never accuse you of stealing the best years of her youth because chances are someone else has stolen them first.

Rose Buds and Hanging Baskets

admin — Sun, 17 Jan 2010 08:37:07 +0000

A teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with this see-through blouse on and no bra. Her grandmother just pitched a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that!

The teenager tells her ‘Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rose buds show!’ and out she goes.

The next day the teenager comes down stairs, and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on. The teenager wants to die.

She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming overand that it is just not appropriate….

The grandmother says, ‘Loosen up, Sweetie. If you can show off your rose buds, then I can display my hanging baskets.’

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Man Goes to Hell and Meets Satan

admin — Sat, 16 Jan 2010 08:37:07 +0000

One day a guy dies and finds himself in Hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the devil…

Satan: “Why so glum?”

Guy: “What do you think? I’m in Hell!”

Satan: “Hell’s not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?”

Guy: “Sure, I love to drink.”

Satan: “Well, you’re gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that’s all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, Tab, and Fresca. We drink ’til we throw up, and then we drink some more! And you don’t have to worry about getting a hangover, because you’re dead anyway.”

Guy: “Gee that sounds great!”

Satan: “You a smoker?”

Guy: “You better believe it!”

Satan: “All right! You’re gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world, and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer – no biggie, you’re already dead, remember?”

Guy: “Wow…that’s awesome!”

Satan: “I bet you like to gamble.”

Guy: “Why, yes, as a matter of fact I do.”

Satan: “Good, ’cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, it doesn’t matter, you’re dead anyhow.”

Guy: “Cool!”

Satan: “What about Drugs?”

Guy: “Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don’t mean…?”

Satan: “That’s right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want. You’re dead so who cares.”

Guy: “Wow! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!”

Satan: “You gay?”

Guy: “No…”

Satan: “Ooooh, Fridays are gonna be tough…”

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