Blakk Frogg Joke Blog

A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate point in the process, she told him that he would now need to enter a password. Something he could remember easily and will use each time he has to log on.

The husband was in the mood for a sexual action and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife’s attention.

So when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in….

P…

E…

N…

I…

S…

His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:

***PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH***

The teacher of a first grade class gives instructions to the little boys on how to go to the bathroom.

The teacher tells them the following:

One – unzip your zipper

Two – pull your ‘thing’ out

Three – stroke the skin back

Four – take a pee

Five – stroke the skin forward

Six – put it away and zip up the zipper

So the boys go to do their thing and return a few minutes later. The teacher asks, “Where is Little Johnny?”

One of the boys replies, “He is still in the bathroom.”

The teacher goes down the hall to the boy’s restroom and hears Little Johnny “Three, Five, Three, Five, Three, Five…………”

‘Be Very Quiet,’ said the father to his son.

Father and son went hunting together for the first time.

The father said: ‘Stay here and be very QUIET. I’ll be across the field.’

A few minutes later the father heard a blood curdling scream and ran back to his son.

‘What’s wrong?’ the father asked. ‘I told you to be quiet.’

The boy, bless his heart, answered;

‘Look, I was quiet when the snake slithered across my feet.

I was quiet when the bear breathed down my neck.

I didn’t move a muscle when the skunk climbed over my shoulder.

I closed my eyes and held my breath when the wasp stung me.

I didn’t cough when I swallowed the gnat.

I didn’t cuss or scratch when the poison oak started itching.

But when the two squirrels crawled up my pant legs and said, ‘Should we eat them here or take them with us?’

‘Well, I guess I just panicked ‘

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The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent but had not phoned in sick one day.

Needing to have an urgent problem with one of the main computers resolved, he dialled the employee’s home phone number and was greeted with a child’s whisper. ‘Hello? ‘

‘Is your daddy home?’ he asked.

‘Yes,’ whispered the small voice.

‘May I talk with him?’

The child whispered, ‘No.’

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, ‘Is your Mummy there?’

‘Yes’

‘May I talk with her?’ Again the small voice whispered, ‘No’

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, ‘Is anybody else there?’

‘Yes’ whispered the child, ‘ a policeman. ‘

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee’s home, the boss asked, ‘May I speak with the policeman?’

‘No, he’s busy, ‘ whispered the child.

‘Busy doing what?’

‘Talking to Daddy and Mummy and the Fireman’ came the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, ‘What is that noise?’

‘A helicopter ‘answered the whispering voice.

‘What is going on there?’ demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.

Again, whispering, the child answered, ‘The search team just landed a helicopter’

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, ‘What are they searching for?’

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle…

‘ME.

A guy walks into a local bar in Arkansas and orders a white wine.

All the hillbillies sitting around the bar look up, expecting to see some pitiful Yankee from the north.

The bartender says, “You ain’t from around here, are ya?”

The guy says, “No, I’m from Canada.”

The bartender says, “What do you do in Canada?”

The guy says, “I’m a taxidermist.

“The bartender says, “A taxidermist? What in tarnation is a taxidermist? Do you drive a taxi?”

“No, a taxidermist doesn’t drive a taxi. I mount animals.

“The bartender grins and hollers, “It’s okay boys. He’s one of us…”

Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak. But, all of Bubba’s neighbors were Catholic…. And since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday.

The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest.

The Priest came to visit Bubba, and suggested that he become a Catholic. After several classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass…..and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, “You were born a Baptist, and raised a Baptist, but now you are a Catholic.”

Bubba’s neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood.

The Priest was called immediately by the neighbors, and, as he rushed into Bubba’s yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement.

There stood Bubba, clutching a small bottle of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted: “You wuz born a deer, you wuz raised a deer, but now you a catfish.”

What gets longer when pulled….

Fits between your boobs….

Inserts neatly in a hole….

and works best when jerked….

Scoll on down now, ya’ hear?

A seatbelt! And just what were YOU thinking, ya’ freakin’ pervert?!?

A woman arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates.

She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. They saw her and began calling greetings to her “Hello. How are you! We’ve been waiting for you! Good to see you.”

When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, “This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?”

“You have to spell a word,” Saint Peter told her.

“Which word?” the woman asked.

“Love.”

The woman correctly spelled “Love” and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.

About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day.

While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived.

“I’m surprised to see you,” the woman said. “How have you been?”

“Oh, I’ve been doing pretty well since you died,” her husband told her. “I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the multi-state lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a huge mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation in Cancun and I went water skiing today. I fell and hit my head, and here I am. What a bummer! How do I get in?”

“You have to spell a word,” the woman told him.

“Which word?” her husband asked.

“Czechoslovakia.”

Moral of the story:

Never make a woman angry. There will be Hell to pay later!

1. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book. It’s called “Ministers Do More Than Lay People.”

2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.

3. The difference between the Pope and your boss… the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.

4. My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.

5. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you’re in the bathroom.

6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood.

7. It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there’s shipping and handling, too.

8. A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.

9. My next house will have no kitchen – just vending machines and a large trash can.

10. A blonde said, “I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off. I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid.”

11. I’m so depressed. My doctor refused to write me a prescription for Viagra. He said it would be like putting a new flagpole on a condemned building.

12. My neighbor was bit by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was and found him writing frantically on a piece of paper. I told him rabies could be treated, and he didn’t have to worry about a Will. He said, “Will? What Will? I’m making a list of the people I want to bite.”

13. Definition of a teenager? God’s punishment for enjoying sex.

14. As you slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way.

One afternoon, a woman and her little daughter went into a large toy store. The mother asked her daughter what toys she wanted.

The little girl said, “I want GI Joe and Barbie.”

The mother smiled and said, “Darling, you know Barbie doesn’t come with GI Joe.”

The little girl looked up at her mom sternly and replied, “Mom, Barbie ALWAYS comes with GI Joe. She just FAKES it with Ken.”

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