Blakk Frogg Joke Blog

Someday Blakk Frogg will find himself sitting across the table from his beloved wife, if he ever gets one, and have this exact same conversation. Scary, but true.

An elderly couple was sitting at the kitchen table on the morning of their 50th Wedding Anniversary.

“You know,” she said, “we were probably sitting in the kitchen across from each other 50 years ago.”

“Yeah,” he said, “but we were probably naked.”

“So let’s get naked now,” she suggested.

So they both took off all their clothes and sat across from each other.

“You know,” she said smiling lovingly, “my breasts feel just as hot for you today as they were 50 years ago.”

He replied, “I’m sure they are – one is in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal.”

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A recent study determined that many women do not take life seriously, and as a result, fail to dress appropriately for important job-related events such as interviews, their first day on the job, business meetings with clients, etc.

As a result, they do not get hired, make a bad impression on their first day of work, and/or do not land the ‘big account’.

As a courtesy to the women who feel they may need guidance in how to dress for important job-related events, the Department of Labor has put together a highly detailed illustration of what it considers ‘appropriate dress attire for successful women’.

See below:

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According to the Department of Labor, they sent this woman out on 43 job interviews and she got hired all 43 times w/o even showing her resume.

See? Proper attire DOES make a difference.

Dear Husband:

I’m writing you this letter to tell you that I’m leaving you for good.

I’ve been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it.

These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn’t notice that I had gotten my hair and nails done, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new negligee. You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching the game.

You don’t tell me you love me anymore, you don’t touch me or anything. Either you’re cheating or you don’t love me anymore, whatever the case is, I’m gone.

P.S. If you’re trying to find me, don’t. Your BROTHER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!

Signed Your Ex-Wife

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And Now The Husband’s Response

Dear Ex-Wife:

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It’s true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you’ve been. I watch sports so much to try to drown out your constant nagging. Too bad that doesn’t work. I did notice when you cut off all of your hair last week, the first thing that came to mind was “You look just like a man!” My mother raised me to not say anything if you can’t say anything nice.

When you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. I went to sleep on you when you had on that new negligee because the price tag was still on it. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your negligee was $49.99.

After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have the filling life you always wanted. My lawyer said with your letter that you wrote, you won’t get a dime from me. So take care.

P.S. I don’t know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother was born Carla. I hope that’s not a problem.

Signed Rich and Free!

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Blakk Frogg has always found great amusement in watching people inverting their bodies over a keg while their friends held the business end of a tap (the hose for all you rookies out there) in their mouth… with the idea in their head that the longer they stay inverted and drinking, the more people will respect and admire them.

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OK, well that worked at frat parties, house parties and even at a variety of other types of parties that Blakk Frogg has had the pleasure of attending. But NOW he thinks he has found the Ultimate Time for a Keg Stand!

No, not after a mid-term. No, not after graduating college. No, not after winning the lottery and finding out you also inherited all of Microsoft, either.

Think of it this way: Nothing screams, “I’m so happy to be getting hitched!” more than doing a keg stand at your own wedding… in your wedding dress!

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Now no one’s saying that sort of behavior is wrong, but it certainly is a bit unusual… Bottoms Up!

January

Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February

Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels. Helllloooo!!! Bottles won’t fit in typewriter!

March

Got really excited….. finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months…. box said “2-4 years!”

April

Trapped on an escalator for hours….. power went out!

May

Tried to make Kool-Aid….. wrong instructions…. 8 cups of water won’t fit into those little packets!

June

Tried to go water skiing….. couldn’t find a lake with a slope.

July

Lost breast stroke swimming competition….. learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!

August

Got locked out of my car in rainstorm….. car swamped because soft-top was open.

September

The capital of California is “C”….. isn’t it?

November

Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days….. instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108 lbs!

December

Couldn’t call 911….. “duh”….. there’s no “eleven” button on the stupid phone!

What a year!

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A Greek and Italian were sitting in a Starbucks’ one day discussing who had the superior culture.

Over triple lattes, the Greek guy says, “Well, we have the Parthenon.”

Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replies, “We have the Coliseum.”

The Greek retorts, “We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics.”

The Italian, nodding agreement, says, “But we built the Roman Empire.”

And so on and so on, until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion… With a flourish of finality he says, “We invented sex!”

The Italian replies, “That is true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women.”

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“I miss you! I really miss you! & I tried to visit you, but the dumb ass security guard wouldn’t let me in the zoo!”

“Pussy is like a peach. It’s fat, full of juice, & if you go in deep enough, you’ll get a nut.”

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“After great sex, she lies there playing with his penis. He asks, “Do you want more?” “No,” she says, “just admiring your penis. I miss mine.”

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“How does a vagina look before sex? Like a lovely pink rose. How does a vagina look after sex? Ever seen a bulldog eating mayonnaise.”

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“SPECIAL REPORT: The police are arresting hoochies w/ good coochies. Run bitch run!! They already got me!” (I’ve also heard this one the other way around… “You don’t have to worry, but come bail me out.”)

“Li’l red riding hood met the big bad wolf at the club. He took her home & asked, “Can I stick it in?” She said, “No, Just stick to the story & eat me!”

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“Mr Penis said to the balls, “Get ready we’re going to a party.” His balls said, “Fuckin’ liar! You always go inside & leave us outside knockin’, bitch!”

“Women have unique magic tricks. They get wet w/o water, bleed w/o injury, and make boneless things hard.”

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“How do you feel abt oral sex? Does it go both ways? If so, then sitting on my face is a good idea. I’d like to invite you over for a formal sitting.”

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“3 of my hoes escaped last night. I found 1 @ a strip club, 1 on a corner, but where the fuck are you?!”

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“Snow White was fired from Disney World today. She was caught sitting on Pinochio’s face screaming, “Lie mother fucker, lie!”

So it has been a few days that Adam has been in existence. Wondering what is missing in his life, when he comes face to face with God.

God asks him, “My son, are you happy?” and Adam replies, “yes, it is beautiful here, the mountains are lovely, the sparkling water is gorgeous, the animals are all in harmony- and yet, I feel as though something is missing. I don’t know….it is like all the animals are in pairs, but I have no one. It is just me and nature. It would be nice to have a companion of some sort, you know.”

God says,’” Well, I think that I know the solution to your emptiness. I will create someone for you. She is to be your soul mate, and compliment you in every way imaginable. You will never argue, never tire of her, she will always be loyal, understanding, with the ability to read your mind and your desires. She will fulfill you 100%, everyday, for the rest of your days on this Earth.”

“Wow”, exclaims Adam, “that is unbelievable. Yes absolutely, I am positive that this creature will totally complete me. When will I get to meet her?”

“No… not so fast,” God says,” a creature this perfect is not for free, it will cost you quite a bit.”

Adam replies “Really, how much would you say?”

Rubbing his chin, God answers, “Let’s see, it will cost you an arm and a leg”

Adam remains pensive for a moment, to which he then responds, “Hmmmm… that is a lot to pay. What can I get for a rib?”

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Bob and his lovely blonde wife live in Wisconsin. One winter morning while listening to the radio, they hear the announcer say, “We are going to have 4-6 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through” Bob’s wife goes out and moves her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, “We are expecting 6-8 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through.” Bob’s wife goes out and moves her car again.

The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says “We are expecting 8-10 inches of snow today. You must park………..” then the electric power goes out. Bob’s wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says, “Honey, I don’t know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the plow can get through?”

With the love and understanding in his voice like all men who are married to blondes exhibit, Bob says, “Honey why don’t you just leave it in the garage this time?”

A guy is out with buddies – has few drinks – is feeling a little frisky but, true to his wife, goes home.

He finds her sound asleep in bed with her mouth wide open, so he gets two aspirin and drops them in her mouth. She starts to choke, but recovers and asks, “What did you put in my mouth?”

He says, “Two aspirin.”

She replies, “BUT I DON’T HAVE A HEADACHE!”

He says, – “That’s all I wanted to hear.”

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Note: Posting that last joke has resulted in Blakk Frogg going into hiding because women worldwide now want him dead. d-e-a-d.