Blakk Frogg Joke Blog

Never did Blakk Frogg ever think he’d find himself saying, “Hmmm… The site of my house burning down sure does make me want some popcorn right about now. Oh wait! I can eat the fire alarm! How convenient!”

And with that thought Blakk Frogg has now confirmed that he apparently does does not fit the description of a redneck. At least not according to THIS picture:

Ever go to a sporting event, concert or just anywhere outdoors and think, “Man oh man do I wish I had something to keep the sun out of my eyes…” and totally forget that you have a HAT on your head?

If so, then you and this moron below have something in common: You’re both doing your part to ruin the gene pool!

With so many people listing to iPods or other devices that make use of headphones it comes as no surprise to Blakk Frogg that a few people need reminders about things they ought not do while enjoying music (or the soundtrack from their favorite porno) through their headphones.

Lesson #1 – Stop screaming, you jackass! You may not have the ability to hear anything, including yourself, over the music but we can hear you just fine!

Lesson #2 – Stop singing along, you moron! You cannot POSSIBLY hear yourself singing when you have the volume cranked up to 100 while using headphones but we surely can!

Lesson #3 – Turn the damn volume down, you deaf bastard! Listening to music that loud destroys your hearing and means next time you’ll need to turn it up even louder! Oh, and by the way: Nobody but YOU enjoys that crap you listen to!

Lesson #4 – Headphones may stop you from hearing your own farts but the rest of us CAN hear them, ya’ no class gas bag!

Headphones Don’t Block Fart Sounds for the Rest Of Us!

Few things in this world can silence Blakk Frogg but every once in a while he gazes upon a sight that takes his breath away and makes him question the very reasoning why he has not already blown his brains out.

These two circus freaks drove Blakk Frogg to that point.

Seriously Just… WHAT THE FU#K?!?!?

Well, of all the places for a fecal accident to take place, the poor fellow who crapped himself at Walmart, bought new pants, changed in the restroom, and discarded his shitty pants in the trash can… could have had a worse day by crapping himself during a tour of an art museum.

On second thought, if he crapped himself and hung the poop-stained drawers on the wall he could call it ‘modern art’ and possibly even sell his masterpiece for a ridiculous amount of money to an unsuspecting collector who adored the fact that he got to meet the artist standing half naked in front of the artwork. “Oh how marvelous! Such conviction!”

Lucky Day, Artistic Masterpiece or Flat Out Low Class?

On that fateful day, Davy Crockett woke up and rose from his bunk on the main floor of the Alamo where 183 men waited to do battle.

He then walked up to the observation post along the west wall of the fort where he joined William B. Travis and Jim Bowie and alongside them gazed out over the top of the wall.

Without flinching these three great men gazed at the horde of over 7,000 Mexicans moving steadily toward them.

With a puzzled look on his face, Crockett turned to Bowie and said, ‘Jim, are we having some landscaping done today?’

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Most guys know the following saying: “Shake it more then twice and you’re playing with it!”

Well, apparently not ALL guys live by that saying… and some of the more disgusting ones flaunt their non-belief in public. Gross!

Shaking It More Than Once, Twice, Three Times — You Nasty Bastard!

Two buddies, George and Terry, are getting very drunk at a bar when suddenly Terry throws up all over himself. “Oh, no. Now Carolyn will kill me!”

George says, “Don’t worry, pal. Just tuck a twenty in your breast pocket and tell Carolyn that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the dry cleaning bill.”

So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker. Eventually, Terry strolls into his home where Carolyn starts to give him a really hard
time.

“You reek of alcohol and you’ve puked all over yourself! My God, you’re disgusting!”

Speaking very carefully and doing his best not to slur, Terry says, “Nowainaminit, I can e’splain everythin! Itsh not wha j! ew think. I only had a cupla drrrinks. But thiss other guy got ssick on me . . . he had one too many and he juss couldin hold hizz liquor. He said he was verrry sorry an’gave me twennie bucks for the cleaning bill!”

Carolyn looks in the breast pocket and says, “But this is forty bucks!”

“Oh, yeah… I almos’ fergot, … he shhhit in my pants, too.”

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A long, long time ago music that sounded ‘really cool’ and ‘trippy’ came from weirdos that knew how to use advanced electronic devices that had a million buttons, half a million dials, some odd-shaped knobs, and a whooooooole lot of keys. We called those devices ‘synthesizers’ and they looked a bit like the following:

THOSE musicians didn’t HAVE no stinkin’ preset beats, purchased drum tracks, commercially available voice overs, etc. They had to actually know what the hell they were doing and make it all up from scratch!

In the beginning God covered the earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, with green, yellow and red vegetables of all kinds so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

Then using God’s bountiful gifts, Satan created Dairy Ice Cream and Magnums.

And Satan said, ‘You want hot fudge with that? And Man said, ‘Yes!’ And Woman said, ‘I’ll have one, too, with chocolate chips’. And lo they gained 10 pounds.

And God created the healthy yogurt that woman might keep the figure that man found so fair.

And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 12 to size 14 with man’s waist shooting from 34 to 42.

So God said, ‘Try my fresh green salad’.

And Satan presented Blue Cheese dressing and garlic croutons on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

God then said ‘I have sent you healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them’.

And Satan brought forth deep fried coconut king prawns, butter-dipped lobster chunks and chicken fried steak, so big it needed its own platter, and Mankind’s cholesterol went through the roof.

Then God brought forth the potato; naturally low in fat and brimming with potassium and good nutrition.

Then Satan peeled off the healthy skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them in animal fats adding copious quantities of salt. And Man put on more pounds.

God then brought forth running shoes so that his Children might lose those extra pounds.

And Satan came forth with a cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering light and started wearing stretch jogging suits, unflattering spandex, and pants with elastic waistbands.

Then God gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite.

And Satan created McDonald’s with its 99 cent double cheeseburger. Then Satan said ‘You want fries with that?’ and Man replied, ‘Yes, and super size ’em’. And Satan said, ‘It is good.’

And Man and Woman went into cardiac arrest.

God sighed ……… and created quadruple by-pass surgery so mankind could save itself from certain doom.

And then ………… Satan chuckled and created Health Insurance Companies and HMO’s.

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