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For one evening each year children (and candy-starved adults) get to run around the neighborhood dressed up in strange clothing… while asking for sweet, tasty treats guaranteed to keep dentists in business for a long time to come.

To help children make the most of their Halloween experience, The Onion put together a list of tips and tricks that will make this the best Halloween EVER!

When it comes to selecting a costume, remain flexible. Some beloved public figure could suddenly die, and you wouldn’t want to miss your chance to make fun of that. Reopening any partially healed wounds is a fun and easy way to save money on expensive costumes.


When assembling a trick-or-treating group, remember to fill your ranks with the brains, the muscle, the looks, and the wildcard.


Leave Randy at home. He can barely walk in that panda costume and he’ll only slow you down.


Goblins and ghosts can be frightening for young children. Parents should prepare them by startling them in costume at all hours for several weeks leading up to Halloween.


Houses with the lights out mean no one’s home, so go in through the garage and help yourself to whatever’s in the fridge.


To maximize your route, start early on the East Coast and trick-or-treat westward with the sunset.


If you encounter a bowl of candy left unattended on a front porch, consult the latest census data and take the percentage of candy allotted to you based on population.


Criminals love to poison the Crunch bars, so you’d better just give those and anything with nougat to Mommy.

There you have it, folks: some real world advice on maximizing your Halloween haul! Now get out there score you some super sized sugar snacks!

‘Tis the season for Holiday parties, long nights of sipping spiked eggnog with friends, and ugly sweater wine parties… so before you think about getting behind the wheel after a social event involving alcohol this Holiday Season, please remember this short story before making up your mind:

With the Holidays upon us I would like to share a personal experience with my friends about drinking and driving.

As you may know some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time on the way home after a “social session” out with friends. Well, two days ago I was out for an evening with friends and had several cocktails followed by some rather nice red wine. Feeling jolly I still had the sense to know that I may be slightly over the limit.

That’s when I did something that I’ve never done before – I took a cab home.

Sure enough on the way home there was a police road block, but since it was a cab they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident.

This was a real surprise… as I had never driven a cab before, I don’t know where I got it and now that it’s in my garage I don’t know what to do with it.

In all seriousness, though…

No matter what time of year it is, please think about the risks associated with driving under the influence before getting behind the wheel. We speak from experience when we say the problems associated with even the slightest ‘issue’ that can arise from drinking and driving last far longer than you want… The serious ones, like loss of life — be it yours, a loved one’s, or a stranger’s — speak for themselves.

If ya’ cannot control your thirst, then you certainly have no business trying to control a car!

Even the mighty Blakk Frogg cannot make up a story like this.

Yang Hu was left in agony after severing his manhood from his body, and decided to CYCLE to the hospital to have it re-attached to his body.

But rather than prep him for immediate surgery, doctors told him to get on his bike again and go home because he FORGOT to bring it with him.

Yang, from Jiaxing, in Zhejiang province, east China, eventually rode home to pick up his penis but doctors hit him with yet more bad news – it had been without blood for too long and was therefore impossible to re-attach.

The 26-year-old was depressed at his single life since he moved to the city and began long hours at a clothing factory, according to pals.

His depression grew so bad that he cut off his penis in a sudden act of haste, believing it would stop him thinking about finding a lover.

Yang’s pals have now blasted the doctors at the hospital for not providing an ambulance for him to go home and collect his penis.

They said that his private parts could have been saved if he hadn’t had to cycle back, taking up valuable time. ( source )

Missing Manhood Photo

That article left Blakk Frogg with sooooooo many unanswered questions. In no particular order, here’s just a few of those questions:

  1. Does this man also believe that in order to stop thinking about food he could cut out his stomach?
  2. Do you think anyone noticed a man with a bloody crotch cycling down Main Street or do things like that happen on a regular basis in that part of the world?
  3. Why did this man not call an ambulance for the first leg of his journey OR insist on an ambulance for the return trip home to retrieve his severed manhood?
  4. Who took the picture of this man laying on a bed w/ a bloody crotch and sold it to the media? One of his pals? One of the same pals that ‘blasted’ the doctors for not offering more assistance?
  5. Speaking of pals, if Blakk Frogg EVER got the hankering to lop off his manhood… he certainly would not expect ANY of his pals to EVER say a WORD in his defense afterword. With that in mind, where were this guy’s ‘concerned pals’ BEFORE he got the urge to sever himself from his one-eyed love snake?
  6. Oh, and what did that first phone call to one of the pals sound like? “Hey, Bob, it’s me, Yang… and I’m at the hospital. Any chance you can come down here? Huh? What’s wrong? Welllll, I kinda’ cut off my wiener. Yeah, my wiener. Hello? Hello? Bob? Are you there? Are you laughing at me?”

Yep. Yang will unfortunately live to regret his actions. If he was depressed before, boy oh boy will things get worse once the painkillers wear off!

Rarely, if ever, will you find Blakk Frogg praising customer service… because quite honestly the art of actually taking care of a customer seems to have totally left this country — in spite of the fact that we, as a society, continue to become increasingly more service oriented (according to job titles, at least) than manufacturing oriented.

Today, however, Blakk Frogg will GLADLY AND WILLINGLY give praise to a company whose customer service greatly exceeded expectations and has, for all future purposes, made Blakk Frogg a customer for life.

Bought a subwoofer off of Audiogon.Com

Yep. Despite the rumors, Blakk Frogg ain’t got a whole lot of money so he shops intelligently… and with a budget. This time he found a Definitive Technologies Super Cube III for a decent price.

After several months of really great performance Blakk Frogg got the (dumb) idea to play some truly evil music containing subsonic frequencies at high volume for a prolonged period of time.

Yep. The sub died a painful death.

Greatness in action

After contacting the manufacturer, Definitive Technologies, Blakk Frogg quickly and easily purchased replacement amps for the sub at a really reasonable rate. The parts arrived within a week.

Unfortunately, however, replacing the amps did not solve the problem. Apparently the actual driver (aka: speaker) perished :(

Blakk Frogg then contacted Definitive Technologies a second time in an effort to purchase a replacement driver… and now for the greatness:

I will have a driver sent out at no charge. What I will also do is have two extra amps sent out to you as sometimes if it is the woofer that is bad then it may have immediately blown both of the amplifiers.

While Blakk Frogg cannot say that every experience a person will have with Definitive Technologies will go as well as his, this company has most definitely (pun intended) left a very positive impression in the gelatinous goo Blakk Frogg calls his brain.

Moral of the story?

Customer service matters. Definitive Technologies took care of a Frogg and seriously helped him out even though he bought their product second-hand.

They made… a future customer for life.

– Blakk Frogg

Rather than face a situation that immediately presses us, we dodge issues by robotically (not a word, we know…) disengaging and then, seemingly without a second’s pause, sending our feelings via text message not to the person with whom the issue began, but rather to a different person that will take our side.

At what point in the evolution of humanity did we lose the ability to just… ‘duke it out’?

With all this technology at our disposal, and the means to communicate our sincere thoughts across miles, time zones, and even across the greatest expanse of our planet, one would THINK that we, as a supposedly intelligent species, would have gotten better at personal interactions — before we decided to make our thoughts potentially worldwide via all these neat, convenient tools for expression (venting).

Oops. As I write this, I cannot help but feel that I, too, may have lost sight of reality, the purpose of living, and why I got up this morning.

Tap tap, type type, text — Send.

In a recent email to a friend, the ever-so-clever Blakk Frogg told the following interesting story:

Google has EVERYTHING imaginable these days somewhere in its folds… and they keep integrating new things into themselves… and pretty soon I predict that the US Gov’t will purchase (or take over in some other way) Google, they will integrate US Defenses into Google’s infrastructure, Google will become self-aware, Google will determine that mankind has no purpose, Google will initiate Judgment Day. Then Kyle Reese shows up in Los Angeles in 1986 and all Hell breaks loose.

Far from the truth? Blakk Frogg seriously doubts it.

Whether we realize it or not, countless millions of people trust Google with their dirty little secrets every day and if YOU had that much filth in YOUR mind you’d probably determine that all humans need to get wiped out, too!

Despite the valiant efforts of so many U.S. Citizens to convince other U.S. Citizens that the right to bear arms — any kind of arms — exists as part of the foundation upon which this great Nation of ours sits… once again we find ourselves embroiled in a conflict over the right of a law-abiding citizen to bear arms.

Since most of us run of the mill, average, law-abiding, hardworking U.S. Citizens have REAL work to do, unlike all these reactionary Congressional folks currently riding on the caskets of recent gun violence victims in an effort to make a name for themselves, we will now skip right to the list of things we feel anyone pondering a ban on firearms ought to consider before casting his or her ballot:

  • Criminals, by definition, do NOT abide by laws so ask yourself this: “Will adding more legislation to an already cluttered legal system REALLY make the bad guys and gals of this country turn over a new leaf… and turn in their weapons?”
  • Tyrants & Dictators throughout history have risen to power more often than not in countries where the population had limited access to the tools necessary to stave off repression, oppression, and suppression.
  • Military & Law Enforcement agencies and organizations will undoubtedly still continue developing, testing and carrying newer, bigger and ‘badder’ weapons regardless of whether or not law-abiding members of the general population have the right to bear arms.
  • MILLIONS of Dollars get spent every year by both sides of the gun rights argument… while MILLIONS of people, at one point or another last year, found themselves either struggling to feed their families or losing sleep at night because the job situation had them seriously fearing that one day soon they would not have the ability to feed their families.
  • The ‘War on Drugs’ made the sale and trafficking of illegal narcotics a much more lucrative business. The increased profitability of illegal drug trafficking made those involved much more interested in protecting their ‘piece of the pie’ — by any means necessary. Our Mexican neighbors near the U.S. / Mexico an attest to this fact on almost daily basis.

    We feel that making it harder for folks to legally obtain firearms will result in the explosive growth of black market trafficking of weapons into the country… and historically wherever you see large amounts of money already tainted with an illegal scent, violence & greed naturally follow.

  • Home Invasions scare the living daylights out us, as they should. Two or more aggressive, violent parties entering a residence out of nowhere will have a lot less to fear if private, law-abiding citizens have no effective means of protecting themselves.

    Who here remembers the scene in Clockwork Orange when those charming hooligans burst into the home of that couple out in the countryside and… well, if you have not watched that film, go and watch that one scene if you want a grotesque lesson in home invasion etiquette.

  • Serial Killers and Mass Murderers have existed throughout time according to historians. Most of them have opted for violent means other than firearms when committing their acts of atrocities — except, of course, for the serial killers and mass murderers that held political offices.

We have a lot more thoughts that we would like to share, but for now we will stop and allow those of you still with us to digest what we have already put forth.

In conclusion, we believe the Founding Fathers made it quite clear in their words that citizenship in the United States comes with the benefit of many freedoms and also with the responsibility to defend those freedoms from any force, internal or external to the Nation, looking to take those rights away.

Taking away the rights of law-abiding gun owners will do very little to stifle the problem of crazy folks doing crazy things. Possibly fixing the economy and addressing many of the issues which have driven some people to extreme acts of violence… might.

Think about it.

So… Which do YOU think best represents the attitude and disposition of the United States these days?

Americas Best MySpace Patriotic Comments

No matter what Blakk Frogg thinks about certain aspects of the Unites States these days, he know for SURE that he would not want to live in any other country. Throughout his life as a US Citizen he has readily identified hundreds of advantages he has in this country that he would have a hard time finding in any other country.

Here in the US he can go out his front door at any hour of the day or night without fear of rioting (95% of the time), walk or drive to a variety of grocery stores with shelves fully stocked shelves where he can purchase what he wants rather than what he can find, and then he can go home and surf an uncensored internet for things like… well, that last part’s none of your damn business! 😉

For those who wish to lambast the United States left and right, top to bottom, and THEN have the nerve not to renounce their US Citizenship, please forward me your address so this fellow can pay you a visit.

Simply Frogg and Americas Best

The time has come to stop whining about too much foam in our lattes, fellow Americans, and start acting like the lucky SOB’s that we are!

Recently Blakk Frogg learned a valuable piece of information: Scientists Now Believe That Space Aliens Look Like Pop Music Stars!

Wow! Who’d ever think that the current moronic residents on Earth would live to see the day when mankind would finally discover the true appearance of alien lifeforms.

“Not I,” said the Fly. “Not I.”

Blakk Frogg hypothesizes that this really and truly explains a lot about the weird behavior of most, er, ALL modern pop music icons. One glove, dresses made out of meat, naming kids after celestial bodies (that should have been the first clue!), and the list goes on.

Yep. All life originated from an alien life form that has the appearance of pop music stars on our planet.

Now please excuse Blakk Frogg while he loads up the 9mm hand cannon, eats one last piece, er, pack of bacon, and promptly blows his brains out all over the wall.

Happy Week Before Halloween!

Hopefully everyone has already decided what to wear next Wednesday but if not, don’t worry! Blakk Frogg has you covered! Just go and check out the Froggwear Halloween Costume Blog and you’ll find literally 1,000’s of great costume ideas for Halloween.

The evil Frogg made sure to include costumes for adults, kids, plus sizes, pets, and a host of other really cool Halloween and costume accessories… so check it out! The Froggwear Halloween Costume Blog updates year round with new items (unlike so many OTHER costume sites!).

Ever wonder what a battle between ambition and determination would look like? If so, then today’s your lucky day because Blakk Frogg snapped a picture of a battle like that in his own backyard last weekend!

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About This Site

First of all, you will like this site because it has lots of sarcasm, plenty of humor, and a healthy dose of everything your dear mommy warned you not touch when taking a shower at the local athletic club.

  • admin: How can people not like this photo? Seriously. These girls have WONDERFUL personalities that just leap out of their shirts, er, eyes. Yes. Blakk Fr
  • admin: In other news, the children ingested so much of the drug that it took their parents a solid two weeks to catch the little bastards and beat their behi
  • Intimate Touch Tuesday | MySpace Comments & Jokes: [...] you survived the horror called Monday and showed back up to face… Tuesday. Good for you! As a reward for your devotion and effort, [...]