Blakk Frogg Joke Blog

Little Johnny goes to class one day to find that he has a substitute teacher. As the class gets settled, the teacher writes her name on the board and says, “My name is Ms. Prussy, that’s P-R-U-S-S-Y.”Some of the kids in class snicker and she says sharply, “That’s WITH an R!”

So class goes by and the kids come to school the next day and there is the substitute again. She stands up in front of the class and says, “Okay students, who can remember my name? And don’t forget the R!” About five hands go up and Dirty Johnny is one of them. He is jumping up and down trying to get her attention.

The teacher says, Okay Johnny, what is my name?”

To this Johnny replies, “Ms. Crunt, C-R-U-N-T!!”

A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends. Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch. They discovered that they both brought chicken sandwiches every day! This went on all through the fourth and fifth grades, until one day he noticed that her sandwich wasn’t a chicken sandwich.

He said, “Hey, how come you’re not eating chicken, don’t you like it anymore?”

She said “I love it but I have to stop eating it.”

“Why?” he asked.

She pointed to her lap and said “Cause I’m starting to grow little feathers down there!”

“Let me see” he said.

“Okay,” and she pulled up her skirt.

He looked and said, “That’s right. You are! Better not eat any more chicken.”

He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought peanut butter. He said to the little girl, “I have to stop eating chicken sandwiches, too. I’m starting to get feathers down there too!”

She asked if she could look, so he pulled down his pants for her.

She said, “Oh my God! It’s too late for you! You’ve already got the NECK and GIZZARDS!!!”

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A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure. A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

“Nurse”, he mumbles, from behind the mask. “Are my testicles black?”

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, “I don’t know, Sir. I’m only here to wash your upper body and feet.”

He struggles to ask again, “Nurse, are my testicles black?”

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment, sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around. Then, she takes a closer look and says, “There’s nothing wrong with them, Sir!!”

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, “Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely………A r e – m y – t e s t – r e s u l t s – b a c k!?”

A cocky representative from the Department of Agriculture representative stopped at a farm and said to the farmer, “I’m here to inspect your farm.”

The old farmer said “OK, but whatever you do, don’t go in the field on the left.”

The Agriculture representative said, “Look mister, I have the authority of the U. S. Government with me. See this card? This card means I am allowed to go WHEREVER I wish, WHENEVER I wish, on ANY agricultural land, no questions asked or answered. Do you understand, THAT?”

The farmer nodded politely and went about his farm chores. Later, he heard loud screams and saw the D of A Rep running for the fence, his briefcase and papers flying like confetti. Close behind was the farmer’s huge-horned prize bull, which was mad as a nest of hornets. The bull was gaining on the Rep at every step and the Rep started screaming like a girl.

The Old farmer yelled, “Show HIM your card!”

A woman stopped by unannounced at her son’s house. She knocked on the door then immediately walked in.

She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked.

Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

“What are you doing?” she asked.

“I’m waiting for Justin to come home from work,” the daughter-in-law answered.

“But you’re naked!” the mother-in-law exclaimed.

“This is my love dress,” the daughter-in-law explained.

“Love dress? But you’re naked!”

“Justin loves me to wear this dress,” she explained. “Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours.

The mother-in-law left.

When she got home she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and laid on the couch.

Finally, her husband came home.

He walked in and saw her laying there so provocatively. What are you doing?” he asked.

“This is my love dress,” she whispered, sensually.

“Needs ironing,” he said……… “What’s for dinner?”

It seems as though a new round of jokes aimed at homosexual men has surfaced. They sound very similar to ones from the past, but apparently someone took a bit of literary license with them this time!

“If you have passed the age of forty and you have a washboard stomach, you qualify as gay.  It means you have not sucked back enough full-caloried beers with the boys, challenged enough strangers to chicken wing eating contests at bars with no names, and participated in all-day grill-a-thons where vegetables had NO place and not one steak weighed less than 2 pounds.

Clearly you spent too much of your free time doing sit-ups, aerobics, and doing the Oprah diet. Real men digest empty carbohydrates from beer and food, not decide whether or not to spit out or swallow calories donated by their…. friends.”

Note: Blakk Frogg has no grudge against guys who like guys, but he does find some of the jokes about them entertaining. Deal with it.

Excerpts from a Dog’s Diary

• 6:00am – At last! I Go Pee! My favorite thing!
• 8:00 am – Dog food! My favorite thing!
• 9:30 am – A car ride! My favorite thing!
• 9:40 am – A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
• 10:30am – Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
• 12:00pm – Lunch! My favorite thing!
• 1:00 pm – Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
• 3:00 pm – Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
• 5:00 pm – Milk bones! My favorite thing!
• 6:00 pm – They’re home! My favorite thing!
• 7:00 pm – Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
• 8:00 pm – Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
• 11:00 pm – Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary

– Day 983 of my captivity.

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

– Day 984 of my captivity.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a “good little hunter” I am. Bastards! There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of “allergies.” I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.

– Day 985 of my captivity.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow — but at the top of the stairs. I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released – and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded. The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe.

For now…

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A little boy walks into his parents’ room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down…

The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to find him.

The son sees his mom and asks, “What were you and Dad doing?”

The mother replies, “Well, you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it and help flatten it.”

“Your wasting your time,” said the boy.

“Why is that?” the mom asked puzzled.

“Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and and blows it right back up.”

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Dear Abby,

When I retired, I could hardly wait to spend time enjoying my favorite pastime — bass fishing. I got my own little fishing boat and tried to get my wife to join me, but she just never liked fishing. Finally, one day at the Bait & Tackle Shop, I got to talking to Sam, the shop owner, who it turned out loves bass fishing as much as I do. We quickly became fishing buddies. As I said the wife doesn’t care about fishing. She not only refuses to join us she always complains that I spend too much time fishing.

A few weeks ago Sam and I had the best fishing trip ever. Not only did I catch the most beautiful bass you’ve ever seen, only a few minutes later Sam must have caught his twin brother! So I took a picture of Sam holding up the two nice bass that we caught and showed the picture to the wife hoping that maybe she’d get interested. Instead she says she doesn’t want me to go fishing at all anymore! And she wants me to sell the boat! I think she just doesn’t like to see me enjoying myself. What would you do? Tell the wife to forget it and continue my hobby or quit fishing and sell the boat as she insists?

Thanks,

“Confused Fisherman”

P.S. —> Enclosed is a picture of Sam with the two bass we caught. (see below)

Dear Confused Fisherman,

Get rid of that narrow-minded hag you married and spend more time fishing with Sam. That’s a gorgeous pair of bass she’s got there!