Blakk Frogg Joke Blog

After a long day at the office many people like to order from the local asian restaurant’s take out menu. Fast, easy, tasty, convenient and reliable. Who could ask for more?

Now, for the first time ever, go behind the scenes at an authentic asian restaurant located someplace in (duh) Asia. Learn the secrets behind cooking a high quality dish like ‘Crispy Chicken’.

Secrets of Preparing ‘Crispy Chicken’  (you might vomit!)

Go ahead and get it out of the way by saying, “Blakk Frogg! You shouldn’t post such blasphemous things!”

That way Blakk Frogg can say, “Bite Me! Learn to take a damn joke!”

Now read the joke below:

Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better on the computer. They had been going at it for days, and frankly God was tired of hearing all the bickering.

Finally fed up, God said, “THAT’S IT! I have had enough. I am going to set up a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I will judge who does the better job.”

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.

They “moused”.

They faxed.

They e-mailed.

They e-mailed with attachments.

They downloaded.

They did spreadsheets.

They wrote reports.

They created labels and cards.

They created charts and graphs.

They did some genealogy reports.

They did every job known to man.

Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than hell.

Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the power went off.

Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed.

Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted their computers.

Satan started searching frantically, screaming, “It’s gone! It’s all GONE! I lost everything when the power went out!”

Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours of work.

Satan observed this and became irate. “Wait!” he screamed. “That’s not fair! He cheated! How come he has all his work and I don’t have any?”

God just shrugged and said, “JESUS SAVES.”

Americas Best MySpace Computers Comments

Some days pretty much suck, and others REALLY suck. I mean, like, it’s bad enough to get caught stealing food and killed in the process — but to THEN get taken sexually from behind after death?

That’s just…. wrong. Kharma was DEFINITELY not with you on THAT day.

Sarcastic MySpace Comments

Sarcastic MySpace Comments

Hopefully this little reminder about how bad things COULD get has brought a smile to your face… or at least a little grimace of disgust.

– blakk frogg

Recently Blakk Frogg had his loyal henchmen at SimplyFrogg.Com add a whole lot of new comments to the Simply Frogg MySpace Comments section. As of last count, that site contained easy-to-use HTML code for nearly 900 free MySpace Comment Pictures.

Recent additions include…

Motorcycle for Sale

Simply Frogg and Americas Best
free myspace pics, comments & graphics

Playground Pimps

Simply Frogg and Americas Best
free myspace pics, comments & graphics

You Won’t Believe It’s Not Vaginal Discharge

Simply Frogg and Americas Best
free myspace pics, comments & graphics

Yep. Lots and lots of weird, funny, gross, sexy and sarcastic myspace comments to choose from at Simply Frogg!

Blakk Frogg believes all creatures great and small have ways in which they remind themselves of what constitutes ‘appropriate behavior’. See below for a list of self-help hints stolen from a strung out, crack-addicted French Poodle named Henry:

1. I will not eat the cats’ food before they eat it or after they throw it up.

2. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc., just because I like the way they smell.

3. The Litter Box is not a cookie jar.

4. The sofa is not a ‘face towel’.

5. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.

6. I will not play tug-of-war with Dad’s underwear when he’s on the toilet.

7. Sticking my nose into someone’s crotch is an unacceptable way of saying “hello”.

8. I don’t need to suddenly stand straight up when I’m under the coffee table.

9. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house – not after.

10. I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt.

11. I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch.

12. The cat is not a ‘squeaky toy’ so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it’s usually not a good thing.

Americas Best MySpace Animal Comments

Listed below please find the names and symptoms of a few dangerous computer viruses you should watch out for:

THE GEORGE BUSH — Causes your computer to think it won the election, even though the mother-board and father-board bought it.

THE AL GORE — Causes your computer to just keep counting.

Americas Best MySpace Computers Comments

THE CLINTON — Gives you a 7-Inch Hard Drive with NO memory.

THE BOB DOLE (AKA: VIAGRA) — Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.

Americas Best MySpace Computers Comments

THE LEWINSKY — Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then emails everyone about what it did.

THE RONALD REAGAN — Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored.

Americas Best MySpace Computers Comments

THE MIKE TYSON — Quits after two bytes.

THE OPRAH WINFREY — Your 300 mb hard drive shrinks to 100 mb, then slowly expands to re-stabilize around 200mb.

Americas Best MySpace Computers Comments

THE JACK KEVORKIAN — Deletes all old files.

THE PROZAC — Totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn’t care.

Americas Best MySpace Computers Comments

THE JESSE JACKSON — Warns you constantly about illegitimate file reproduction, while illegitimately reproducing files in the background.

THE JOEY BUTTAFUOCO — Only attacks minor files.

Americas Best MySpace Computers Comments

THE ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER — Terminates some files, leaves, but will be back.

THE LORENA BOBBITT — Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy, then discards it through Windows.

Americas Best MySpace Computers Comments

Two gay guys take a walk through a zoo.

They come across the gorilla and notice that the male gorilla has a massive erection. The gay men are fascinated by this.

One of the men just can’t bear it any longer and he reaches into the cage to touch it.

The gorilla grabs him, drags him into the cage and mates with him for six hours, non-stop, while the zoo attendants helplessly stand by…. When he’s done, the gorilla throws the man out of the cage.

An ambulance is called and the man is taken away to the hospital.

A few days later, his friend visits him in the hospital and asks, “Are you hurt?”

“AM I HURT?” he shouts, “Wouldn’t you be? He hasn’t called…. He hasn’t written….”

Americas Best MySpace Comments

An honest man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman hit the roof, and the horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer.

The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, finger printed, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, I’m very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the Choose Life license plate holder, the What Would Jesus Do? bumper sticker, the Follow Me to Sunday-School bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk.

Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car.

Americas Best MySpace Comments

note: According to rumor, this piece came from a 98-year old woman and got submitted to the New York Times by the bank manager who received it. Blakk Frogg does not always believe rumors, but hey… deal with it.

Dear Sir:

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three “nanoseconds” must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years.

You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become. From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan payments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.

Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to complete.

I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets, and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.

In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press buttons as follows:

1. — To make an appointment to see me.
2. — To query a missing payment.
3. — To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
4. — To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5. — To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
6. — To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
7. — To leave a message on my computer. (A password to access my computer is required. A password will be communicated to you at a later date, to the Authorized Contact.)
8. — To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.
9. — To make a general complaint or inquiry. At this point the contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.

While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New Year. Your Humble Client.

Americas Best MySpace Comments

Just when Blakk Frogg thought he had seen it all, out comes something else to make him ask, “What the Fuck… and WHY?” once more. Introducing, for your entertainment in the bathroom, the Fish and Flush Combination Toilet-Aquarium. What better way to amuse yourself, while relieving your bladder, than to get into a staring contest with a fish, right? This applies, of course, only to women who straddle the toilet seat backwards while urinating and men who actually AIM when they drain they pee.

(not recommended for guys w/ a complex about their weiner size)

OK, since Blakk Frogg tends to have an overly active imagination, just picture, if you will, the embarrassment a guy would suffer if he unzipped, whipped it out, and all the fish started “laughing” at his manhood. Little bubbles of air popping from their puckered mouthes as the guy struggles hard to squeeze the last remaining drops out of his inadequate drainage tool. Fins flapping around wildly causing them to bang into the glass and careen off the rocks as the unthinkable happens…. The guy, in such a hurry to leave this clearly uncomfortable situation, makes a bad, bad timing error and ZZZZIIIIIP. OUCH! Yep. For those who saw Something About Mary, this will make total sense: “FRANKS AND BEANS! FRANKS AND BEANS!”

At this point all the fish suffer massive cardiacs from excessive laughter and begin to float belly up. But wait, it gets worse. The owner of the house barges into the bathroom because he heard the other guy screaming bloody murder. Getting one’s meat stick clipped by a zipper brings out the opera singer in any man. After assessing his friend’s condition, and laughing, he turns his attention to the toilet (fish tank) and notices that all of his fish have died. At that point he screams, “You bastard! I hate you! My mom gave me those fish! Get out of my house!”

OK, Blakk Frogg has had enough fun with this topic. Hope all of you have enjoyed this literary distraction and for all you guys out there, remember to (fully) unwhip before you zip… especially if you notice fish staring at you.