24 Aug, 2011
Posted by: admin In: Funny Jokes|Humor|Jokes|Political Humor|Sarcastic
Hard pressed to identify the cause of yesterday’s East Coast earthquake, President Obama’s top scientists have just revealed the name of the exact tectonic ridge responsible for all the ruckus: “Bush’s Fault”.
23 Aug, 2011
Posted by: admin In: Funny Jokes|Humor|Jokes|Sarcastic
A renowned philosopher was held in high regard by his driver, who listened in awe at every speech while his boss would easily answer questions about morality and ethics.
Then one day the driver approached the philosopher and asked if he was willing to switch roles for the evening’s lecture. The philosopher agreed and, for a while, the driver handled himself remarkably well. When it came time for questions from the guests, a woman in the back asked, “Is the epistemological view of the universe still valid in an existentialist world?”
“That is an extremely simple question,” he responded. “So simple, in fact, that even my driver could answer that, which is exactly what he will do.”
22 Jul, 2011
Vodka and ice will ruin your kidneys, Rum and ice will ruin your liver, Whiskey and ice will ruin your heart, Gin and ice will ruin your brain, and last but not least, coke and ice will ruin your teeth.
That bloody ice is lethal. Warn all your friends: Lay off the ICE!
Time of the month, eh? I’d say the moon must have entered a new phase because TWICE now in just over a week I’ve had to LOCK MY BRAKES because a female driver failed to recognize and/or acknowledge a 3,000 pound vehicle driving down the road she wanted to enter.
Last week a puff of white hair and knuckles pulled out of a driveway at 3 mph in her boat of a car, drove 30 feet down the road, and turned into another driveway. My speed had to go from 64’ish to under 20 in a very, very, short period of time. Needed the ‘ole lock and turn maneuver to avoid her – and she never even noticed it happened.
This morning I almost had the pleasure of exchanging phone numbers with a young (probably) trailer park chick in what looked like a blue cavalier with a bad aftermarket paint job. Apparently her driving instructor failed to mention that if stopped at a FLASHING RED LIGHT and the vehicle across from her has not, yet, moved… that she ought to take a good look to her left and right because the other driver might see ANOTHER VEHICLE WITH THE RIGHT OF WAY bearing down on that intersection. I got a twinge in my spine that told me to slow down a bit as I got closer to the intersection and I sit here now to TESTIFY that knocking those few mph off of my speed kept my fully brake locked vehicle from T-boning the dog snot out of that bad driving [insert ‘b’ word here] who never even acknowledged that she had come less than a few feet from getting my phone number and a most definitely a fast-paced trip to the hospital in a bone box.
Now before any of you females out there get all upset and emotional because you believe I have unfairly taken aim at woman drivers, don’t think for a minute that I care right now because I came THIS CLOSE to getting in completely unnecessary car wrecks because of two female drivers in under two weeks.
Tonight I’ll probably get run off the road by some drunk, unemployed GUY in a tricked out golf cart so in the end the gender issue will sort itself out and balance will get restored in my world view.
As part of ongoing efforts to unite the world and address specific topics of concern facing the planet, last month a worldwide survey took place at the United Nations.
The survey contained only one question: “Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food
shortage in the rest of the world?”
After tallying the responses it became quite apparent that the survey had accomplished absolutely nothing because…
And
Yeah, we know… Old news. We don’t care ‘cuz we think this joke will make ya’ laugh anyways!
This is the truth if it was ever spoken, enjoy.
In honor of Nadya Suleman the mother of the octuplets, Denny’s is offering a new breakfast meal:
You get fourteen eggs, NO SAUSAGE, and the guy next to you has to pay the bill.
As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man.
He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the Corryong back country.
As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn’t stop for directions.
I finally arrived over an hour late and saw that the funeral bloke had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight.
There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.
I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.
I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place and earth covered most of it.
I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play. The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around.
I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I’ve never played before for this poor, homeless man.
And as I played Amazing Grace, the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together.
When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I ain’t never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”
Apparently, I was still lost…
Ever wonder how pregnant women and or new mothers named Rosemary felt after the movie Rosemary’s Baby came out in the late 60’s? I mean, seriously… Just imagine sitting in the park on a bench and seeing your friend (or neighbor) Rosemary pushing her newborn in a stroller. Would you say, “Oh look! There’s Rosemary’s baby” and not feel at least a LITTLE bit weird?
Just wondering…
After a long day at the office I sat down on the couch next to my wife who turned and asked me, “What’s on the TV tonight?”
Without thinking I answered, “Dust.”
Word of advice: Despite its light and fluffy appearance, a feather duster HURTS when it hits you at speeds topping 100 mph.
13 Jun, 2011
Posted by: admin In: Funny Jokes|Humor|Jokes|Sarcastic
I took my wife to a fancy French restaurant in the rich part of town the otehr night and for some strange reason the waiter took my order first.
Not wanting to make a scene, I said, “I’ll have the strip steak cooked medium rare, please.”
In a snooty French accent he then asked, “Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?”
“Nah, she can order for herself.”
Never got to eat my steak, but the doctors say I’ll be back on solid foods in a few weeks.
