Blakk Frogg Joke Blog

I’d like to extend a giant ‘thank you’ to the bonehead in the black Maxima on I26 this morning near Cayce, SC around 7:25 AM. From the exterior of your vehicle it seemed as though you really do take pride in the appearance and cleanliness of your car. Therefore it should not have surprised me one bit that you just HAD to toss an empty plastic cup out your window as you sped merrily down the highway. The presence of that no longer useful cup certainly would have ruined the pristine interior of your oh-so-special vehicle.

In hindsight, though… Silly me, thinking you might actually CARE right now that your careless action caused the startled driver of a minivan to swerve into my lane when the cup took a sharply angled bounce off the highway and struck their windshield unexpectedly.

Thankfully as soon I saw your punk ass litter like that I reduced my speed as soon as I saw your pudgy, fat fingers drop the plastic cup out the window so the minivan came over into my lane, yes, but I had already gotten back a safe distance from the scene of the crime.

Therefore no collision took place. No thanks to you, though, my idiotic litterbug friend.

Oh, how I wish I had gotten that Maxima’s license plate number. In the midst of all my cursing I neglected to speed up and tailgate the bastard so that I could jot down the plate number hidden under that dark, smoke-colored license plate cover. Someday I hope to have one of those so that I, too, can drop whatever I want out of my windows, nearly cause accidents, get away with it ‘cuz no one can read my license plate or see in my ultra cool tinted windows.

And finally, to you, dark colored Maxima driver, I say, “Go to Hell, ya’ rotten bastard! You coulda’ killed someone this morning. Prick!”

I didn’t stutter, did I?

A TRUE STORY FROM…..”THE HOUSTON NEWSPAPER”

IN HOUSTON,TEXAS MARCH ON 5th, 2009

Last Thursday Night Around Midnight, A Woman From Houston , Texas Was Arrested, Jailed, And Charged With Manslaughter for Shooting A Man 6 Times In The Back As He Was Running Away With Her Purse.

The Following Monday Morning, The Woman Was Called In FrontOf The Arraignment Judge, Sworn In, And Asked To Explain Her Actions.

The Woman Replied, “I Was Standing At The Corner Bus Stop For About 15 Minutes, Waiting For The Bus To Take Me Home After Work. I Am A Waitress At A Local Cafe…

I Was There Alone, So I Had My Right Hand On My Pistol, That Was In My Purse, That Was Hung Over My Left Shoulder.

All Of A Sudden I Was Being Spun Around Hard To My Left. As I Caught My Balance, I Saw A Man Running Away From Me With My Purse.

I Looked Down At My Right Hand And I Saw That My Fingers Were Wrapped Tightly Around My Pistol. The Next Thing I Remember Is Saying Out Loud, ” No Way Punk! You’re Not Stealing My Pay Check And Tips.”

I Raised My Right Hand, Pointed My Pistol At The Man Running Away From Me With My Purse, And Squeezed The Trigger Of My Pistol 6 Times!

When Asked By The Arraignment Judge, “Why Did You Shoot The Man 6 Times?

The Woman Replied Under Oath, “Because, When I Pulled The Trigger Of My Pistol The 7th Time, It Only Went Click.”

The Woman Was Acquitted Of All Charges, And She Was Back At Work At The Cafe, The Next Day!

Now that’s Gun Control….

Blakk Frogg has a question: If you go through the drive-thru of a McDonald’s that blatantly advertises on its signs and in its windows ‘Buy One Get One Free Egg McMuffins’, do you order two of them to receive the ‘special promotion’ or ought they automatically double your order if you order only one?

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Seriously… The sign said ‘Buy One Get One Free’, not ‘Buy One and Get the Second One for Free if You Check Your Order, See You Only Received One Sandwich, Back Up in the Drive Thru Line, and Ask Us for the Second Sandwich’.

In a recent maneuver to take criminals by surprise and thus make them a lot easier to capture once located, several police departments have decided to alter the uniforms of female officers. “By making female officers more visually appealing we hope to dazzle fugitives and make them almost WANT to get caught,” remarked a high ranking officer in one department who asked that we not tell his wife about the new uniforms.

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An Old Italian man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his tomato garden, but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,

I am feeling pretty badly because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me.

Love,

Dad

A few days later he received a letter from his son:

Dear Dad,

Don’t dig up that garden. That’s where I buried the bodies.

Love,

Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son:

Dear Dad,

Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That’s the best I could do under the circumstances.

Love you,

Vinnie

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A burglar breaks into a house. He sees a CD player that he wants so he takes it. Then he hears a voice “JESUS is watching you”.

He looks around with his flashlight wandering “What The HELL Was That?”.

He spots some $ on a table and takes it…… Once again he hears a voice ” JESUS is watching you”.

He hides in a corner trying to find where the voice came from. He spots a birdcage with a parrot in it! He goes over and asks ” Was that your voice?”.

It says, “YES”.

He then asks, “What’s your name?”

It says, “MOSES.”

Half laughing, the burglar then asks, “What kind of person names his bird moses??”

The parrot replies, “THE SAME PERSON THAT NAMES HIS PITBULL ‘JESUS’.”

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.

“Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!?!?” he yelled with surprising forcefulness.

No one answered.

“Alright, I’m gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain’t back outside by the time I finish, I’m gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don’t like to have to do what I dun in Texas!”

Some of the locals shifted restlessly.

The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post.

He saddled up and started to ride out of town.

The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, “Say partner, before you go… what happened in Texas?”

The cowboy turned back and said, “I had to walk home.”

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman. Many females use a date rape drug on the market called -(Beer)- The drug is found in liquid form and available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, from taps and in large kegs.

Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and have sex with them. A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex. Men are rendered helpless against this approach.

After several Beers, men will often succumb to the desires to perform sexual acts on horrific looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted. After drinking Beer, men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague idea something bad occurred.

At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life’s savings, in a familiar scam known as a relationship. In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as marriage. Men are much more susceptible to this scam after Beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.

Please! Forward this warning to every male you know. If you fall victim to this ‘Beer‘ and the women administering it… there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly affected like-minded guys. For the support group nearest to you, just look up ‘Golf Courses‘, ‘Bar & Grill‘ or ‘Tavern‘ in your local phone book.

From the State where drunk driving is considered a sport, comes an alleged true story from Central Montana.

Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a local Neighborhood tavern. Late in the evening the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles, the man managed to find his car which he fell into.

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He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night) flicked the blinkers on, then off, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left.

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At last he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down the road. The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyzer test. To his amazement the breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed alcohol at all!

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Dumbfounded, the officer said, “I’ll have to ask you to accompany me to the Police station. Apparently this breathalyzer equipment must be broken.”

“I doubt it,” said the man, “Tonight I’m the designated decoy.”

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A man goes to a party and has too much to drink. His friends plead with him to let them take him home. He says NO — he only lives a mile away.

About five blocks from party, the police pull him over. They check his license and ask him to get out of the car and walk the line. Just as he starts, the police radio blares out a notice of a robbery taking place in a house around the block. The police tell the party animal to stay put, they’ll be right back and they run around the corner to the robbery.

The guy waits and waits and finally decides to drive home. When he gets there, he tells his wife he is going to bed, and to tell anyone who might come looking for him that he has the flu and has been in bed all day.

A few hours later the police knock on the door. They ask if Mr Smith is there and his ! wife says yes. They ask to see him and she replies that he is in bed with the flu and has been so all day.

The police still have his driver’s license. They ask to see his car and she asks why. They insist on seeing his car, so she takes them to the garage. She opens the door. There sitting in the garage is the police car, with all its lights still flashing.

True story, told by the driver at his first AA meeting.