Blakk Frogg Joke Blog

Although the whole ‘talking babies’ thing got played out YEARS AGO, every once in a while a funny picture surfaces… like this one:

Sarcastic MySpace Comments

Last night I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Coors Light for $14.95.

Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.

Later I tried to explain to her how the beer would make her look ten times better at night than the cold cream.

The swelling in my right eye finally went down enough for me to see around three this afternoon.

I was in Costco the other day, pushing a cart around, when I collided with a young guy also pushing his cart.

I said to the young guy, “Sorry about that. I’m looking for my wife and I guess I wasn’t paying attention to where I was going..”

The young guy says, “That’s OK. It’s just a coincidence. I’m looking for my wife, too. I can’t find her and I’m getting a little desperate.”

So, I said, “Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?”

The young guy says, “Well, she is 24 years old, tall, with blond hair, green eyes, long legs, big boobs and she’s wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?”

I said, “That doesn’t matter. Let’s look for yours.”

Americas Best MySpace Break Ups Comments

A man wakes up in the hospital with bandages covering pretty much all of his body.

The doctor comes in and says, “Ah, I see you’ve regained consciousness. Now you probably won’t remember, but the paramedics pulled you out of a huge pile-up on the Interstate a few weeks ago. Don’t fret, though because you will walk again. More or less you will be fine, with one exception: In the chaos of the collision your ‘manhood’ got severed in the accident and we couldn’t find it.”

As the man lays there groaning over his lost manhood, the doctor goes says, “You’ve got $9,000 in insurance compensation coming and we can rebuild you a new penis… but the operation will cost lot since it’s a relatively new technology. It’ll cost roughly $1,000 an inch.”

Hearing the glimmer of hope, the man perks up.

Americas Best Humorous Images — Get Some!

“So,” the doctor says, “Now you must decide how many inches you want. I understand that you have been married for over thirty years, so I do believe you ought to talk this over with your wife before making a decision.”

“The doctor goes on to say, “If you had a five-incher before and get a nine-incher now, she might be a bit put out.”

Before the man has a chance to respond, the doctor continues by saying, “On the other hand, if you had a nine-incher before and decide to only invest in a five-incher now, she might be a bit disappointed. It’s important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision.”

The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.

The doctor comes back the next day, “So, have you spoken with your wife?”

“Yes I have,” says the man.

“And… has she helped you make a decision?”

“Yes” says the man.

“OK, that’s great. What’s your decision?” asks the doctor.

“We’re getting granite counter tops.”

Americas Best MySpace Sarcastic Comments

Modern Drunkard Magazine published a list which ALL real-time, real-life drinkers need to abide by:

The 86 Rules to Drink By! (part one of nine)

1. If you owe someone money, always pay them back in a bar. Preferably during happy hour.

2. Always toast before doing a shot.

3. Whoever buys the shot gets the first chance to offer a toast.

4. Change your toast at least once a month.

5. Buying someone a drink is five times better than a handshake.

6. Buying a strange woman a drink is still cool. Buying all her drinks is dumb.

7. Never borrow more than one cigarette from the same person in one night.

8. When the bartender is slammed, resist the powerful urge to order a slightly-dirty, very-dry, in-and-out, super-chilled half-and-half martini with a lemon twist. Limit orders to beer, straight shots and two-part cocktails.

9. Get the bartender’s attention with eye contact and a smile.

10. Do not make eye contact with the bartender if you do not want a drink.

place your cursor over text box and press Ctrl-C to copy the HTML code
<a href=http://www.americasbestmyspacecomments.com/graphics/drinking style='text-decoration: none;'><img src=http://www.americasbestmyspacecomments.com/graphics/drinking/13/pics_alcohol-life-decisions.jpg alt="Americas Best MySpace Drinking Comments" border=0><br /><font size="2"><strong>Americas Best MySpace Drinking Comments</a></strong></font>

page 1 | page 2 | page 3 | page 4 | page 5

page 6 | page 7 | page 8 | page 9

Yep. The answers you give to these questions will help you figure out whether or not you should consider yourself a gay man:

1. If you are over forty, and you have a washboard stomach, you are gay. It means you haven’t sucked back enough beer with the boys and have spent the rest of your free time doing sit-ups, aerobics, and doing the Oprah diet.

2. If you have a cat, you are a Flaaaaming homo. A cat is like a dog, but gay– it grooms itself constantly but never scratches itself, has a delicate touch except when it uses its nails, and whines to be fed. And just think about how you call a dog… ‘Killer, come here! I said get your ass over here, Killer!’ Now think about how you call a cat… ‘Bun-bun, come to daddy, snookums!’ Jeeezus, man. You’re fit to be framed, you’re so gay.

3. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, baby pacifiers, or any such nonsense, rest assured, you are a Gaylord. A straight man only sucks on BBQ ribs, crab claws, raw oysters, crawfish guts, pickled pigs feet, or women’s funbags. Anything else and you are in ‘training’ and undeniably a fag.

4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or piss in a parking lot, you crave a deep homosexual relationship. A man’s world is his bathroom; he defecates and urinates where he pleases.

5. If you drink anything other than regular coffee. A straight man will never be heard ordering a ‘Decaf Soy Latte’. If you’ve put a Decaf Soy Latte to your lips, you’ve had a man there, too.

6. If you know more than six names of non-standard colors or four different types of dessert other than ice cream and pie, you might as well be handing out free ass passes. A real man doesn’t have memory space in his brain to remember all of that crap. If you can pick out chartreuse or you know what a ‘fressier’ is you’re gay. And if you can name ANY type of textile other than cotton or denim, you are faggadocious.

7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it, you’re dying to tune a meat whistle. A man only puts both hands on the wheel to honk at a slow-ass driver or to cut the jerk off. The rest of the time he needs that hand to change the radio station, eat a hamburger, or hold his beer.

8. If you do not send this off to all the males on your email list because you are afraid of hurting their feelings, then you are definitely on the verge on being a fudge packer.

Americas Best MySpace Random Comments

———————–

Disclaimer: The mighty Blakk Frogg Crew does NOT discriminate against homosexuals, mexicans, chinese, greek, dead, nearly dead, mostly dead people, or people that look exactly like… YOU. He simply loathes and detests just people who wear too much aftershave, have crappy taste in cologne, bathe in smelly overpriced lotions, wear too much damn deodorant, and/or cover themselves in calamine lotion for pleasure.

Therefore please don’t even THINK about blasting Blakk Frogg with all your hate-filled, ignorant, anti-amphibian emails.

It was funny and you laughed… so shut your filthy sewer of a mouth!

Dear Ronald McDonald,

For years we, the ever-expanding people, have ignored the obvious lie that your company cares for its customers as we happily wolfed down the innumerable grams of fat and billions of calories jam packed into just about everything on your menu. I don’t wish to discuss that today.

Instead, I’d like to ask WHY you hire people that cannot speak English and certainly do not seem as though they can read English, either.

Now before anyone gets mad, this letter has nothing to do with illegal aliens, ‘foreigners’, etc. This letter takes aim at US Citizens born and raised here in the United States that have spoken no other language than English in their whole miserable, stinkin’ lives.

It would make SENSE that a lifelong English speaking person could listen to an order given to them in clear English by a customer and/or read words written in English on a teleprompter screen, turn to co-workers and enunciate the syllables clearly so that nothing gets lost in translation — from English to English.

But NO, that does not happen. We, as a public, have gotten SO lazy in our use of language that we drop syllables out of words for the sake of our own convenience even if the syllables had a purpose. Never mind the fact that the party who CREATED the word put the syllables in there for a reason… so that people would understand what the f#$k the word really meant!

Americas Best MySpace Foods Comments

What sparked this tirade? Quite simply, the McDonald’s near my work has systematically screwed up the SAME simple order more times in the past year than I can keep track of and since different employees did it each time I have determined that the root cause of this problem comes from a societal problem rather than the idiocy of one loser with a piss poor education.

Do you see anything confusing in the following statement?

“Hi, I’d like a Sausage McMuffin with Egg, please.”

Somehow it continually gets turned into “I need a Sausage Muffin Egg” or “I need a Sausage (muffled sound)-Muffin” by someone in the restaurant and you know what happens? They give me a sausage patty w/ cheese on a muffin — despite the CLEAR wording on the receipt AND the teleprompter.

You will NEVER get out of that dead-end career path of yours, you ADULTS who keep f#$kin’ up my order. Do you SEE a ‘sausage egg muffin’ on the f#$kin’ menu? Huh? Do you? And then HOW do you forget to add the egg to the non-existent ‘sausage egg muffin’ you took the time to create in that puny little mind of yours?

Musta’ used up all your brainpower twisting a perfectly good food order given to you in English into an ebonically-enhanced, confusing collection of grammatical crap.

So, McDonald’s, although not very realistic or logical idea, perhaps you OUGHT to hire illegal aliens who have taken the time to learn English as a second language and strive each day to speak it better and with greater accuracy… instead of hiring Americans who take the English language for granted and pervert it to a point where no one can understand it…

… and as a result they f#$k up a simple breakfast order over and over again.

Americas Best MySpace Foods Comments

So, Ronald, it will suffice to say that I may have to abandon you as my source of quick breakfast foods. and besides… I heard some guy named The King stole your idea and sells it for a lot less roughly 50 yards down the road.

Sincerely,

– Blakk Frogg

Women are like phones.

They like to be held;

They like to be talked to;

And they like to be touched often.

But push the wrong button,

And your ass gets disconnected.

Americas Best MySpace Attitude Comments

Your loyal friend Blakk Frogg did NOT make this up:

Nintendo’s Wii controllers have wreaked havoc on flat screen TVs and tweaked more than a few elbows. That’s nothing compared to one UK woman’s claim that a tumble from the Wii Fit balance board turned her into a sex addict.

News service ANI reports that Amanda Flowers, 24, a catering worker in Manchester, England, damaged a nerve when she fell from the Fit board. When the slightest vibrations — cell phones, appliances — began to turn her on, she sought medical care. A doctor diagnosed her with persistent sexual arousal syndrome, a rare and mysterious disorder the doctor linked to Flowers’ damaged nerve.

ANI reports that Flowers now “needs 10 sex sessions a day” to satisfy her sexual arousal. “With no cure I just have to try to control my passion by breathing deeply,” she told the news service. “Hopefully one day I’ll find a superstud who can satisfy me.” ( source )

Certainly you tuned into this blog posting for one of several reasons:

1. You own a Wii Fit Console and wanted to find out how you, too, could become a sex addict.

2. If true, the story of a Wii Fit Console turning a woman into a sex addict will serve as the final reason you need to convince yourself to go out and buy one.

3. You already have an addiction to sex and want something ‘plausible’ and/or ‘scientific’ to blame it on.

4. You fear that your current (unattractive) sex partner may suffer a similar fate and you want to know if you need to sabotage his/her Wii Fit Console so you don’t wind up having to ‘do the nasty’ 10 times a day to satisfy their needs.

So… What other reasons can YOU think of that caused people to flock to this blog posting, huh?

Americas Best MySpace Sex Comments

Americas Best MySpace Sex Comments

There is no “I” in team. But there are three U’s in “Shut the Fu#k Up!”

Never forget that.

Americas Best MySpace Attitude Comments

While Blakk Frogg certainly didn’t come up w/ that one on his own, he did laugh his amphibious nuts off when he read it and felt obligated to share! Now shut the f#ck up and get him a cold beer!

Americas Best MySpace Drinking Comments