OK, this cracked Blakk Frogg up: “An Open Letter From Your Local Adult Store Clerk” (originally posted on Craigslist)
Dear Adult Store Shoppers,
Maybe you want to buy some pornography or maybe you’d like to purchase some condoms, lube, lingerie, toys, games or whatever other merchandise we carry. That’s great, and I hope you find what you want in the store, but please, avoid these pitfalls and be a good customer.
1. If you are a needy as hell customer who asks me to check movies before you rent or buy them to make sure you will like them, I will secretly hate you. All of our movies have people fucking in them. Usually 2 or more people! This much you should know. Now do the following: Look at the box cover. Is it appealing to you? No? Stop, put the movie away and pick up another and try again. Yes? Good! Now, turn over the box. Do you see those other pictures? If none of those appeal to you, don’t rent the movie. If they appeal to you, rent it, take it home, wank to it, be happy. If it’s not to your liking, shut the fuck up and rent another movie. I really don’t care if it wasn’t appropriate wanking material up to your fine and high pornography standards. This isn’t a restaurant where you can send something back if you don’t like it – it’s a porn store.
2. If you return movies that you rented with unidentified substances on them, you are a nasty motherf#cker who should get hit by a bus. I get paid $9.00/hour, which is not enough to clean up your spunk. Wash your hands before you take the DVD out of the player, you nasty ass son of a b#tch. After you return that nasty jizz covered movie, I will curse you loudly, put on 2 pairs of latex gloves, use copious amounts of cleaning supplies and then put a nasty note in your account about how you are a nasty asshole who can’t return a movie the way we gave it to you – clean and DNA free. Then, everyone who works in the store knows what a nasty person you are. So for the love of Christ, wash your nasty hands and have some respect for the people who work here.
3. If you and your partner come into my store and you want to buy some lingerie, that is great. It’s even nice if your husband/boyfriend/John/whatever wants to help you into the lingerie as some of the stuff we sell is hard to get on by yourself. But seriously, don’t f#ck in my dressing room. That is nasty and gross. Take your lingerie, try it on, buy it if you like it, take it home and f#ck there. I wouldn’t come into your place of work and f#ck on your desk, so don’t have sex here in my store. Don’t try to be sneaky about it either. If I notice you’ve been in the dressing room for more than a few minutes, I’m going to come by and knock on the door to see if everything is okay. And if I hear moaning and grunting, I’m going to call the police.
4. Please treat our merchandise with some respect. In any other store would you open up boxes, rip off labels, or throw things around? I doubt it. Also, my store is not a club or a party. I know we are open late, so maybe you really do think this is a club, but I swear it’s not. It’s a store. We’re here to sell things and make money. The things we sell are fun and great, sure, but this is not a place for you and all of your friends to come in and laugh and scream and point (and destroy merchandise, as mentioned above) for 2 hours and then leave without purchasing anything.
5. Don’t hit on me or any of my coworkers. That is desperate and gross. Also, you’re standing at my counter with 2 tranny movies, some desensitizing spray and a pair of panties. Do you really think this situation lends itself to me agreeing to go out with you? Nope, didn’t think so. Also, don’t stare at me or my coworkers like we’re pieces of meat. Don’t ask us inappropriate questions either. No, I won’t demonstrate how the toys are used. I also won’t tell you what it is I like in bed. And seriously, if you ask me to model lingerie one more time, I’m going to kick you out.
6. Additionally, just because I work at an adult store does not make me uneducated, a freak, a stripper, a prostitute or desperate. I am college educated (and currently in graduate school), well read and a pretty normal person with friends, family, a dog, hobbies, etc. I took this job for a variety of reasons, none of which I have to explain to you.
7. If I ask for your ID, don’t give me grief. Take it as a compliment – I’m saying that you look youthful and fresh. I can get in trouble and lose my job for letting someone under 18 into the store. Don’t bitch about how you don’t have your ID (I have to ask you to leave, sorry) or how you have to go out to your car and walk the terrible 30 feet to get it or ask me how old I think you are. You look like you could be under 18. Show me your ID and I’ll leave you alone. If all of your friends show me their ID but you “don’t have yours,” I’m going to have to ask you to go outside. Just because all of your friends are 18+ does not mean you are. I know it’s a bummer, but it’s the rule.
8. And finally, if you are someone who brings your child into the store, you fail at parenting and at life.
Thanks, and have a great day.
Your Friendly Adult Store Clerk
