Blakk Frogg Joke Blog

A Montana cowboy was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.

The driver, a young man in an Armani suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, “If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?”

The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, “Sure, Why not?”

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, “You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.”

“That’s right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,” says the cowboy.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then the cowboy says to the young man, “Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give back my calf?”

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, “Okay, why not?”

You’re a Congressman for the U.S. Government,” says the cowboy. “Wow! That’s correct,” says the yuppie. “But how did you guess that?”

“No guessing required,” answered the cowboy. “You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don’t know a thing about cows… this is a herd of sheep…… Now give me back my dog.”

Americas Best MySpace Animal Comments

OK, folks… If any of you morons out there in Internetland actually TRY any of the things on this list, you MORE than deserve the awful beatings and subsequent legal problems you will undoubtedly receive.

1. When you get pulled over, say “What’s wrong, ossifer, there’s no blood in my alcohol?”

2. When he asks why you were speeding, tell him you wanted to race.

3. When he talks to you, pretend you are deaf.

4. If he asks if you knew how fast you were going, say no, my speedometer only goes to…

5. Ask if you can see his gun.

6. When he says you aren’t allowed, tell him I just wanted to see if mine was bigger.

7. Touch him.

8. When he asks why you were speeding, tell him you had to buy a hat.

9. Ask him where he bought his cool hat.

Visit Americas-Best.Com MySpace Comments Blog for…
Funny/Sexy/Sarcastic/Stupid MySpace Comments

10. Refer to him by his first name.

11. Pretend you are gay and ask him out.

12. When he says no, cry.

13. If he says yes, accuse him of sexual harassment.

14. If the cop is a woman, tell her how ugly she is, but in a nice way.

15. If he asks you to step out of the car, automatically throw yourself on the hood.

16. When he asks you to spread them, tell him you don’t go that way.

17. When he puts the handcuffs on, say “Usually my dates buy me dinner first”

18. Ask to be fingerprinted with candy, cause you don’t like ink on your fingers.

19. After you sign the ticket and give it to him, say “Oops! That’s the wrong name.”

20. Bribe him with donuts, and when he agrees, tell him sorry, I just ate the last one.

21. When he comes up to the car, say “License and registration, please” right when he says it.

Visit Americas-Best.Com MySpace Comments Blog for…
Funny/Sexy/Sarcastic/Stupid MySpace Comments

22. When he goes to read you your rights, sing “La La La, I can’t hear you!”

23. Trip and fall into him.

24. Accuse him of police brutality when he pushes you away.

25. Before you sign the ticket, pick your nose. You have to sign with his pen.

26. Chew on the pen, nervously.

27. Clean your ear with the pen.

28. If it’s a click pen, take it apart and play with the spring.

29. Ask if he has a daughter. If he says yes, say I thought the name sounded familiar.

30. Ask him if he ever worked in a prison. If he says yes, ask him how the plumbing was.

Visit Americas-Best.Com MySpace Comments Blog for…
Funny/Sexy/Sarcastic/Stupid MySpace Comments

31. Act like you are retarded.

32. When he’s telling you what you did wrong, start repeating him, quietly.

33. Mumble to yourself.

34. When he tells you to stop, say what are you talkin about, DUDE?

35. Drive to Dunkin Donuts and say hmmm….only 5 of you here tonight…….

36. Ask if they know how to make the donuts.

37. When he comes to the car, say I have a badge just like yours!

38. Ask if he watches Cops.

39. Ask if ever watched Cop Rock.

40. Giggle if he did.

41. Talk to your hand.

42. Ask if he knows someone named Rosy Palm and her Five Favorite Friends.

43. Accuse him of Sexual Harassment if he does.

Visit Americas-Best.Com for…
Funny/Sexy/Sarcastic/Stupid MySpace Comments

44. When he frisks you, say You missed a spot, and grin.

45. When he asks to inspect your car, say there is no alcohol in my car, sir, the last cop got it.

46. Try to sell him your car.

47. Ask if you can buy his car.

48. If he takes you to the station, ask to sit in front.

49. Play with the siren.

50. If you know him, say you had his wife for dinner.

51. If you don’t know him, ask if you can have his wife for dinner. Oops…I meant OVER for dinner

52. Ask if he ever had pu-tang er.

53. If he asks what it is, point at him and giggle.

54. If there is someone else in the car, talk to each other in tongues.

55. When he acts confused, keep talking, look at him and laugh.

56. When you are in the back, touch his neck through the fencing.

57. Turn your head and whistle.

58. When he pulls out his night stick, say what you gonna do with that.

59. If you are female, say I don’t do that on the first date.

60. If he sticks you in the back of the car, cower in the corner, suck your thumb, and whine.

61. Stare at his lights and say “Look at the pretty colors!”

62. Tell him you like men in uniform.

63. Ask if you can borrow his uniform for a Halloween party.

As we get older thoughts about our past ex-lovers almost always cross our minds and sometimes we find ourselves staring in the mirror at ourselves and asking, “Seriously? Why in the HELL did I ever date THAT bitch/bastard?!?!?”

Then, like a bolt of lightning up our ass, we realize just how wasted we got for every waking moment of the relationship. Beer after beer, shot after shot, and ‘questionable substance’ after ‘questionable substance’.

Without a doubt we could have avoided those unsavory tramps and assholes if we had used our brains… relied on common sense… laid off the hooch… put down the fifth… didn’t inhale… and more or less ‘just said NO!’

It never ceases to amaze Blakk Frogg that people so willingly put their personal business all over the Internet in messages… and not really knowing who or if the messages can get intercepted by others intentionally or accidentally.

In this case a woman wanted to ‘thank a recent lover’ for a truly outstanding sexual encounter and tell him that he more or less had an open invitation to come back and mount her again any time he wanted. Too bad she posted the message on her wall and not in a private message or email.

On second thought, it’s AWESOME that she screwed up by announcing to the world that she screwed him!

The tradition of the Birthday Boy of Girl making a wish while blowing out the candles has always bothered Blakk Frogg… because while the person blew out the candles he found himself making a wish at the same time.

Blakk Frogg wished (and hoped) the person didn’t tuberculosis or some other health-related issue communicable through saliva.

“What piece of cake would you like?” asked the Birthday Boy/Girl. “One with the least amount of spittle on it, please,” replied Blakk Frogg.

Getting to the point of this posting, though, when making a wish over birthday candles like the wife in the picture below, be careful what you wish for!

Pop Quiz: Who remembers the Wishmaster series of movies?

Never did Blakk Frogg ever think he’d find himself saying, “Hmmm… The site of my house burning down sure does make me want some popcorn right about now. Oh wait! I can eat the fire alarm! How convenient!”

And with that thought Blakk Frogg has now confirmed that he apparently does does not fit the description of a redneck. At least not according to THIS picture:

Ever go to a sporting event, concert or just anywhere outdoors and think, “Man oh man do I wish I had something to keep the sun out of my eyes…” and totally forget that you have a HAT on your head?

If so, then you and this moron below have something in common: You’re both doing your part to ruin the gene pool!

With so many people listing to iPods or other devices that make use of headphones it comes as no surprise to Blakk Frogg that a few people need reminders about things they ought not do while enjoying music (or the soundtrack from their favorite porno) through their headphones.

Lesson #1 – Stop screaming, you jackass! You may not have the ability to hear anything, including yourself, over the music but we can hear you just fine!

Lesson #2 – Stop singing along, you moron! You cannot POSSIBLY hear yourself singing when you have the volume cranked up to 100 while using headphones but we surely can!

Lesson #3 – Turn the damn volume down, you deaf bastard! Listening to music that loud destroys your hearing and means next time you’ll need to turn it up even louder! Oh, and by the way: Nobody but YOU enjoys that crap you listen to!

Lesson #4 – Headphones may stop you from hearing your own farts but the rest of us CAN hear them, ya’ no class gas bag!

Headphones Don’t Block Fart Sounds for the Rest Of Us!

Few things in this world can silence Blakk Frogg but every once in a while he gazes upon a sight that takes his breath away and makes him question the very reasoning why he has not already blown his brains out.

These two circus freaks drove Blakk Frogg to that point.

Seriously Just… WHAT THE FU#K?!?!?

Well, of all the places for a fecal accident to take place, the poor fellow who crapped himself at Walmart, bought new pants, changed in the restroom, and discarded his shitty pants in the trash can… could have had a worse day by crapping himself during a tour of an art museum.

On second thought, if he crapped himself and hung the poop-stained drawers on the wall he could call it ‘modern art’ and possibly even sell his masterpiece for a ridiculous amount of money to an unsuspecting collector who adored the fact that he got to meet the artist standing half naked in front of the artwork. “Oh how marvelous! Such conviction!”

Lucky Day, Artistic Masterpiece or Flat Out Low Class?