Blakk Frogg Joke Blog

A pirate walks into a bar and orders a drink.

The bartender looks down and says, “You know that you have a steering wheel in your pants.”

The pirate replies “Ay, and it’s drivin’ me nuts.”

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Two old ladies are walking through a museum and got separated. When they ran into each other later the first old lady said to the second, “Oh My! Did you see that statue of the naked man back there?”

The second old lady replied, “Yes! I was absolutely shocked! How can they display such a thing! My gosh the penis on it was so large!”

Where upon the first old lady accidentally blurted out, “…Yeah, and cold, too!”

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Blakk Frogg wonders about a lot of things and today he decided to ask the following questions: “What Makes 100% and what does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?”

We have all had days where some moron from uper management announced in a meeting that he or she ‘needed every single one of us to give over 100%’.

So, then…. How about achieving 103%? Would that satisfy them? Hmmm…. What exactly DOES make up 100% in life and how exactly WOULD a person achieve MORE than that?

Thanks to the power of the Internet, Blakk Frogg discovered a mathematical formula that helps to answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%.

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%,

And

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%,

Now for the clincher: Look how far ass kissing will get you:

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118% !

Using the above computations as a basis for a conclusion, it seems a mathematical certainty that Hard Work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there…. it’s all the Bullshit and Ass Kissing a person will have to do that will put them over the top.

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A man went to the dental surgeon to have a tooth pulled.

The dentist pulled out a freezing needle to numb the area. “No way! No needles! I hate needles!” the patient shouted.

The dentist started to hook up the laughing gas and the man again objected. “I can’t do the gas thing! The thought of having a gas mask on is suffocating to me!”

The dentist then asked if the man had any objection to taking a pill. “No,” the patient said, “I am fine with pills.”

The dentist said, “Here is a Viagra tablet.”

The patient replied: “Wow! I didn’t know Viagra works as a pain pill!”

“It doesn’t,” said the dentist, “but it will give you something to hold onto when I pull out your tooth.”

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Once upon a time there were three little pigs. The straw pig, the stick pig and the brick pig.

One day this nasty old wolf came up to the straw pig’s house and said, “I’m gonna huff and puff and blow your house down.” And he did !!!

So the straw pig went running over to the stick pig’s house and said, “Please let me in, the wolf just blew down my house.” So the stick Pig let the straw pig in. Just then the wolf showed up and said, “I’m gonna huff and puff and blow your house down.” And he did !!!

So the straw pig and the stick pig went running over to the brick pig’s house and said, “Let us in, let us in, the big bad wolf just blew our houses down!” So the brick pig let them in just as the wolf showed up. The wolf said, “I’m gonna huff and puff and blow your house down.” The straw pig and the stick pig were so scared! But the brick pig picked up the phone and made a call.

A few minutes passed and a big, black Caddy pulls up. Out step two massive pigs in pin striped suits and fedora hats. These pigs come over to the wolf, grab him by the neck and beat the living shit out of him, then one of them pulled out a gun, stuck it in his mouth and fired, killing the wolf, then they tied cement blocks around his feet threw his sorry ass into the creek then they got back into their Caddy and drove off.

The straw pig and stick pig were amazed!!! “Who the hell were those guys?” they asked.

“Those were my cousins… the Guinea Pigs.

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As you may already know, it is a sin for a Muslim male to see any woman other than his wife naked, and he must commit suicide if he does….

So next Saturday at 3 PM, Eastern Standard Time, all American women are asked to walk out of their house completely naked to help weed out any neighborhood terrorists. Circling your block for one hour is recommended for this anti-terrorist effort.

All men are to position themselves in lawn chairs in front of their house to prove they are not Muslims, and to demonstrate they think it’s okay to see nude women other than their wife, and to show support for all American women.

Also, since Islam also does not approve of alcohol, a cold 6-pack at your side will show further proof of your anti-Muslim terrorist sentiment.

The American government appreciates your efforts to root out terrorists and applauds your participation in this anti-terrorist activity. God bless America.

It is your patriotic duty to pass this on.

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Jose and Carlos are panhandling (begging) on the street. Jose drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage free house and has a lot of money to spend.

Carlos only brings in 2 to 3 dollars a day. Carlos asks Jose how he can bring home a suitcase full of $10 bills every day.

Jose says, “Look at your sign. It says: I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support.”

Carlos looks at Jose’s sign. It reads, “I only need another $10.00 to move back to Mexico.”

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A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn’t have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, “Jeesh. I wonder what happened to this Parrot?”

The parrot says, “I was born this way. I’m a defective parrot.”

“Holy shit,” the guy replies. “You actually understood and answered me!”

“I got every word,” says the parrot.? I happen to be a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird.”

“Oh yeah?”, the guy asks, “Then answer this — how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?”

“Well,” the parrot says, “this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my willie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can’t see it because of my feathers.”

“Wow” says the guy, “you really can understand and speak English, can’t you!?”

“Actually, I speak both Spanish and English and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I’m especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I’d be a great companion.”

The guy looks at the $200 price tag.? Sorry, but I just can’t afford that.”

“Pssssssst” says the parrot, “I’m defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause I don’t have any feet. You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer!”

The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humour, he’s interesting, he’s a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he’s insightful.

The guy is delighted. One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes “Psssssssssssst” and motions him over with one wing. “I don’t know if I should tell you this or not, but it’s about your wife and the postman.”

“What are you talking about?” asks the guy.

“When the postman delivered today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie and kissed him passionately.”

“WHAT???” the guy asks incredulously. “THEN what happened?”

“Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over” reported the parrot.

“My God!” he exclaims. “Then what?”

“Then he lifted up the nightie, got down on his knees and began to lick her all over, starting with her breasts and slowly going down…”

“WELL???” demands the frantic guy, “THEN WHAT HAPPENED?”

“Damned if I know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch.”

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The Washington Post had a contest, in which respondents had to write a two-line romantic poem…except that the last line had to be as unromantic…. as the first line was romantic.

1. My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife,
Marrying you screwed up my life.

2. I see your face when I am dreaming.
That’s why I always wake up screaming.

3. Kind, intelligent, loving and hot,
This describes everything you are not.

4. Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,
But I only slept with you because I was p*ssed.

5. I thought that I could love no other,
That is, until I met your brother.

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6. Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you,
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl’s empty and so is your head.

7. I want to feel your sweet embrace,
But don’t take that paper bag off your face.

8. I love your smile, your face, and your eyes.
Damn, I’m good at telling lies!

9. My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?

10. My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe “Go to hell.”

11. What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime

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Some of you asked me recently for some advice when it comes to preparing your home for in impending visit from the In Laws. After a bit of research, I developed a foolproof plan that will pretty much guarantee their discomfort:

Stock the guest bathroom with the following toilet paper…

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Or, for even more fun and amusement, you can leave them with just enough to…. not get the job done!

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