Dear Ronald McDonald,

For years we, the ever-expanding people, have ignored the obvious lie that your company cares for its customers as we happily wolfed down the innumerable grams of fat and billions of calories jam packed into just about everything on your menu. I don’t wish to discuss that today.

Instead, I’d like to ask WHY you hire people that cannot speak English and certainly do not seem as though they can read English, either.

Now before anyone gets mad, this letter has nothing to do with illegal aliens, ‘foreigners’, etc. This letter takes aim at US Citizens born and raised here in the United States that have spoken no other language than English in their whole miserable, stinkin’ lives.

It would make SENSE that a lifelong English speaking person could listen to an order given to them in clear English by a customer and/or read words written in English on a teleprompter screen, turn to co-workers and enunciate the syllables clearly so that nothing gets lost in translation — from English to English.

But NO, that does not happen. We, as a public, have gotten SO lazy in our use of language that we drop syllables out of words for the sake of our own convenience even if the syllables had a purpose. Never mind the fact that the party who CREATED the word put the syllables in there for a reason… so that people would understand what the f#$k the word really meant!

Americas Best MySpace Foods Comments

What sparked this tirade? Quite simply, the McDonald’s near my work has systematically screwed up the SAME simple order more times in the past year than I can keep track of and since different employees did it each time I have determined that the root cause of this problem comes from a societal problem rather than the idiocy of one loser with a piss poor education.

Do you see anything confusing in the following statement?

“Hi, I’d like a Sausage McMuffin with Egg, please.”

Somehow it continually gets turned into “I need a Sausage Muffin Egg” or “I need a Sausage (muffled sound)-Muffin” by someone in the restaurant and you know what happens? They give me a sausage patty w/ cheese on a muffin — despite the CLEAR wording on the receipt AND the teleprompter.

You will NEVER get out of that dead-end career path of yours, you ADULTS who keep f#$kin’ up my order. Do you SEE a ‘sausage egg muffin’ on the f#$kin’ menu? Huh? Do you? And then HOW do you forget to add the egg to the non-existent ‘sausage egg muffin’ you took the time to create in that puny little mind of yours?

Musta’ used up all your brainpower twisting a perfectly good food order given to you in English into an ebonically-enhanced, confusing collection of grammatical crap.

So, McDonald’s, although not very realistic or logical idea, perhaps you OUGHT to hire illegal aliens who have taken the time to learn English as a second language and strive each day to speak it better and with greater accuracy… instead of hiring Americans who take the English language for granted and pervert it to a point where no one can understand it…

… and as a result they f#$k up a simple breakfast order over and over again.

Americas Best MySpace Foods Comments

So, Ronald, it will suffice to say that I may have to abandon you as my source of quick breakfast foods. and besides… I heard some guy named The King stole your idea and sells it for a lot less roughly 50 yards down the road.

Sincerely,

– Blakk Frogg

They like to be held;

They like to be talked to;

And they like to be touched often.

But push the wrong button,

And your ass gets disconnected.

Americas Best MySpace Attitude Comments

At some point over that weekend the infamous Blakk Frogg decided to put a few things together that represented HIS Fourth of July Celebration and below you will see what that evil bastard came up with… after a full day of pounding beers, eating bacon and buying things to blow up.

Now if that photo doesn’t explain everything RIGHT w/ America, then what does? Granted Blakk Frogg omitted the inclusion of a Maxim Magazine cover, but only because his new edition had not arrived in the mail yet. Ha ha.

Blakk Frogg never bought fireworks legally before. If he had more money available, he’d have bought A WHOLE LOT MORE than he did — in spite of his girlfriend’s protests.

Something about hanging out with friends all day drinking ice cold beers pulled from a sizable “bucket of beer”, grilling a truckload of meat on the grill (most flavored somehow w/ bacon, of course), and then blowing things up LEGALLY really appeals to a Frogg.

Wait… Did you just see the award-winning phrase “bucket of beer” and NOT understand what that meant? Sinners! The whole lot of you! We must educate you, ya’ filthy heathens!

Yes. Yes we like beer. Yes we like bacon. Yes we wish the whole world would just stopping acting like a bunch of bitches and just send us all its beer and bacon.

Is that so WRONG?

Now we must tell you, though, that we had more beer lined up waiting to go in the fridge… but damn… don’t that there fridge full’o'beer look right perty?

Bottles of liquor made an appearance, too. More accurately they made a DISappearance. Ha ha. One of the liquor adventures included sample bottles of Jagermeister and Tequila Rose. The guy at the liquor store, an self-admitted lover of bacon, by the way, suggested we add a shot called Jagged Rose to the stuff we’d lined up on the counter already. Hmmmm…. How could we resist?

How’d it taste? Not too bad… Not too bad at all.

And now for the bacon

You didn’t think we’d post something and not mention bacon, did you? Silly rabbit! Take yourself out back and flog yourself with a gopher corpse!

So anyways, our hosts also love bacon and couldn’t WAIT to show us a new bacon-infused cheese their local deli recently began selling… and what better way to demonstrate the sheer awesomeness of a new cheese than over perfectly cooked, hand-packed burgers, right?

The cheese? Cheddar. The bacon? Applewood smoked. The verdict? Totally tasty! Go out and get some right now if you can!

Above you see a whole lot of bacon getting cooked up real nice on our hosts’ sweet bacon cookin’ griddle. Nothing says, “Good Morning, You Evil Little Amphibians” better than a griddle full of bacon!

His father said, “Son, we’d give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $280,000 & your mother just lost her job. There’s no way we can afford it right now.”

The next day the father saw little Joe heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, “Son, where are you going?”

Little Joe told him; “I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling Mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I’ll be damned if I’m staying here by myself with a $280,000 mortgage & no bike.”

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He arrives and plays a round of golf. It cost him a buck. When he goes for dinner that evening, it costs him another buck. His room is only a buck a day!

The day before he’s to check out, he heads out to play a last round and stops by the pro shop and charges a sleeve of three balls to his room.

When he’s checking out next morning, he looks at the bill and sees: Golf: $1.00 Dinner: $1.00. Room: $1.00. Sleeve of golf balls: $3,000.00. He hits the ceiling!

Calling over to the manager, he asks, “What is this all about? Everything is supposed to cost one dollar, and you charged me three thousand for three golf balls?”

“I’m sorry, sir,” said the manager, “but you didn’t read the fine print in our promotional brochure – that’s what our golf balls cost.”

“Well,” said the man, “If I wanted to spend that kind of money, I could’ve gone to that luxury hotel across the street and paid them a thousand dollars a day for a room. At least I would’ve known what I was paying for!”

“That’s right, sir, you could have,” said the manager. “Over there they get you by the room. Over here, we get you by the balls.”

It whispered, “I’m so lonely, too. Buy me and take me home with you. You won’t ever be lonely again.”

The old guy figured, what the heck… He hadn’t found anything else. So, he bought the frog and he placed it in the car on the front seat beside him.

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As he was slowly driving down the road, the frog whispered to him, “Kiss me and you won’t be sorry.”

So the old guy figured, what the heck, and kissed the frog.

Immediately The frog turned into an absolutely gorgeous, sexy, young, beautiful princess.

The princess then returned the old man’s kiss.

Suddenly, the old guy felt himself changing from her kiss.

Can you guess what he turned into?

C’mon…. Be a sport. Take a guess.

He turned into…

The first motel he could find!

He’s old…. not DEAD!

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Naturally you ant to know what went into “The George Burger”, right? Of course you do! In the words of this bacon-a-licious burger’s creator,

“3/4 lb of lean burger meat stuffed w/ horseradish, freshly grated cheddar, handfuls of crumbled bacon… then topped w/ swiss cheese. Oh, and of course more bacon!”

We will forgive George for neglecting to mention what looks like mayonnaise and lettuce on the burger once it got cut open, which happens in the next pic.

So if you ever feel the need to eat a giant, meaty, bacon-stuffed, beast-sized burger with a whole lot of flavor, give George’s recipe a try!

Bad: You find a porn movie in your son’s room.
Worse: You’re in it.

Bad: Your children are sexually active.
Worse: With each other.

Bad: Your husband’s a crossdresser.
Worse: He looks better than you.

Bad: Your son’s involved in Satanism.
Worse: As a sacrifice.

Bad: Your wife wants a divorce.
Worse: She’s a lawyer.

Bad: Your wife’s leaving you.
Worse: For another woman.

Bad: Your wife’s leaving you.
Worse: To enter a convent.

Bad: Your wife’s arrested for soliciting.
Worse: She implicates you.

Good: Hot outdoor sex.
Bad: You’re arrested.
Worse: By your husband.

Good: The postman’s early.
Bad: He’s wearing camos and has an AK-47.

Good: The secretary said “yes.”
Bad: Your wife says “no.”
Worse: Wife caught the two of you and screamed, “Oh HELL no!”

Good: The teacher likes your son.
Bad: Sexually.
Worse: He’s gay.

Good: You came home for a quickie.
Bad: So did the postman.

Good: You came home for a quickie.
Bad: Your wife walks in.

Good: You get a three-day weekend.
Bad: You get the flu on Friday.

Good: You get tickets to the theatre.
Bad: It’s performance art.

Good: You go to see a strip show.
Bad: Your daughter’s the headliner.

Good: Your boyfriend’s exercising.
Bad: So he’ll fit in your clothes.

Good: Your car conveniently “runs out of gas.”
Bad: For real.

Good: Your child’s “waiting for Mr. Right”.
Bad: Your son, that is.

Good: Your daughter’s on the Pill.
Bad: She’s thirteen.

Good: Your neighbor exercises in the nude.
Bad: He weighs 350 pounds.

Good: Your son’s doing extra credit work.
Bad: Making a sex ed video.

Good: Your uncle leaves you a fortune.
Bad: It’s counterfeit.

Good: Your wife bought a porn video.
Bad: Your daughter’s the star.

Good: Your wife likes outdoor sex.
Bad: You live downtown.

Good: Your wife meets you at the door nude.
Bad: She’s coming home.

Good: Your wife’s kinky.
Bad: With the neighbors.
Worse: All of them.