Blakk Frogg Joke Blog

Two whales, a male and a female, were swimming side by side in the ocean.

Suddenly, the male whale spots a ship in the distance. He recognizes it as THE whaling ship that killed his father.

Filled with anger, he says to his female companion, ‘That’s the ship that Killed my father! Let’s swim closer!’

When they were close enough, the male said, ‘Why don’t we swim under the ship and blow air through our blow holes and break the ship into a million pieces? That will be sweet revenge.’

And the female agreed to this.

So they each took a deep breath of air, swam under the ship, and blew enormous amounts of air under the ship. The ship flew into the air and crashed back to the sea and broke into a million pieces.

The pair of whales started to swim off when they realized that the sailors were not dead, but clinging to pieces of wood and floating in the ocean.

The male whale was furious and said to the female whale, ‘They’re still alive, but I’ve got another idea. Let’s swim around and gulp up all the sailors!’

That’s when the female stopped swimming, looked at the male and said, ‘Oh no… I agreed to the blow job but I’m NOT swallowing the seamen.’

= = = = = = = = = = = = =

What’s that? You want to read a joke about an old man’s sperm sample? You sick little monkey! Shame on you!

I met an older woman at a bar last night.

She wasn’t bad for 57; we drank and bullshitted a bit, then she asked if I’d ever had the ‘sportsman’s double’, a mother and daughter threesome?

I said no.

We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was my lucky night.

I went back to her place.

She put the hall light on and shouted upstairs:

“Mom, you still awake?”

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The other day a really gorgeous female friend of mine called me and told me that a strange man had walked up to her door and claiming to work for the Health Department earlier in the day. He said he had orders to ask people in the neighborhood to strip naked and jump up and down while he looked for… ticks.

Needless to say that after ten or fifteen minutes of jumping around stark naked while he looked her over searching for ticks she began to get cold — ‘cuz it’s January and snowing out. She said she realized she’d been scammed by some pervert in a funny hat and glasses, grabbed her clothes and bolted inside.

Wow. I can’t believe she didn’t recognize me in those glasses.

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My parents told me to take pride in my education and to this day I still do so. I also like to take every opportunity to share the wealth with my closest friends.

So, without further ado, the Lesson of the Day is as follows: The Letter ‘B’.

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Now tell me…. Who amongst us dislikes the letter ‘B’?

Some days a guy can really luck out, ya’ know? Take the other day, for example. After a long 10-hour day of slaving away at the office and then fighting traffic on my way home for an hour and a half I dropped all my sh#t in the front hallway of my home, marched directly towards the kitchen to get a beer and saw… this… along the way.

A Beautiful Bounty of Bacon

Apparently my girlfriend went shopping earlier and got us some presents. I love Christmas! Wait… Didn’t we celebrate that a month or so ago? I don’t care! I see bacon!

They need to create a bacon-centric Holiday so that we bacon lovers can rejoice and share the gift of bacon with our fellow bacon believers. I don’t think I’ll live to SEE the day when a standard issue office calendar has Bacon Day listed as an official government Holiday or ever have a chance to walk through a Hallmark Store and browse through Bacon Day greeting cards, but perhaps my children will.

Getting back to the bacon on the table though, wow! A beautiful bounty of bacon… and things get better! Not only did she purchase a perfect pile of pork products, she already had some laid in a frying pan ready to cook! She also had a cold beer for me in her hand!

Man oh man. A cold beer and all that beautiful bacon. Talk about awesome, right? Totally awesome. Love at first sight.

Oh, and as for the girlfriend, I think I’ll keep her around a little while longer.

We have seen waaaaaay too many people forwarding emails and posting bulletins on message boards that deal with rules for men, as written and dreamed up by women. The time has come, folks, for all of that Metrosexual nonsense to take a backseat and let REAL men dictate REAL rules for REAL men.

So without further ado, we now present for your reading pleasure…. Code for the Retrosexual Man

1. A Retrosexual man, no matter what the women insists, PAYS FOR THE DATE.

2. A Retrosexual DEALS with IT, be it a flat tire, break-in at your home, or a natural disaster, you DEAL WITH IT.

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3. A Retrosexual not only eats red meat, he usually prefers to kill it himself… in the backyard.

4. A Retrosexual doesn’t worry about living to be 90. It’s not how long you live, but how well. If you’re 90 years old and still smoking cigars and drinking, I salute you. If you are still having sex, you are a God.

5. A Retrosexual does not use more hair or skin products than a woman. Women have several supermarket aisles of stuff. Retrosexuals need deodorant and shaving gear — that’s it!!

6. A Retrosexual does not dress like a homeboy with baggy pants that drag the ground, or with a gay chain from pocket to pocket. If wearing A hat, he wears it correctly — not on the side like a faggot.

7. A Retrosexual should know how to properly kill stuff (or people) if need be. This falls under the “Dealing with it” portion of The Code.

8. A Retrosexual watches no TV show with “Queer” in the title.

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9. A Retrosexual does not let neighbors screw up rooms in his house on national TV.

10. A Retrosexual should not give up excessive amounts of manliness for women. Some is inevitable, but major reinvention of yourself will only lead to you becoming a handbag carrying little wuss, and in the long run, she ain’t worth it.

11. A Retrosexual is only allowed to seek professional help for major mental stress such as drug or alcohol addiction, death of your entire family in a freak BBQ accident, favorite sports team being moved to a different city, favorite dog expiring, etc.

12. A Retrosexual does NOT see a shrink because Daddy didn’t pay him enough attention. Daddy was busy DEALING WITH IT! When you screwed up, he DEALT with you.

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13. A Retrosexual will have at least one outfit in his wardrobe Designed to conceal himself from prey.

14. A Retrosexual knows how to tie a Windsor knot when wearing a tie — and ONLY a Windsor knot.

15. A Retrosexual should have at least one good wound he can brag about getting. This does not include males who have had cosmetic surgery.

16. A Retrosexual knows how to use a basic set of tools. If you can’t hammer a nail or drill a straight hole, practice in secret until you can or be rightfully ridiculed for the wuss you are.

17. A Retrosexual knows that owning a gun is not a sign that you are riddled with fear. Guns are TOOLS and are often essential to DEAL WITH IT. Plus, it’s just plain fun to fire one off in the direction of those people or things that just need a little “waking up.”

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18. Crying. There are very few reasons that a Retrosexual may cry, and none of them have to do with TV commercials, movies, or soap operas. Sports teams are sometimes a reason to cry, but the preferred method of release is swearing or throwing the remote control. Some reasons a Retrosexual can cry include (but are not limited to) death of a loved one, death of a pet (fish do NOT count as pets in this case), loss of a major body part, or loss of major body part on your Truck.

19. When a Retrosexual is on a crowded bus and or a commuter train, and a pregnant woman, heck, any woman gets on, that Retrosexual stands up and offers his seat to that woman, then looks around at the other so-called men still in their seats with a disgusted “you rude so-and-so” look on his face.

20. A Retrosexual will also give up his seat on a bus to not only any women but any elderly person or person in military dress NOTE:The person in military dress may turn down the offer but the Retrosexual will ALWAYS make the offer to them and thank them for serving their country.

21. A Retrosexual will have hobbies and habits his wife and mother do not understand, but that are essential to his manliness, in that they offset the acceptable manliness decline he suffers when married/engaged or in a serious healthy relationship – i.e., hunting, boxing, shot putting, shooting, cigars, car maintenance and drinking with the boys.

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22. A Retrosexual knows how to sharpen his own knives and kitchen utensils.

23. A Retrosexual man can chop down a tree and make it land where he wants. Wherever it lands is where he bloody well wanted it to land. Except on his Truck – that would happen because of a “force of nature”, and then the Retrosexual man’s options are to Cry, DEAL WITH IT, or do both.

24. A Retrosexual man doesn’t need a contract – a handshake is good enough.

25. A Retrosexual man doesn’t immediately look to sue someone when he does something stupid and hurts himself. We understand that sometimes in the process of doing things we get hurt and we just…….. DEAL WITH IT

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Back on the subject of weight loss, if more restaurants, especially buffets, placed messages like this one in fortune cookies served after the meal people would involuntarily puke up their meals and in doing so, not gain as much weight from what they ate. Others, however, might resort to manual vomit stimulation (i.e. sticking fingers down their throat, thinking about Keith Richards naked, etc.)

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For those of you I offended with that last image, and also for those of you who ENJOYED that last image, please refer to Simply Frogg’s recipe for tasty Asian Crispy Chicken.

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Abu al-Zarqawi died and George Washington met him at the Pearly Gates.
George reached back like a pimp, slapped him across the face, and yelled, “How dare you try to destroy the nation I helped conceive!”

Patrick Henry approached, drew back his fist, punched him in the nose, and shouted, “You wanted to end our liberties but you failed!”

James Madison followed, kicked him in the groin, and said, “This is why I allowed our government to provide for the common defense!”

Thomas Jefferson then beat al-Zarqawi with a long cane and snarled, “It was Evil men like you who inspired me to write the Declaration of Independence!”

The beatings and thrashings continued as George Mason, James Monroe, and 66 other early Americans unleashed their anger on the terrorist Leader.

As al-Zarqawi lay bleeding profusely and in excruciating pain, an Angel appeared.

Al- Zarqawi wept and with blood in his teeth said, “This is not what you promised me…”

The Angel replied softly, “I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you in Heaven. What did you think I said?”

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So the other day while standing in line at Wal-Mart I overheard an older lady telling the cashier, who didn’t really appear to pay much attention to the woman, that she saw a man driving a pickup truck down the interstate… with a dog hanging on to the tailgate for dear life.

I thought to myself, “Oh boy. Another weirdo at Wal-Mart.”

The woman continued on with her story despite the cashier’s total lack of response. She said, “If that man hadn’t been driving that pickup so fast in the other direction she’d have turned around and have tried to stop him. And save that poor, poor animal. It’s a shame what people do these days.”

And with those words, the old woman gathered her three bags and walked off.

Probably just a crazy old woman looking for some conversation, right? Ha! Not hardly!

A few weeks later my neighbor Jim stops me by the mailbox and tells me he saw the darn funniest thing he’s ever seen in his life so I ask him what he saw.

Jim takes out his phone and shows me this:

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Apparently Jim waited for the owner of the vehicle to come out of the store, ‘cuz retired people have time to wait around in Bass Pro Shop parking lots, and talked to the owner of the truck, a local taxidermist with a great sense of humor.

And it’s not a dog, it’s a coyote.

Every once in a great while we get the urge to combine bacon with… pretty much anything we can get our hands on. This time we drank a few too many screwdrivers (that’s vodka and OJ… in case you didn’t know) BEFORE breakfast and thought, “Hey! Wrap the hashbrown thingies in bacon… and bake!”

“Yes, Sir, Captain Belvedere! That sounds like a GREAT idea!”

* burp *

Bacon Wrapped Hashbrowns

The house started to smell pretty good as the slippery meat slowly drained its meaty juices into the hashbrowns and the hasbrowns drank up every drop.

Wow. That sounded pretty obscene.

But anyways, the cooking took place and soon we ventured back to the oven which we keep over near the fridge — the fridge that conveniently held the vodka and OJ. After doling out another round of 22 ounce pre-breakfast brain bashers and giving them a hearty taste test, we opened up the oven and saw…

Bacon Wrapped Hashbrowns

Needless to say we did not get the results we thought we would, but everything turned out OK in the end… ‘cuz it tasted fine and we had no choice BUT to eat the stuff since we had nothing else in the house worth eating and none of us could pass a sobriety test if we got pulled over.

All this before 9 AM. Saturdays ROCK!