Blakk Frogg Joke Blog

On that fateful day, Davy Crockett woke up and rose from his bunk on the main floor of the Alamo where 183 men waited to do battle.

He then walked up to the observation post along the west wall of the fort where he joined William B. Travis and Jim Bowie and alongside them gazed out over the top of the wall.

Without flinching these three great men gazed at the horde of over 7,000 Mexicans moving steadily toward them.

With a puzzled look on his face, Crockett turned to Bowie and said, ‘Jim, are we having some landscaping done today?’

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Most guys know the following saying: “Shake it more then twice and you’re playing with it!”

Well, apparently not ALL guys live by that saying… and some of the more disgusting ones flaunt their non-belief in public. Gross!

Shaking It More Than Once, Twice, Three Times — You Nasty Bastard!

Two buddies, George and Terry, are getting very drunk at a bar when suddenly Terry throws up all over himself. “Oh, no. Now Carolyn will kill me!”

George says, “Don’t worry, pal. Just tuck a twenty in your breast pocket and tell Carolyn that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the dry cleaning bill.”

So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker. Eventually, Terry strolls into his home where Carolyn starts to give him a really hard
time.

“You reek of alcohol and you’ve puked all over yourself! My God, you’re disgusting!”

Speaking very carefully and doing his best not to slur, Terry says, “Nowainaminit, I can e’splain everythin! Itsh not wha j! ew think. I only had a cupla drrrinks. But thiss other guy got ssick on me . . . he had one too many and he juss couldin hold hizz liquor. He said he was verrry sorry an’gave me twennie bucks for the cleaning bill!”

Carolyn looks in the breast pocket and says, “But this is forty bucks!”

“Oh, yeah… I almos’ fergot, … he shhhit in my pants, too.”

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A long, long time ago music that sounded ‘really cool’ and ‘trippy’ came from weirdos that knew how to use advanced electronic devices that had a million buttons, half a million dials, some odd-shaped knobs, and a whooooooole lot of keys. We called those devices ‘synthesizers’ and they looked a bit like the following:

THOSE musicians didn’t HAVE no stinkin’ preset beats, purchased drum tracks, commercially available voice overs, etc. They had to actually know what the hell they were doing and make it all up from scratch!

In the beginning God covered the earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, with green, yellow and red vegetables of all kinds so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

Then using God’s bountiful gifts, Satan created Dairy Ice Cream and Magnums.

And Satan said, ‘You want hot fudge with that? And Man said, ‘Yes!’ And Woman said, ‘I’ll have one, too, with chocolate chips’. And lo they gained 10 pounds.

And God created the healthy yogurt that woman might keep the figure that man found so fair.

And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 12 to size 14 with man’s waist shooting from 34 to 42.

So God said, ‘Try my fresh green salad’.

And Satan presented Blue Cheese dressing and garlic croutons on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

God then said ‘I have sent you healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them’.

And Satan brought forth deep fried coconut king prawns, butter-dipped lobster chunks and chicken fried steak, so big it needed its own platter, and Mankind’s cholesterol went through the roof.

Then God brought forth the potato; naturally low in fat and brimming with potassium and good nutrition.

Then Satan peeled off the healthy skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them in animal fats adding copious quantities of salt. And Man put on more pounds.

God then brought forth running shoes so that his Children might lose those extra pounds.

And Satan came forth with a cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering light and started wearing stretch jogging suits, unflattering spandex, and pants with elastic waistbands.

Then God gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite.

And Satan created McDonald’s with its 99 cent double cheeseburger. Then Satan said ‘You want fries with that?’ and Man replied, ‘Yes, and super size ’em’. And Satan said, ‘It is good.’

And Man and Woman went into cardiac arrest.

God sighed ……… and created quadruple by-pass surgery so mankind could save itself from certain doom.

And then ………… Satan chuckled and created Health Insurance Companies and HMO’s.

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For all those nasty, stinky, smelly, foul, wretched, level 5 hazmat emergency diaper loads of shit & piss you blessed you parents with as a baby… your parents will return to you when they get older and develop advanced alzheimers.

For anyone confused about what makes the mind of woman different from the mind of a man, well, the following comparison should clear up any confusion:

From the mind of a woman came…

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who’s not a creep,

One who’s handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,

One who thinks before he speaks,
One who’ll call, not wait for weeks.

I pray he’s gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won’t be annoyed.

Pulls out my chair and opens my door.
Massages my back and begs to do more.

Oh! Send me a man who’ll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to ‘how big is my behind?’

I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.

From the mind of a man came…

I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac,
With huge boobs,
Who owns a bar on a golf course,

And loves to send me fishing,
And drinking.

This doesn’t rhyme,
And I don’t give a shit.

Whoever said getting older means losing all your opportunities to act irresponsible (aka: immature) needs to have their head examined… with a baseball bat. Getting older does NOT mean a person has to give up the right to act like an immature, childish prankster!

Growing Up is Highly Overrated!

Although Blakk Frogg has no desire to look like a trendy jackass, many guys in this world do… so Blakk Frogg would like to give you a helpful hint if you want to look fashionable, trendy, sexy and (rico) suave: “Act like you just shit your pants.”

Fake Motivational Poster: Just Crapped My Pants

Larry gets home late one night and his wife, Linda, says, “Where in the hell have you been?” Larry replies, “I was out getting a tattoo.”

“A tattoo?” she frowned. “What kind of tattoo did you get?” “I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates!” he said proudly.

“What the hell were you thinking?” she said, shaking her head in disdain. “Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his privates?”

“Well, one, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a while I like to play with my money. Three, I like how money feels in my hand. And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want.”

Larry is recovering in room 232 at Mercy Hospital.

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