Blakk Frogg Joke Blog

A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does, his elbow accidentally goes into her breast. They are both quite startled.

The man turns to her and says, “Ma’am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you’ll forgive me.”

She replies, “If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I’m in room 221.”

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A woman walks up to an elderly looking man sitting in a chair on his porch. “I couldn’t help but notice how happy you look,” she said. “What’s your secret for a long, happy life?”

“I smoke three packs a day, drink a case of beer, eat fatty foods, and never, ever exercise,” he replied.

“Wow, that’s amazing,” she said, “How old are you?”

“Twenty-six.”

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Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.

His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.

One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. What’s wrong, Bill?” she asked.

“Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?”

Oh, Bill, you didn’t” she exclaimed.

“Yes, I did.” he replied.

“My God, Bill, what happened?”

“I got fired.”

“No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?”

“Oh… She got fired too.”

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Thanks to ALL your help, Blakk Frogg’s friends advanced to Round 2 of the 96.1 Big Beat Bridal Competition!  They are now one of 25 couples battling it out for the wedding they really, really want. . . but cannot afford!

Blakk Frogg asks each and every one of you reading this to seal the deal for his friends so they can have the wedding they truly deserve by going back to vote in this final, crucial round. . . or to vote for them for the first time if you didn’t get around to voting before. (Instructions: click here, and VOTE for Couple #18. Any questions?)

“WHY does Blakk Frogg believe this couple deserves a kick ass wedding,” you ask. . .

• The times when Blakk Frogg ran out of funds for beer, sushi and just generally enough money to ‘hang out’ like a human being, Gary and Angie swang through, brought beer, took him out for sushi, and did their best to make him feel better about life — at least for the moment.
• The times when Blakk Frogg found himself lost and adrift in a sea of self-pity and self-hatred Gary & Angie helped him to sit back, think about things in a new, more rational direction, and stop blaming himself for everything.
• Endless nights of passion in the back of. . . Oops.  Wrong couple.
• Moving on. . . . Gary and Angie have stood by my side, or at least close enough by Blakk Frogg through a lot of really tough, miserable broke times and although Blakk Frogg has returned the favor time and time again, he really wants to see his friends enjoy an awesome wedding.

So it should come as no surprise, at this point, that Blakk Frogg asks you to click here, and VOTE for Couple #18.

Just a few minutes out of your day will make two of Blakk Frogg’s friends very, very happy.

“I need more (better) reasons, damn it!”

OK, well how about these:

• If they win the wedding contest, they promise to move to The Beach and never call Blakk Frogg again.
• If they win, Blakk Frogg will have the ability to get really shitfaced at the wedding w/o feeling guilty because they paid for it.
• Their winning will prove to Blakk Frogg that he has the best damn reader-base on the planet!

If you need more reasons than all that Blakk Frogg has listed, well, you probably skipped a dose of your meds this morning and should double up next time around.

Earth Shattering Conclusion:

Click here, and VOTE for Couple #18 !  Or we beat the hamsters a second time!

Besides. . . a Psycho and an Angel DESERVE each other! 😉

One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife’s arm.

The wife turns over and says “I’m sorry honey, I’ve got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.”

The husband, rejected, turns over.

A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.

“Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow, too?”

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1. Pass My Shotgun

2. Psychotic Mood Shift

3. Perpetual Munching Spree

4. Puffy Mid-Section

5. People Make me Sick

6. Provide Me with Sweets

7. Pardon My Sobbing

8. Pimples May Surface

9. Pass My Sweat pants

10. Pissy Mood Syndrome

11. Plainly; Men Suck

12. Pack My Stuff

13. Potential Murder Suspect

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A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him.

The nun, surprised by the question, politely declines and gets off at the next stop.

When the bus starts again, the bus driver says to the hippie, “If you want, I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you.”

The hippie, of course, says that he’d love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord.

“If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder,” says the bus driver, “You could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you.”

The hippie decides to try this out. That Tuesday, he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun. Right on schedule, the nun shows up. While she’s in the middle of praying, the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of god. “I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first,” he says.

The nun agrees, but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity. The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about having sex with the nun.

After the hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, “Ha ha, I’m the hippie!”

The nun replies by whipping off her mask and shouting, “Ha ha, I’m the bus driver!”

Sarcastic MySpace Comments

A white guy is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub. Two blonde genies appear, and they tell him he has been granted three wishes.

The guy makes his three wishes and the blonde genies disappear.

The next thing the guy knows, he’s in a bedroom, in a mansion surrounded by 50 beautiful women. He makes love to all of them and begins to explore the house.

Suddenly he feels something soft under his feet, he looks down and the floor is amass with $100 bills.

Then, there’s a knock at the door. He answers it and standing are two persons dressed in Ku Klux Klan outfits.

They drag him outside to the nearest tree, throw a rope over a limb and hang him by the neck until he’s dead.

As the Klansmen are walking away, they remove their hoods; it’s the two blonde genies.

One blonde genie says to the other one, “I can understand the first wish – having all these beautiful women in a big mansion to make love to. I can also understand him wanting to be a millionaire… But why he wanted to be hung like a black man is beyond me!”

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Hung Chow calls into work and says, “Hey, I no come work today, I sick, headache, stomach ache, legs hurt, I no come work.”

The boss says, “You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that.”

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. “I do what you say, I feel great. I be work soon…..you got nice house!”

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OK, so this dude walks into a bar. . . No, not really, but moving on. . . Blakk Frogg received a plea for help from his really good friends (drinking, BBQ, Bike Night and partying buddies).

Gary & Angie set a wedding date of July 5, 2008 for their wedding and it just so happens that a local radio station from Charlotte, NC (96.1, The Beat) started a contest recently where the engaged couple who get the most votes. . . wins a totally kick ass wedding costing, well, a HELL of a lot more than Gary & Angie can possibly afford.

The Mission:  Help Gary & Angie Win a Really Great Wedding!

Do your part to help Blakk Frogg, who just HAPPENS to be the Best Man, er, Best Amphibian at the upcoming wedding give his really good friends (drinking, BBQ, Bike Night and partying buddies) the best wedding possible.

How You Can Help:  Follow These SIMPLE Instructions!

1.    Go to http://www.961thebeat.com and click on “The Beat’s Big Bridal Giveaway”

2.    Click on “Vote Now”

3.    Choose/Select “Couple Number 42” … That’s Forty-Two, for all you slow folks out there…

4.    At bottom of screen click on “Create Username” and add your info

5.    Click “Submit” or “Next” or whatever the heck the thing says

6.    Wait a minute or two and then check your email

7.    Open the email from the radio station and click the “Confirmation Link”

8.    That’s it.  You’re done.  Reward yourself with an ice cold beer and a trip to the Oriental Massage Parlor down the block

So please help Blakk Frogg help his buddies, will ya’?  Help these two fine, up-standing members of society (HA!) get hitched in a ceremony so awesome that even the Minister will stand at the altar and say, “Holy shit!  This wedding kicks ass! ….  Oops.  My bad.”

Thank you so much for your time and don’t forget to jiggle the handle twice after you flush.

Please feel free to forward this on to as many others as you can.  Don’t MAKE a Frogg ask twice now, ya’ hear?

Sincerely, most of the time,

Blakk Frogg
Friend and Promoter of the Future Mr. & Mrs. Dantzler