Blakk Frogg Joke Blog

Dear Husband:

I’m writing you this letter to tell you that I’m leaving you for good.

I’ve been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it.

These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn’t notice that I had gotten my hair and nails done, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new negligee. You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching the game.

You don’t tell me you love me anymore, you don’t touch me or anything. Either you’re cheating or you don’t love me anymore, whatever the case is, I’m gone.

P.S. If you’re trying to find me, don’t. Your BROTHER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!

Signed Your Ex-Wife

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And Now The Husband’s Response

Dear Ex-Wife:

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It’s true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you’ve been. I watch sports so much to try to drown out your constant nagging. Too bad that doesn’t work. I did notice when you cut off all of your hair last week, the first thing that came to mind was “You look just like a man!” My mother raised me to not say anything if you can’t say anything nice.

When you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. I went to sleep on you when you had on that new negligee because the price tag was still on it. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your negligee was $49.99.

After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have the filling life you always wanted. My lawyer said with your letter that you wrote, you won’t get a dime from me. So take care.

P.S. I don’t know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother was born Carla. I hope that’s not a problem.

Signed Rich and Free!

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Blakk Frogg has always found great amusement in watching people inverting their bodies over a keg while their friends held the business end of a tap (the hose for all you rookies out there) in their mouth… with the idea in their head that the longer they stay inverted and drinking, the more people will respect and admire them.

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OK, well that worked at frat parties, house parties and even at a variety of other types of parties that Blakk Frogg has had the pleasure of attending. But NOW he thinks he has found the Ultimate Time for a Keg Stand!

No, not after a mid-term. No, not after graduating college. No, not after winning the lottery and finding out you also inherited all of Microsoft, either.

Think of it this way: Nothing screams, “I’m so happy to be getting hitched!” more than doing a keg stand at your own wedding… in your wedding dress!

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Now no one’s saying that sort of behavior is wrong, but it certainly is a bit unusual… Bottoms Up!

January

Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February

Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels. Helllloooo!!! Bottles won’t fit in typewriter!

March

Got really excited….. finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months…. box said “2-4 years!”

April

Trapped on an escalator for hours….. power went out!

May

Tried to make Kool-Aid….. wrong instructions…. 8 cups of water won’t fit into those little packets!

June

Tried to go water skiing….. couldn’t find a lake with a slope.

July

Lost breast stroke swimming competition….. learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!

August

Got locked out of my car in rainstorm….. car swamped because soft-top was open.

September

The capital of California is “C”….. isn’t it?

November

Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days….. instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108 lbs!

December

Couldn’t call 911….. “duh”….. there’s no “eleven” button on the stupid phone!

What a year!

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Everyone knows Blakk Frogg likes to drink. Therefore, he proudly presents you with a joke about the creation of a new, yummy mixed drink BOUND to make the ladies squeal!

A guy walks into a bar, sits down and asks, “Bartender, got any specials today?”

Bartender answers, “Why yes, as a matter of fact we do, a brand new drink invented by a gynecologist patron of ours. It’s a mix of Pabst Blue Ribbon Beer and Smirnoff Vodka.”

The guy asks, “Good grief, what do you call that?”

The bartender replied, “A Pabst Smir.”

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A Greek and Italian were sitting in a Starbucks’ one day discussing who had the superior culture.

Over triple lattes, the Greek guy says, “Well, we have the Parthenon.”

Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replies, “We have the Coliseum.”

The Greek retorts, “We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics.”

The Italian, nodding agreement, says, “But we built the Roman Empire.”

And so on and so on, until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion… With a flourish of finality he says, “We invented sex!”

The Italian replies, “That is true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women.”

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A cowgirl, who is visiting Texas from Arkansas , walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. She sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When she finishes them, she comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowgirl, “You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time.”

The cowgirl replies, “Well, you see, I have two sisters. One is in Australia , the other is in Dublin. When we all left our home in Arkansas, we promised that we’d drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I’m drinking one beer for each of my sisters and one for myself.”

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The cowgirl becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. She orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

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One day, she comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When she comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, “I don’t want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss.”

The cowgirl looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in her eyes and she laughs. “Oh, no, everybody’s just fine,” she explains, “It’s just that my husband and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking.”

“Hasn’t affected my sisters though.”

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“I miss you! I really miss you! & I tried to visit you, but the dumb ass security guard wouldn’t let me in the zoo!”

“Pussy is like a peach. It’s fat, full of juice, & if you go in deep enough, you’ll get a nut.”

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“After great sex, she lies there playing with his penis. He asks, “Do you want more?” “No,” she says, “just admiring your penis. I miss mine.”

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“How does a vagina look before sex? Like a lovely pink rose. How does a vagina look after sex? Ever seen a bulldog eating mayonnaise.”

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“SPECIAL REPORT: The police are arresting hoochies w/ good coochies. Run bitch run!! They already got me!” (I’ve also heard this one the other way around… “You don’t have to worry, but come bail me out.”)

“Li’l red riding hood met the big bad wolf at the club. He took her home & asked, “Can I stick it in?” She said, “No, Just stick to the story & eat me!”

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“Mr Penis said to the balls, “Get ready we’re going to a party.” His balls said, “Fuckin’ liar! You always go inside & leave us outside knockin’, bitch!”

“Women have unique magic tricks. They get wet w/o water, bleed w/o injury, and make boneless things hard.”

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“How do you feel abt oral sex? Does it go both ways? If so, then sitting on my face is a good idea. I’d like to invite you over for a formal sitting.”

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“3 of my hoes escaped last night. I found 1 @ a strip club, 1 on a corner, but where the fuck are you?!”

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“Snow White was fired from Disney World today. She was caught sitting on Pinochio’s face screaming, “Lie mother fucker, lie!”

So it has been a few days that Adam has been in existence. Wondering what is missing in his life, when he comes face to face with God.

God asks him, “My son, are you happy?” and Adam replies, “yes, it is beautiful here, the mountains are lovely, the sparkling water is gorgeous, the animals are all in harmony- and yet, I feel as though something is missing. I don’t know….it is like all the animals are in pairs, but I have no one. It is just me and nature. It would be nice to have a companion of some sort, you know.”

God says,’” Well, I think that I know the solution to your emptiness. I will create someone for you. She is to be your soul mate, and compliment you in every way imaginable. You will never argue, never tire of her, she will always be loyal, understanding, with the ability to read your mind and your desires. She will fulfill you 100%, everyday, for the rest of your days on this Earth.”

“Wow”, exclaims Adam, “that is unbelievable. Yes absolutely, I am positive that this creature will totally complete me. When will I get to meet her?”

“No… not so fast,” God says,” a creature this perfect is not for free, it will cost you quite a bit.”

Adam replies “Really, how much would you say?”

Rubbing his chin, God answers, “Let’s see, it will cost you an arm and a leg”

Adam remains pensive for a moment, to which he then responds, “Hmmmm… that is a lot to pay. What can I get for a rib?”

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Bob and his lovely blonde wife live in Wisconsin. One winter morning while listening to the radio, they hear the announcer say, “We are going to have 4-6 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through” Bob’s wife goes out and moves her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, “We are expecting 6-8 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through.” Bob’s wife goes out and moves her car again.

The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says “We are expecting 8-10 inches of snow today. You must park………..” then the electric power goes out. Bob’s wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says, “Honey, I don’t know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the plow can get through?”

With the love and understanding in his voice like all men who are married to blondes exhibit, Bob says, “Honey why don’t you just leave it in the garage this time?”

Blakk Frogg says, “Sometimes family gets in the way of a person’s natural recovery.”

= = = = = = = = =

The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, so she could be a part of her 100th birthday celebration.

Grandma couldn’t speak very well, so she wrote notes when she needed to communicate.

After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some attentive family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows under her right side.

A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the loving family members grabbed her and stuffed pillows under her, this time on the left side on her left.

Soon she started leaning forward, so the devoted family members again grabbed her and set her upright. They then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.

A nephew who arrived late came running up to Grandma and said, “Hi Grandma, you’re looking good! How are they treating you?”

Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew, “They won’t let me fart.”

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