Blakk Frogg Joke Blog

Bacon Review: Oscar Mayer Thick Cut

Posted by: Blakk Frogg In: Humor|Sarcastic

Gather around, folks, and get ready for another fascinating tale of wizardry, high-flying motorcycle stunts, bare knuckle brawling and… bacon. OK, so we lied about the wizardry, high-flying motorcycle stunts, and bare knuckle brawling.

At any rate, we had this particular bacon on our Bacon Radar for a long time before we actually got around to buying it. Why did it take so long? Simple: Pretty much every store always had the Oscar Mayer brand of bacon priced way too damn high for our budget… until now, obviously, and only ‘cuz Wal-Mart had it on sale.

So yes, indeed, folks, we will now get to live out our Oscar Mayer fantasy. Damn, that sounded perverted. Forget I said that.

Oscar Mayer Thick Cut Bacon

We think too many people forget the importance of taking the time to select the correct package of bacon while in the grocery store. As we stand there comparing the marbling and colors found in each unique package at least two or three people (usually on the phone gabbing about useless crap) walk up, look for a particular brand or sale price, grab the first pack of bacon they see that fits their criteria, and head off to the next item on their shopping list.

Over the years we have hypothesized that the same people who haphazardly choose their bacon probably also park illegally in handicapped spots, run red lights at dangerous intersections, abuse puppies and kittens with frayed steel cables, cheat on their spouses with members of the same sex, and routinely watch primetime sitcoms about pregnant gophers bashing each other genitals with flaming phlegm balls.

People like that don’t DESERVE bacon! But I digress…

Oscar Mayer Thick Cut Bacon

At first we feared that our eagerness to sink our fangs into the Oscar Mayer bacon would result in our giving an unfair, biased opinion about the product but worry not, friends, because we love bacon waaaaay too much to EVER steer you wrong… when it comes to bacon, at least. lol.

Don’t EVER ask us for advice on your love life, tax problems, car trouble or if that bathing suit makes you look fat… ‘cuz it DOES.

Geting back to the bacon, you could clearly see that we picked a prime package of bacon that day. Now you get to see what we saw when we put the bacon in the pan…

Oscar Mayer Thick Cut Bacon

Wow. So meaty and so sexy laying in that pan getting all hot’n’bothered.

Hey! Get your mind out of the gutter, OK?

Now you can yell at us if you like for not posting a picture of the Oscar Mayer Thick Cut after cooking. We would LOVE to tell you that our Inner Bacon Beasts took over caused us to wolf down the meat as soon as it cooled down enough to get it into our mouths… but we can’t lie to you like that.

Pretty much right as we finished cooking the bacon a group of angry terrorist crackheads burst through the front door of our humble bacon-loving home and stole all of our electronic devices in the name of their leader, Prince Dookiepants the Terrbile from Toledo, Ohio. Before we knew what happened they had stolen everything and left us only with the clothes on our backs and the bacon on our stove.

After calling the Police from a neighbor’s phone we returned homwe to ur recently ransacked abode, sat around the kitchen table eating bacon and bitching about life.

Oscar Mayer Thick Cut Bacon

OK, so we actually just plain and simple forgot to take pictures. OOPS.

The bacon tasted great, though, and cooked up really well. No lame, shriveled up scraps of meat and not a ton of grease left over after cooking 8 pieces, either. Pretty darn impressive, right?

Verdict: We awarded Oscar Mayer Thick Cut Bacon 4.5 strips (out of 5). What cost them that half a point? We got hungry and ate it… ‘cuz it tasted like bacon!

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