Blakk Frogg Joke Blog

Yep. The answers you give to these questions will help you figure out whether or not you should consider yourself a gay man:

1. If you are over forty, and you have a washboard stomach, you are gay. It means you haven’t sucked back enough beer with the boys and have spent the rest of your free time doing sit-ups, aerobics, and doing the Oprah diet.

2. If you have a cat, you are a Flaaaaming homo. A cat is like a dog, but gay– it grooms itself constantly but never scratches itself, has a delicate touch except when it uses its nails, and whines to be fed. And just think about how you call a dog… ‘Killer, come here! I said get your ass over here, Killer!’ Now think about how you call a cat… ‘Bun-bun, come to daddy, snookums!’ Jeeezus, man. You’re fit to be framed, you’re so gay.

3. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, baby pacifiers, or any such nonsense, rest assured, you are a Gaylord. A straight man only sucks on BBQ ribs, crab claws, raw oysters, crawfish guts, pickled pigs feet, or women’s funbags. Anything else and you are in ‘training’ and undeniably a fag.

4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or piss in a parking lot, you crave a deep homosexual relationship. A man’s world is his bathroom; he defecates and urinates where he pleases.

5. If you drink anything other than regular coffee. A straight man will never be heard ordering a ‘Decaf Soy Latte’. If you’ve put a Decaf Soy Latte to your lips, you’ve had a man there, too.

6. If you know more than six names of non-standard colors or four different types of dessert other than ice cream and pie, you might as well be handing out free ass passes. A real man doesn’t have memory space in his brain to remember all of that crap. If you can pick out chartreuse or you know what a ‘fressier’ is you’re gay. And if you can name ANY type of textile other than cotton or denim, you are faggadocious.

7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it, you’re dying to tune a meat whistle. A man only puts both hands on the wheel to honk at a slow-ass driver or to cut the jerk off. The rest of the time he needs that hand to change the radio station, eat a hamburger, or hold his beer.

8. If you do not send this off to all the males on your email list because you are afraid of hurting their feelings, then you are definitely on the verge on being a fudge packer.

Americas Best MySpace Random Comments

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Disclaimer: The mighty Blakk Frogg Crew does NOT discriminate against homosexuals, mexicans, chinese, greek, dead, nearly dead, mostly dead people, or people that look exactly like… YOU. He simply loathes and detests just people who wear too much aftershave, have crappy taste in cologne, bathe in smelly overpriced lotions, wear too much damn deodorant, and/or cover themselves in calamine lotion for pleasure.

Therefore please don’t even THINK about blasting Blakk Frogg with all your hate-filled, ignorant, anti-amphibian emails.

It was funny and you laughed… so shut your filthy sewer of a mouth!

Dear Ronald McDonald,

For years we, the ever-expanding people, have ignored the obvious lie that your company cares for its customers as we happily wolfed down the innumerable grams of fat and billions of calories jam packed into just about everything on your menu. I don’t wish to discuss that today.

Instead, I’d like to ask WHY you hire people that cannot speak English and certainly do not seem as though they can read English, either.

Now before anyone gets mad, this letter has nothing to do with illegal aliens, ‘foreigners’, etc. This letter takes aim at US Citizens born and raised here in the United States that have spoken no other language than English in their whole miserable, stinkin’ lives.

It would make SENSE that a lifelong English speaking person could listen to an order given to them in clear English by a customer and/or read words written in English on a teleprompter screen, turn to co-workers and enunciate the syllables clearly so that nothing gets lost in translation — from English to English.

But NO, that does not happen. We, as a public, have gotten SO lazy in our use of language that we drop syllables out of words for the sake of our own convenience even if the syllables had a purpose. Never mind the fact that the party who CREATED the word put the syllables in there for a reason… so that people would understand what the f#$k the word really meant!

Americas Best MySpace Foods Comments

What sparked this tirade? Quite simply, the McDonald’s near my work has systematically screwed up the SAME simple order more times in the past year than I can keep track of and since different employees did it each time I have determined that the root cause of this problem comes from a societal problem rather than the idiocy of one loser with a piss poor education.

Do you see anything confusing in the following statement?

“Hi, I’d like a Sausage McMuffin with Egg, please.”

Somehow it continually gets turned into “I need a Sausage Muffin Egg” or “I need a Sausage (muffled sound)-Muffin” by someone in the restaurant and you know what happens? They give me a sausage patty w/ cheese on a muffin — despite the CLEAR wording on the receipt AND the teleprompter.

You will NEVER get out of that dead-end career path of yours, you ADULTS who keep f#$kin’ up my order. Do you SEE a ‘sausage egg muffin’ on the f#$kin’ menu? Huh? Do you? And then HOW do you forget to add the egg to the non-existent ‘sausage egg muffin’ you took the time to create in that puny little mind of yours?

Musta’ used up all your brainpower twisting a perfectly good food order given to you in English into an ebonically-enhanced, confusing collection of grammatical crap.

So, McDonald’s, although not very realistic or logical idea, perhaps you OUGHT to hire illegal aliens who have taken the time to learn English as a second language and strive each day to speak it better and with greater accuracy… instead of hiring Americans who take the English language for granted and pervert it to a point where no one can understand it…

… and as a result they f#$k up a simple breakfast order over and over again.

Americas Best MySpace Foods Comments

So, Ronald, it will suffice to say that I may have to abandon you as my source of quick breakfast foods. and besides… I heard some guy named The King stole your idea and sells it for a lot less roughly 50 yards down the road.

Sincerely,

– Blakk Frogg

Women are like phones.

They like to be held;

They like to be talked to;

And they like to be touched often.

But push the wrong button,

And your ass gets disconnected.

Americas Best MySpace Attitude Comments

Yes, we know the 4th of July happened two weeks… deal with it.

At some point over that weekend the infamous Blakk Frogg decided to put a few things together that represented HIS Fourth of July Celebration and below you will see what that evil bastard came up with… after a full day of pounding beers, eating bacon and buying things to blow up.

Now if that photo doesn’t explain everything RIGHT w/ America, then what does? Granted Blakk Frogg omitted the inclusion of a Maxim Magazine cover, but only because his new edition had not arrived in the mail yet. Ha ha.

Blakk Frogg never bought fireworks legally before. If he had more money available, he’d have bought A WHOLE LOT MORE than he did — in spite of his girlfriend’s protests.

Something about hanging out with friends all day drinking ice cold beers pulled from a sizable “bucket of beer”, grilling a truckload of meat on the grill (most flavored somehow w/ bacon, of course), and then blowing things up LEGALLY really appeals to a Frogg.

Wait… Did you just see the award-winning phrase “bucket of beer” and NOT understand what that meant? Sinners! The whole lot of you! We must educate you, ya’ filthy heathens!

Yes. Yes we like beer. Yes we like bacon. Yes we wish the whole world would just stopping acting like a bunch of bitches and just send us all its beer and bacon.

Is that so WRONG?

No, we didn’t leave beer on the bottom of the shopping cart in the grocery store parking lot. Instead, we forgot to post an image of the BEER supply we lined up while visiting w/ family in Myrtle Beach. OOPS.

Now we must tell you, though, that we had more beer lined up waiting to go in the fridge… but damn… don’t that there fridge full’o’beer look right perty?

Bottles of liquor made an appearance, too. More accurately they made a DISappearance. Ha ha. One of the liquor adventures included sample bottles of Jagermeister and Tequila Rose. The guy at the liquor store, an self-admitted lover of bacon, by the way, suggested we add a shot called Jagged Rose to the stuff we’d lined up on the counter already. Hmmmm…. How could we resist?

How’d it taste? Not too bad… Not too bad at all.

And now for the bacon

You didn’t think we’d post something and not mention bacon, did you? Silly rabbit! Take yourself out back and flog yourself with a gopher corpse!

So anyways, our hosts also love bacon and couldn’t WAIT to show us a new bacon-infused cheese their local deli recently began selling… and what better way to demonstrate the sheer awesomeness of a new cheese than over perfectly cooked, hand-packed burgers, right?

The cheese? Cheddar. The bacon? Applewood smoked. The verdict? Totally tasty! Go out and get some right now if you can!

About a month ago we packed up the car and headed down to Myrtle Beach for some fun, family, food, beer, bacon and sun. We spent time w/ family for the first part of the trip and so naturally that meant one thing and one thing only…. No, not a family feud, ya’ dweeb. BEER and BACON!

Above you see a whole lot of bacon getting cooked up real nice on our hosts’ sweet bacon cookin’ griddle. Nothing says, “Good Morning, You Evil Little Amphibians” better than a griddle full of bacon!

Here at More Bacon Please we have an undying love for bacon… and so do most of our friends! These next two pics come from a good friend from way, way back named George and MAN does this flippin’ massively baconified burger look great!

Naturally you ant to know what went into “The George Burger”, right? Of course you do! In the words of this bacon-a-licious burger’s creator,

“3/4 lb of lean burger meat stuffed w/ horseradish, freshly grated cheddar, handfuls of crumbled bacon… then topped w/ swiss cheese. Oh, and of course more bacon!”

We will forgive George for neglecting to mention what looks like mayonnaise and lettuce on the burger once it got cut open, which happens in the next pic.

So if you ever feel the need to eat a giant, meaty, bacon-stuffed, beast-sized burger with a whole lot of flavor, give George’s recipe a try!

First off, let us say that we have not ventured into a Kentucky Fried Chicken food serving facility in YEARS because we found their food priced too high for what we thought it should have cost. Oh, and something they use in their food always made pretty much everyone we know do a “Dine’n’Dash” — not meaning they boned out on the check after the meal, but rather they ate and quickly dashed home to the comfort and solitude of their own private bathrooms.

Many rolls of toilet paper died a horrible fate after some KFC meals… Need we go into more detail than that?

So anyways, we decided to pick up a few of the new KFC Double Down sandwiches to see if the hype matched the allegedly meaty meal’s real nature.

Below you will see a picture of the ‘fried’ version. We wanted the ‘grilled version’, but the guy in front of us walked away with the last one.

If we had a nickel for each time we went to KFC and had to wait some ridiculous amount of time because they ran out something ‘right before we got there’, we’d have an eighteen wheeler full of nickels… and hence another reason why we gave up on the Colonel a long time ago: No one has given us any nickels for our inconvenience.

Getting back to the KFC Double Down review, though, first let us tell you that each sandwich costs a little more than $5 apiece.

Huh? What? $5 per SANDWICH? Wow.

So after scarfing down one of the fat and calorie bomb Double Downs we all agreed that they tasted good (we ordered ours w/ extra sauce), and also that none of us could figure out exactly what part of the sandwich gave it such a salty taste.

For anyone looking to fill up on just a sandwich, don’t bank on it if you have a hearty appetite. An average person could probably manage two of the sandwiches as a meal without too much difficulty.

As for the bacon, well, the KFC Double Down did, indeed, have two strips of bacon. Not much more we can say about the bacon other than the KFC Double Down would have lacked character without it.

Then again, we say that about ANYthing that has bacon on or in it…

One final note: We liked the fact that they threw pepper jack cheese into the mix instead of some generic, bland processed cheddar crap.

Your loyal friend Blakk Frogg did NOT make this up:

Nintendo’s Wii controllers have wreaked havoc on flat screen TVs and tweaked more than a few elbows. That’s nothing compared to one UK woman’s claim that a tumble from the Wii Fit balance board turned her into a sex addict.

News service ANI reports that Amanda Flowers, 24, a catering worker in Manchester, England, damaged a nerve when she fell from the Fit board. When the slightest vibrations — cell phones, appliances — began to turn her on, she sought medical care. A doctor diagnosed her with persistent sexual arousal syndrome, a rare and mysterious disorder the doctor linked to Flowers’ damaged nerve.

ANI reports that Flowers now “needs 10 sex sessions a day” to satisfy her sexual arousal. “With no cure I just have to try to control my passion by breathing deeply,” she told the news service. “Hopefully one day I’ll find a superstud who can satisfy me.” ( source )

Certainly you tuned into this blog posting for one of several reasons:

1. You own a Wii Fit Console and wanted to find out how you, too, could become a sex addict.

2. If true, the story of a Wii Fit Console turning a woman into a sex addict will serve as the final reason you need to convince yourself to go out and buy one.

3. You already have an addiction to sex and want something ‘plausible’ and/or ‘scientific’ to blame it on.

4. You fear that your current (unattractive) sex partner may suffer a similar fate and you want to know if you need to sabotage his/her Wii Fit Console so you don’t wind up having to ‘do the nasty’ 10 times a day to satisfy their needs.

So… What other reasons can YOU think of that caused people to flock to this blog posting, huh?

Americas Best MySpace Sex Comments

Americas Best MySpace Sex Comments

There is no “I” in team. But there are three U’s in “Shut the Fu#k Up!”

Never forget that.

Americas Best MySpace Attitude Comments

While Blakk Frogg certainly didn’t come up w/ that one on his own, he did laugh his amphibious nuts off when he read it and felt obligated to share! Now shut the f#ck up and get him a cold beer!

Americas Best MySpace Drinking Comments