Blakk Frogg Joke Blog

While the bacon does rule our Universe, and all neighboring Universes as well, sometimes people go a little too far with their bacon worship practices… and use bacon in inappropriate ways.

No, we don’t mean some sicko has locked himself in a room with a stack of Playboy or Hustler magazines and 5 pounds of raw bacon. We DO mean that some people add bacon to foods that, in our opinion, ought to have remained bacon-less.

As an example, some creative bastards apparently got stoned one day and blended up a batch of bacon flavored ice cream.

We say, “Hooray” for the presence of bacon, of course… but we really don’t feel all that good about the idea of mixing bacon with our ice cream.

Actually, we feel a bit nauseous right now.

Hungry for a really nice chicken sandwich w/ bacon? Cool! You came to the right place! Below you will see everything you need to assemble a chicken sandwich w/ bacon that will knock your grandmother’s socks off!

We did not include bread in that photo because we don’t CARE about bread at our house. We have some and we eat it but we certainly don’t care about it for you see, in our world ONLY MEAT MATTERS!

We make exceptions for things like cheese because it comes from meat and pasta sauce because it usually shows up in a dish that contains… meat.

In the next photo, though, we included bread… but only because it has cheese and pasta sauce on it!

These sandwiches tasted GOOD. End of story.

Oh, you filthy-minded bacon lovers! I bet you thought you would see something DIRTY when you clicked the link and got to this page! Ha ha.

Black Pepper Bacon, Plumrose Premium Bacon and… You!

Well who doesn’t get all excited when they think about bacon and s-e-x, right? If the thought of getting into it with two hot, lean, salty types of bacon doesn’t get your motor running, you should seek professional help!

Here… Let our Bacon Nurses show you to your room…

We hope you enjoy the happy ending bacon massage! Ha ha…

Like serial killers trying to relive the moment of their last kill, we have returned to the scene of the crime… and brought with us some black pepper coated bacon for the ride! So, so tasty!

The black pepper coated bacon that captured the attention of our tastebuds comes from WalMart… and it comes in 24 ounce packages instead of 12 or 16 ounce packages like most other brands.

After doing a little math, and comparison shopping, we discovered that the per ounce cost for the pepper coated bacon exceeds the per ounce costs of ‘regular’ bacon by only a few pennies and that it does not come anywhere near the (inflated!) per ounce costs of some ‘premium’ brands of bacon.

Bacon that looks great, smells great, cooks great, tastes great… and doesn’t break the bank. How can any rational bacon-loving person not love THAT?

Ever get shot at… by bacon? We have. Not so much with this kind of bacon, though. Yeah, sure, it takes a few cheap shots at you like ALL bacon does when it cooks, but at least THIS type of bacon has yet to put bacon grease stains two feet the wall behind the stove like several other types have.

Now substitute your face for the wall. Yes. Bacon grease can and will go after your face from time to time so always keep your guard up when cooking even the finest grade of bacon.

If the site of that bacon does not make you start drooling, you really ought to check your pulse. Seriously.

Now if you will please excuse us, we have to go and get us some bacon! All this talk about bacon has made us HUNGRY!

We have never figured out for sure what makes a product ‘premium’, though we have noticed that things labeled as premium tend to cost more… so perhaps if you want something you manufacture to become ‘premium’, just raise the price, right?

Seems silly, and once more we digress from our intended topic… BACON!

Today’s bacon review features Plumrose Premium Bacon which normally comes with a pricetag that we don’t like… but we found it for a really great sale recently so here goes nothing!

Now that you have seen the packaging, which really did not inspire any feelings of bacon lust or bacon desire within our souls, we will now show you raw, naked bacon up close and personal. Parental discretion advised.

Wow! Did you see the size of her… Huh? Oh, right. Gotta’ keep this PG-13. Ha ha.

So anyways, the bacon looked pretty damn good laying out all naked like that… so we just HAD to turn up the heat, ya’ know?

Now who wants to see a ‘before and after’ picture featuring… bacon?

Verdict: We felt this bacon definitely lived up to its ‘premium’ labeling despite not costing us a week’s wages. It gave off a really good smell right out of the pack and cooked up relatively easily w/o shooting an excessive number of hot grease globs at us (see August 10, 2009’s Bacon Review: Fresh Market Bacon). We award Plumrose Premium Bacon 3.81 slices (out of 5) and suggest you try it next time it goes on sale.

Why wait for it to go on sale? Simple: Even bacon tastes better when you get it for less money, stupid!

Such a stupid question, but still, since Amanda from St. Louis, MO took the time to ask we will humor her by replying.

“Yes, we eat things other than bacon. Despite how utterly awesome the idea sounds, mankind canNOT survive on bacon alone. Therefore we also eat items from the other important food groups: Meat, more meat, and more meat on top of that with a side dish of meat.”

For those curious about an example of a meat dish we absolutely LOVE even though it lacks bacon (nothing’s perfect), check out this killer Bison Steak we order at Four Moons Restaurant in Orangeburg, SC.

Tender Bison Steak at Four Moons Restaurant

We hope this answers your question, Amanda. Now make yourself useful and go make us a double bacon sandwich, ya’ nosey little parasite!

Gather around, folks, and get ready for another fascinating tale of wizardry, high-flying motorcycle stunts, bare knuckle brawling and… bacon. OK, so we lied about the wizardry, high-flying motorcycle stunts, and bare knuckle brawling.

At any rate, we had this particular bacon on our Bacon Radar for a long time before we actually got around to buying it. Why did it take so long? Simple: Pretty much every store always had the Oscar Mayer brand of bacon priced way too damn high for our budget… until now, obviously, and only ‘cuz Wal-Mart had it on sale.

So yes, indeed, folks, we will now get to live out our Oscar Mayer fantasy. Damn, that sounded perverted. Forget I said that.

We think too many people forget the importance of taking the time to select the correct package of bacon while in the grocery store. As we stand there comparing the marbling and colors found in each unique package at least two or three people (usually on the phone gabbing about useless crap) walk up, look for a particular brand or sale price, grab the first pack of bacon they see that fits their criteria, and head off to the next item on their shopping list.

Over the years we have hypothesized that the same people who haphazardly choose their bacon probably also park illegally in handicapped spots, run red lights at dangerous intersections, abuse puppies and kittens with frayed steel cables, cheat on their spouses with members of the same sex, and routinely watch primetime sitcoms about pregnant gophers bashing each other genitals with flaming phlegm balls.

People like that don’t DESERVE bacon! But I digress…

At first we feared that our eagerness to sink our fangs into the Oscar Mayer bacon would result in our giving an unfair, biased opinion about the product but worry not, friends, because we love bacon waaaaay too much to EVER steer you wrong… when it comes to bacon, at least. lol.

Don’t EVER ask us for advice on your love life, tax problems, car trouble or if that bathing suit makes you look fat… ‘cuz it DOES.

Geting back to the bacon, you could clearly see that we picked a prime package of bacon that day. Now you get to see what we saw when we put the bacon in the pan…

Wow. So meaty and so sexy laying in that pan getting all hot’n’bothered.

Hey! Get your mind out of the gutter, OK?

Now you can yell at us if you like for not posting a picture of the Oscar Mayer Thick Cut after cooking. We would LOVE to tell you that our Inner Bacon Beasts took over caused us to wolf down the meat as soon as it cooled down enough to get it into our mouths… but we can’t lie to you like that.

Pretty much right as we finished cooking the bacon a group of angry terrorist crackheads burst through the front door of our humble bacon-loving home and stole all of our electronic devices in the name of their leader, Prince Dookiepants the Terrbile from Toledo, Ohio. Before we knew what happened they had stolen everything and left us only with the clothes on our backs and the bacon on our stove.

After calling the Police from a neighbor’s phone we returned homwe to ur recently ransacked abode, sat around the kitchen table eating bacon and bitching about life.

OK, so we actually just plain and simple forgot to take pictures. OOPS.

The bacon tasted great, though, and cooked up really well. No lame, shriveled up scraps of meat and not a ton of grease left over after cooking 8 pieces, either. Pretty darn impressive, right?

Verdict: We awarded Oscar Mayer Thick Cut Bacon 4.5 strips (out of 5). What cost them that half a point? We got hungry and ate it… ‘cuz it tasted like bacon!

Every once in a great while somebody feels the need to spout off at the mouth about how much they dislike hunters, don’t agree with killing animals for eating purposes, etc.

Well THIS time some dumb bastard REALLY tried to give hunters a piece of their mind…

Dumbest Anti-Hunting Quote… EVER?!?

After reading, re-reading, and then re-reading that quote again we have not yet figured out how much of their mind the author gave, but we know damn sure they couldn’t POSSIBLY have too much of their mind left… if any at all.

Moral of the Story? Use caution when making a public statement against hunting or some prick like me will post it on the internet and link it to a bacon & meat store. lol.

We won’t bore you with another review of Market Bacon from our local butcher shop. Instead we’ll get reight down to business and show you what a few pieces from the latest batch looked like after we cooked them.

No matter how many times we see pictures of bacon, we still get that ‘oh how I want to eat you’ feeling in the deepest, most bacon-craving parts of our souls.

Now we SUPPOSE you think we will show you a giant platter piled high with eggs, bacon, more bacon, some hashbrowns, and another gigantic portion of bacon. Although that DOES sound like an absolutley f’ing wonderful idea, we ran low on funds and could only afford to show you the following ‘Bacon Breakfast of the Working Man’.

While the above breakfast lacks any real character and charm, it does contain a lot of vitamins and nutrients. It also has bacon. ‘Nuff said!