Blakk Frogg Joke Blog

This came to us while talking about the consumption of meat with a friend that eats very little meat, but does enjoy some bacon every once in a while… otherwise she couldn’t hang out w/ us anymore. Ha ha.

The depth and significance of what you will soon read may shake the very foundation of your diet… FOREVER… so don’t say no one warned you.

Meat = Meal

If you simply cross the ” l “.

Yes… Meat as a meal now makes even more sense than ever, right? We thought it would.

Image Sent by a Fellow Bacon Lover. Solidarity in Meat!

If we could live on bacon alone, we certainly would… but that would mean giving up beer, so maybe not having the ability to live solely on the greasy goodness of bacon has merits.

Very FEW merits, but merits none-the-less. Perhaps only one.

A while back we found ourselves faced with an upcoming weekend… for which we thanked the Sun, Moon, Stars and, of course, the Bacon Gods. In preparation for the joyous event we stocked up on all the necessities:

• Beer
• Tequila
• Vodka
• More Beer
• Margarita Mix
• More Tequila
• Bacon
• Eggs
• More Bacon
• … and a Fire Extinguisher

If you have to ask WHY we would need a fire extinguisher, you have OBVIOUSLY never attended one of our famous outdoor gatherings around the bonfire… the bonfire that lights up the light sky and resembles an atomic explosion to neighbors 50 miles away.

Granted we usually keep a garden hose handy for these events, but sometimes drunk people like to get a little too close to the fire and experience has taught us that chasing a flaming drunk around with a garden hose doesn’t always work out as planned. A fire extinguisher comes as a convenient, self-contained unit with no long tail attached to the house which can and WILL knock damn near EVERYthing in the backyard over as you chase down a flaming, drunken retard you call your best friend on any other day.

Yep. We really should have taken pictures from that weekend. On second thought, stuff like that can end up in a Court of Law. Never mind. We’ll stick with the few, fuzzy, and severely alcohol diluted memories we can remember.

Less jail time that way.

If ya’ think about the term ‘combo platter’, ya’ probably get visions of Chinese takeout dancing through that tiny little brain of yours… well stop it right now! We will NOT tolerate such tomfoolery around here!

OK, we’ll tolerate it, but you have to give us an eggroll.

Getting back to the point of today’s bacon blog, we wanted to create our own combo platter using similar meats, but with a twist… we wanted to wrap them in bacon!

Chicken, Shrimp & Bacon Combo Platter?

And so now we say, “HA!” to General Tso and his friends Sesame Chicken, Mu Shu Pork, and Fried Rice! Then we curse at them in Mandarin and dump diet soy sauce on their doorsteps!

A while back David Spade and Chris Farley (RIP) starred in a comedy called Black Sheep and at one point in the movie Chris put on David’s suit jacket or blazer –which CLEARLY did NOT fit him — and pranced around the room chanting, “Big man, little coat… Big man, little coat” and then the coat ripped. Ha ha. Too funny. Guess you had to have seen the movie, though.

At any rate, we got some black pepper bacon from the store the other day and noticed that each strip had either taken Viagra or the butcher shop cut them extra large and long. Either way, we just HAD to try fitting as much of our meat in the… pan as possible.

Don’t sit there and act like you wouldn’t do the same thing, dang it! ‘Cuz you know you would try to fit as much of your meat in as you could!

Big Bacon, Little Pan! Big Bacon, Little Pan!

Do we ever get tired of bacon and chicken? Never! To even ASK such thing equals bacon blasphemy and we don’t STAND for that kind of talk ’round these parts!

“All praise be to bacon. You are salty. You are meaty. We love you, Bacon! Amen.”

Getting back to the point of this blog entry, we snagged some chicken tenderloins on sale at the local grocery store and instantly knew what to do with them: Wrap Them in Bacon.

Bacon Wrapped Chicken Tenderloins

Please note that we do NOT normally splurge on chicken tenderloins. Ordinarily we find the pricing of that food item as ridiculous and absurd as gasoline prices a few years ago. The idea of spending $4.99 per pound (or more) for little strips of chicken offends us because money wasted on overpriced chicken could have gotten used to buy an extra pack of Center Cut Bacon, more beer, or BOTH.

Right before we shoved these puppies under the broiler we had the idea of battering them up and deep frying them… but that idea went nowhere. We don’t own a deep fryer and the idea of all that hot grease landing on one of us ‘cuz we drunkenly bumped into while trying to explain why goats and sheep sound so much alike did not sound all that entertaining.

My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.

As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that “Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he’ll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super.”

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn’t moved a muscle.

“Perhaps you didn’t hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground.”

She calmly turned her head and said, “In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one.”

To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, “Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I’m called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up, Bitch.”

Americas Best MySpace Girls Comments

In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth and populated the Earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

Then using God’s great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry’s Ice Cream and Krispy Creme Donuts. And Satan said, “You want chocolate with that?”

And Man said, “Yes!” and Woman said, “and as long as you’re at it, add some sprinkles.”
And they gained 10 pounds.
And Satan smiled.

And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair.
And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane and combined them.
And Woman went from size 6 to size 14.

So God said, “Try my fresh green salad.” And Satan presented Thousand-Island Dressing, buttery croutons and garlic toast on the side.
And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

God then said, “I have sent you heart healthy vegetables, and olive oil in which to cook them.”
And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter.
And Man gained more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof.

God then created a light, fluffy white cake, named it “Angel Food Cake,” and said, “It is good.”
Satan then created chocolate cake and named it “Devil’s Food.”

God then brought forth running shoes so that His children might lose those extra pounds.
And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels.
And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering blue light and gained pounds.

Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.
And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them.
And Man gained pounds.

God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite.
And Satan created McDonald’s and its 99-cent double cheeseburger. Then said, “You want fries with that?”
And Man replied, “Yes! And super size them!”
And Satan said, “It is good.”
And Man went into cardiac arrest.

God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

Then Satan created HMOs.

On this particular evening we found ourselves mildly buzzed from a day of drinking copious amounts of tequila colored lightly w/ margarita mix… and in possession of shrimp and bacon. What to do, what to do…

Then the idea struck us: Get out a big knife and drunkenly cut up some bacon into garnish-like strips and wrap each shrimp! BRILLIANT!

Bacon Garnished Shrimp — On the Burner?!? Ha ha!

Needless to say, the combination of ‘large knife, greasy bacon and drunken fingers’ entertained us for quite a while. No one went to the hospital, surprisingly, and not one piece of bacon OR shrimp fell on the floor during the preparation process.

Pretty much all of US, though, DID fall on the floor at some point after we enjoyed our lovely little bacony seafood morsels.

Tequila… it reminds you that gravity works, and works WELL.

So little Johnny walks in on his parents…. Johnny is shocked, Mom is appalled and Dad’s just giggling a little bit figuring Johnny had to learn about it somehow or other.

The next day Dad comes home from work and walks in on Johnny doing Grandma. The Dad ask, “What the hell is going on here?”

Johnny responds, “It’s not so funny when it’s your Mom, huh?”

Americas Best MySpace Random Comments

While nursing a drink at a bar, a young woman was distressed to see a drunken, unkempt man sit down next to her.

He turned to her with a sleazy, sly grin on his face and said, “Say, honey. . . I’d really like to get into those pants o’ yours.”

“Thanks,” she shot back without flinching, “but I’ve already got an asshole in there.”

Americas Best MySpace Toilet Comments