Blakk Frogg Joke Blog

‘Twas the night before Christmas-Old Santa was pissed.
He cussed out the elves and threw down his list.
Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks.
I have a good mind to scrap the whole works!

I’ve busted my ass for damn near a year,
Instead of “Thanks Santa”-what do I hear?
The old lady bitches cause I work late at night.
The elves want more money-The reindeer all fight.

Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids.
Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS.
And just when I thought that things would get better
Those assholes from the IRS sent me a letter,
They say I owe taxes-if that ain’t damn funny
Who the hell ever sent Santa Claus any money?

And the kid these days-they all are the pits
They want the impossible – Those mean little shits
I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds
Assembling dolls… Their arms, legs and heads
I made a ton of yo yo’s — No request for them,
They want computers and robots… they think – I’m IBM!

Flying through the air… dodging the trees
Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees
I’m quitting this job there’s just no enjoyment
I’ll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment.

There’s no Christmas this year now you know the reason,
I found me a WOMAN — I’m going SOUTH for the season!

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Although Blakk Frogg has the utmost respect for the fat man in the red suit, he does think the old boy could use a little amusement on his one night of worldwide travel…

1. Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.

2. While he’s in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket.

3. Leave him a note, explaining that you’ve gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.

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4. While he’s in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly.

5. Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit!

6. Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that say “We hate Christmas,” and “Go away Santa.”

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7. Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home.

8. Throw a surprise party for Santa when he comes down the chimney. Refuse to let him leave until the strippers arrive.

9. While he’s in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon as he comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldn’t have missed that last payment, and take off.

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10. Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk out, with a note that says, “For The Tooth Fairy. :)” Leave another plate out with half a stale cookie and a few drops of skim milk in a dirty glass with a note that says, “For Santa. :(“

11. Take everything out of your house as if it’s just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, “Well, well. They always return to the scene of the crime.”

12. Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections.

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13. While he’s in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed wire.

14. Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where Santa’s sure to see them. Go outside, yell, “Ooh! Look! A deer! And he’s got a red nose!” and fire a gun.

15. Leave Santa a note, explaining that you’ve moved. Include a map with unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new house.

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16. Set a bear trap at the bottom of the chimney. Wait for Santa to get caught in it, and then explain that you’re sorry, but from a distance, he looked like a bear.

17. Leave out a Santa suit, with an attached dry-cleaning bill.

18. Paint “hoof-prints” all over your face and clothes. While he’s in the house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up, act like you’ve been “trampled.” Threaten to sue for personal injury.

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19. Instead of ornaments, decorate your tree with Easter eggs.

20. Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa to come and then say, “This neighborhood ain’t big enough for the both of us…”

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Typically Blakk Frogg decorates his own tree, but this year he decided to get a little help from Santa’s friends over at Girls for MySpace.

Naughty Allie Christmas Pics
From Girls For MySpace!

Naughty Allie Christmas Pics
From Girls For MySpace!

Naughty Allie Christmas Pics
From Girls For MySpace!

Naughty Allie Christmas Pics
From Girls For MySpace!

Naughty Allie Christmas Pics
From Girls For MySpace!

Naughty Allie Christmas Pics
From Girls For MySpace!

Naughty Allie Christmas Pics
From Girls For MySpace!

Naughty Allie Christmas Pics
From Girls For MySpace!

Now THAT’s what Blakk Frogg call a Happy Ending! Check out all the other Girls for Myspace for free, damn it! Free!

Merry Froggin’ Christmas, y’all!

As I walked down a busy sidewalk in the middle afternoon, already late for an important meeting, I spotted one of those unfortunate, homeless vagabonds now found in pretty much every city these days.

Wearing what I can only describe as tattered rags and carrying every worldly possession in two plastic bags, this poor soul’s pitiful condition pulled heavy on my heart strings.

Some people turned to stare while others quickly looked away as if the sight, itself, would somehow contaminate them.

Recalling the words once spoken by a priest I’d read about many years ago, a man who’d made an admonition to ‘care for the sick, feed the hungry and clothe the naked’. His words echoed in my head I was moved by some powerful inner urge to reach out to this unfortunate person.

Yes, where some people saw only rags, I saw a deep, hidden beauty. A small voice inside my head called out to me and said, “Reach out, reach out!”

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And so I did…

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I wonder if the priest went through this?

Over his numerous years in ‘the business’, Blakk Frogg has noticed that people, mostly men have an unusual obsession with the term ‘camel toe’ and will go to great lengths trying to find examples of it, pictures of it, stories about it, and real-life encounters with it whenever possible.

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A few years ago he posted an image which cleared up the question of, “Is there a difference between camel toe and moose knuckle?”

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Well now people have come forward and asked Blakk Frogg, “What happens when a man goes too long w/o getting any Camel Toe?”

Previously doctors and scientisists agreed that a condition known as ‘blue balls’ set in and the man endured agonizing pain in his scrotum.  Now, however, thanks to the diligent research of Blakk Frogg, the world has a NEW answer: Men, as a in general, tend to take things quite literally at times so when the pain of ‘blue balls’ sets in, and sets in good, we go after the first thing we see that makes us think about the thing we want… and we go after it with everything we’ve got!

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Yet another mystery solved by the infamous Blakk Frogg…. you can thank him later at Happy Hour.  Oh, and before you get pissed at him for possibly poking fun at a member of the US Military, please take a good, long look at the image below:

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Now you tell him… If YOU had to deal with crazy-eyed, weapon-toting motherfuckers like that 24 hours a day for a year at a time and get no camel toe for that entire time, wouldn’t YOUR mind start to wander, too?

One beautiful December evening Pedro and his girlfriend Rosita were sitting by the side of the ocean.

It was a romantic full moon, when Pedro said,

“Hey, mamacita, let’s do Weeweechu.”

Oh no, not now, let’s look at the moon!” said Rosita.

Oh, c’mon baby, let’s you and I do Weeweechu. I love you and it’s the perfect time,” Pedro begged.

“But I wanna just hold your hand and watch the moon.” replied Rosita

Please, corazoncito, just once, do Weeweechu with me.”

Rosita looked at Pedro and said, “OK, one time, we’ll do Weeweechu.”

Pedro grabbed his guitar and they both sang…..

“Weeweechu a Merry Christmas,
Weeweechu a Merry Christmas,
Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year.”

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Wanna’ know what all the COOL people in your office have been laughing at?  Curious to know why Steve shot coffee out of his nose this morning?  Of course you are!  Read the most popular Blakk Frogg Blog postings & pages for the last 30 days on Da’ Blakk Frogg Blog and rejoin the land of the amused!

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes.

We decided to grab a bite at the food court.

I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue.

My dad kept staring at him The teenager would look and find him
staring every time.

When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, “What’s the
matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?”

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not
choke on his response; knowing he would have a good one. And in
classic style he did not bat an eye in his response.

“Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock.  I was just wondering if
you were my son.”

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Also in the news, a panel of experts in human psychology recently released the results of its 2-year study on the effects of watching sarcastic modern-day cartoons such as ‘Futurama’.Their findings shocked the scientific world and have caused many ripples in society.

Apparently, leaving shows such as ‘Futurama’ on in the background while in the presence of hot girls causes the girls to lose their mind and volunteer for cheaply improvised bonadage sessions. See below for an illustration of how this works:

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Blakk Frogg plans on stopping by Best Buy on his way home from work to get all the seasons of that show on DVD and Home Depot for about 20 feet of clothesline… so ladies, feel free to drop by Frogg’s Place at your convenience.

You’ll find more nonsense like the above picture on….. Sarcastic MySpace Comments!

Recent events in life have caused Blakk Frogg to wonder if fate will ever hold out anything good for him… or if it will perpetually serve him a heaping helping of nonsense:

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Where Blakk Frogg comes from, they affectionately refer to that very same ‘nonsense’….. as a shit sandwich.