Blakk Frogg Joke Blog

‘Tis the season for Holiday parties, long nights of sipping spiked eggnog with friends, and ugly sweater wine parties… so before you think about getting behind the wheel after a social event involving alcohol this Holiday Season, please remember this short story before making up your mind:

With the Holidays upon us I would like to share a personal experience with my friends about drinking and driving.

As you may know some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time on the way home after a “social session” out with friends. Well, two days ago I was out for an evening with friends and had several cocktails followed by some rather nice red wine. Feeling jolly I still had the sense to know that I may be slightly over the limit.

That’s when I did something that I’ve never done before – I took a cab home.

Sure enough on the way home there was a police road block, but since it was a cab they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident.

This was a real surprise… as I had never driven a cab before, I don’t know where I got it and now that it’s in my garage I don’t know what to do with it.

In all seriousness, though…

No matter what time of year it is, please think about the risks associated with driving under the influence before getting behind the wheel. We speak from experience when we say the problems associated with even the slightest ‘issue’ that can arise from drinking and driving last far longer than you want… The serious ones, like loss of life — be it yours, a loved one’s, or a stranger’s — speak for themselves.

If ya’ cannot control your thirst, then you certainly have no business trying to control a car!

So… Do gasoline additives really help make cars drive a bit further on a tank of gas? After some research we have determined that some do, and some don’t.

We all want to know how we can stretch our gasoline budget just a little further, right? Of course we do! With gas prices clearly over the $4 mark in a lot of the country most of us have started doing ANYthing we can to get better gas mileage.

That dumb bastard, however, appeared to have other motives for his use of a ‘gas additive’ and although we didn’t actually log any miles on the test vehicle, we have concluded that man-made, all natural beer-induced fuel additives will not stretch a person’s fuel budget.

One Monday morning, Roy, the UPS man is driving the neighborhood on his usual route. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles.

“Wow Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night,” the UPS man comments.

Bob, in obvious pain, replies “Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. We got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I.”

The UPS man thinks a moment and says, “How do you play WHO AM I?”

“Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us, with only our ‘privates’ showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is.”

The UPS man laughs and says, “Damn, I’m sorry I missed that.”

“Probably a good thing you did,” Bob responded. “Your name came up seven times.”

Grab ’em from behind and keep ’em guessing!

As we get older thoughts about our past ex-lovers almost always cross our minds and sometimes we find ourselves staring in the mirror at ourselves and asking, “Seriously? Why in the HELL did I ever date THAT bitch/bastard?!?!?”

Then, like a bolt of lightning up our ass, we realize just how wasted we got for every waking moment of the relationship. Beer after beer, shot after shot, and ‘questionable substance’ after ‘questionable substance’.

Without a doubt we could have avoided those unsavory tramps and assholes if we had used our brains… relied on common sense… laid off the hooch… put down the fifth… didn’t inhale… and more or less ‘just said NO!’

Although the whole ‘talking babies’ thing got played out YEARS AGO, every once in a while a funny picture surfaces… like this one:

Sarcastic MySpace Comments

I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me today, and we all could probably use more calm in our lives.

Some doctor on TV this morning said the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started.

So I looked around my house to see things I’d started and hadn’t finished; so I have managed to finish off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, a pockage of Prungles, tha mainder of bot Prozic and Valiuminun scriptions, the res of the chesescke an a box a chocletz.

Yu haf no idr how fablus I feel rite now. Plaese sned dhis orn to dem yu fee ar in ned ov iennr pisss. An telum, u luvum!!

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Funny/Sexy/Sarcastic/Stupid MySpace Comments

Vodka and ice will ruin your kidneys, Rum and ice will ruin your liver, Whiskey and ice will ruin your heart, Gin and ice will ruin your brain, and last but not least, coke and ice will ruin your teeth.

That bloody ice is lethal. Warn all your friends: Lay off the ICE!

Americas Best MySpace Drinking Comments

A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, ‘Daddy, you shouldn’t wear that suit.’

‘And why not, darling?’

‘You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.’

Americas Best MySpace Drinking Comments

Modern Drunkard Magazine published a list which ALL real-time, real-life drinkers need to abide by:

The 86 Rules to Drink By! (part one of nine)

1. If you owe someone money, always pay them back in a bar. Preferably during happy hour.

2. Always toast before doing a shot.

3. Whoever buys the shot gets the first chance to offer a toast.

4. Change your toast at least once a month.

5. Buying someone a drink is five times better than a handshake.

6. Buying a strange woman a drink is still cool. Buying all her drinks is dumb.

7. Never borrow more than one cigarette from the same person in one night.

8. When the bartender is slammed, resist the powerful urge to order a slightly-dirty, very-dry, in-and-out, super-chilled half-and-half martini with a lemon twist. Limit orders to beer, straight shots and two-part cocktails.

9. Get the bartender’s attention with eye contact and a smile.

10. Do not make eye contact with the bartender if you do not want a drink.

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<a href=http://www.americasbestmyspacecomments.com/graphics/drinking style='text-decoration: none;'><img src=http://www.americasbestmyspacecomments.com/graphics/drinking/13/pics_alcohol-life-decisions.jpg alt="Americas Best MySpace Drinking Comments" border=0><br /><font size="2"><strong>Americas Best MySpace Drinking Comments</a></strong></font>

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Stop staring at your sister’s droopy butt and pay attention! Below you will find the most popular pics on MySpaceSarcasm.Com for March 2010. Now go get me a beer, you lazy freak!

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<a href="http://myspacesarcasm.com" style="text-decoration: none;"><img src="http://myspacesarcasm.com/myspace-motivational-comments/5/pics_motivational-bling-hairy-whales.jpg" border="1" alt="MySpace Sarcasm"><br /><strong>Visit MySpace Sarcasm if…</strong></a><br /><em>you like peanut butter between your toes</em>