Now Miss Crabtree had taught grammar school for thirty-some-odd years. So she asked little Sammy what he meant by that, despite her mounting fears. Full of grins and mischief, and in the flower of his youth, little Sammy and trouble were old friends, but he always told the truth.

“You see, Miss Crabtree, at the ranch we got this here lowdown coyote. The last few nights he done et six hens and killed Ma’s best milk goat. And last night, when Daddy heard a noise out in the chicken pen, he grabbed his gun and said to Ma, “That coyote’s back again, I’m a gonna git him!’”

“‘Stay back!” he yelled to all us kids.”

He was naked as a jaybird, no boots, no pants, no shirt!

To the hen house he crawled, just like an Injun on the snoop. Then he stuck that double barrel through the window of the coop. As he stared into the darkness, with coyotes on his mind, our old hound dog Zeke had done woke up and come sneakin’ up behind Daddy. Then we all looked on plumb helpless, as old Zeke stuck that cold nose in Daddy’s crack!

“Miss Crabtree, we been cleanin’ chicken guts out of the hen house since three o’clock this mornin’!”

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The Canadian says, “I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada .”

Pooooof! With a blink of the Genie’s eye, the land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming.

Osama bin Laden was amazed, so he said, “I want an impenetrable wall around Afghanistan, Iraq, Iran, and Syria with all believers of Mohammad inside and all Jews, Americans, and other infidel forever outside our precious state.”

Pooooof! Again, with the blink of the Genie’s eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.

The American engineer asks, “I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall”.

The Genie explains, “Well, it’s 5000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds these countries……. it’s virtually impenetrable. Now what is your wish?”

The American engineer smiles and says, “World Peace.”

Pooooof! The Genie fills inside the wall with water!

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Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance — Particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0, NBA 3.0, and Golf Clubs 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I’ve tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed, Desperate

————————

Dear Desperate:

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, While Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.

Please enter the command: “http://I-Thought-You-Loved-Me.HTML” and try to download Tears 6.2 and don’t forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.

If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.

Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources).

Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance.

We recommend Food 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck,

Tech Support

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The first man looked very puzzled at the dog and asked why it was allowed on the plane.

The second man explained that he was a DEA agent, and the dog was a drug-sniffing dog he worked with. His name is Sniffer, and he’s the best there is. I’ll show you once we get airborne, when I will put him to work.

The plane took off, and once it leveled out, the agent said “watch this”, and he told Sniffer to go search.

Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. He then returned to his seat and put one paw on the agent’s arm. The agent said, “good boy”, turned to the other man and said, “that woman is in possession of marijuana, so I’m making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.

“Gosh, that’s pretty neat” replied the first man.

Once again, the agent sent Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, and then returned to his seat and placed two paws on the agent’s arm.

The agent said, “that man is carrying cocaine, so again, I’m making a note of his seat number for the police.”

“That’s amazing” said his seat mate.

The agent then told Sniffer to search again. Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for awhile, sat down for a moment,and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat, and pooped all over the place.

The first man was really grossed out by this behavior, and couldn’t figure out how or why a well-trained dog would act like that. “What’s going on?” he asked the agent.

The agent nervously replied, “He just found a bomb.”

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MR. JAMES THATCHER
BRAND MANAGER
PROCTER & GAMBLE

Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your Always maxi pads for over 20 years, and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I’d probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I’d certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi-pads be aerodynamic. I can’t tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there’s a little F-16 in my panties.

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Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from “the curse”? I’m guessing you haven’t. Well, my “time of the month” is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I’ll be transformed into what my husband likes to call “an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.” Isn’t the human body amazing?

As brand manager in the feminine-hygiene division, you’ve no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers’ monthly visits from Aunt Flo. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it’s a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend’s testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey’s Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy! The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants. Which brings me to the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: “Have a Happy Period.” Are you f…ing kidding me?!

What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness - is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you’re some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything “happy” about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don’t march down to the local Walgreens armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory. For the love of God, pull your head out, man. If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn’t it make more sense to say something that’s actually pertinent, like “Put Down the Hammer” or “Vehicular Manslaughter Is Wrong”? Or are you just picking on us?

Sir, please inform your accounting department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flexi-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bullsh!t, and that’s a promise I will keep.

Always.

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So I hung upside down on the ceiling and made funny noises.

My co-worker (who’s blonde) asked me what I was doing?

I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think I was “CRAZY” and give me a few days off.

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked, “What are you doing?”

I told him I was a light bulb.

He said, “You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days”.

I jumped down and walked out of the office. When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her “…And where do you think you’re going?”

She said, “I’m going home, too. I can’t work in the dark!”

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The passerby says, “You are mistaken, I am Mexican.”

The man goes on and encounters another passerby. “Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America!” The person says, “I not American, I Vietnamese.”

The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says, “Thank you for the wonderful America!” That person puts up his hand and says, “I am from Middle East. I am not American!”

He finally sees a nice lady and asks, “Are you an American?” She says, “No, I am from Russia!”

Puzzled, he asks her, “Where are all the Americans?”

The Russian lady checks her watch and says… “Probably at work.”

SimplyFrogg.Com and Americas-Best.Com

dogs screwing in family photo

And there you have it, folks. . . Unless you want dogs screwing in the background of a family photo, please leave the photography to the professionals.

Lazy bastards! Blakk Frogg hopes you choke on the most Popular Adult MySpace Comments for. . . July 2008

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What took so long for the world renowned Blakk Frogg to post this? Simple: ‘Cuz he’s always froggin’ drunk!

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