Blakk Frogg Joke Blog

While trolling through some older web pages in Blakk Frogg’s portfolio of fun he came across this older piece that he feels needs to get re-published. Enjoy!

Some rumors ring true. Blakk Frogg has some serious height issues. Some people call him Extra Tall. Others refer to him as a Giant. Everyone calls him an a$$hole.

Below you will see true statements from people regarding Blakk Frogg’s 6’8″ stature and the responses he gave:

– Them: Wow. You must have a hard time finding clothes!
– Blakk Frogg: Not really. With all two stores in the state carrying things in my size, well, it’s quite easy to find old, out-dated crap no one else would wear.

– Them: Where do you find shoes that big?
– Blakk Frogg: I don’t. I sneak up behind an appropriately sized animal and ram my foot up its ass. Shock kills the critter instantly and I then wear the carcass as a shoe until it rots and falls off or the smell gets too unbearable.

– Them (male): Wow. You’re tall. Do you have trouble kissing girls?
– Blakk Frogg: Are you asking if I’m gay? Why the hell would you think tall people are gay? Did you get molested by a man on stilts as a child?

– Them: You MUST play basketball!
– Blakk Frogg: No, actually I’m a jockey at the horse track. You should see the size of my horse!

– Them: Did you breast feed?
– Blakk Frogg: Not this morning, no.

– Them: Were your parents tall?
– Blakk Frogg: At first they were giants but as the years passed they kept appearing shorter and shorter to me…. really weird.

– Them: Were you always this tall?
– Blakk Frogg: Yes, and you should have been there to see the look on my mom’s face and the stretch marks created when she gave birth to me.

– Them: You used to drink a lot of milk, I bet.
– Blakk Frogg: Actually, I used to just take whole bites out of them. More protein that way.

– Them: What’s it like to be that tall?
– Blakk Frogg: Same as it is to be your height, except it’s easier to look down girls’ shirts.

– Them (male): At your height you must get to look down a lot of blouses, eh?
– Blakk Frogg: Yeah, and at your height you must get to look up a lot of skirts/dresses, eh?

– Them: How’s the weather up there?
– Blakk Frogg: I’m sorry. Could you repeat that? I was busy talking with God just now… and He’s PISSED that you interrupted!

– Them (female): I dated a guy your height one time.
– Blakk Frogg: Only one time? I guess he didn’t like you much, either.

TONS of self-help books out there harp on the fact that many among us live in alternate (fake) realities and for that reason have great difficulties interacting with other people. Personally, Blakk Frogg thinks more people need to heed the advice in the image below… ‘cuz he took the advice to heart a long time ago and people LOVE him now. (not!)

Actually, more people loathe and detest Blakk Frogg since he ‘took the first step’… and for some odd reason he does not care. Hmmm….

Take the do-it-yourself, home version of the ‘Are You a Douchebag Test’ today. Step 1 — Look at the picture & study its details. Step 2 — Look in the mirror. Step 3 — Determine the number of similarities between yourself and the guy in the picture. Step 4 — If number of similarities exceeds ’1′, kill yourself immediately.

Americas Best MySpace Attitude Comments

Every once in a while we all need to hear a few positive words of encouragement to help us get through the day. Well, it just so happens that Blakk Frogg some very positive, uplifting words for MOST of you today:

At Least You’re Not a Fucking Loser… Like These People.

Americas Best MySpace Attitude Comments

For the rest of you, though, I see you trying to hide in the background while you dry hump your favorite hand-drawn cartoon chick on a pillow!

If you ever wondered what the most beautiful picture of True, Everlasting Love looked like, well, Blakk Frogg thinks he may have found it:

What Does Everlasting Love REALLY Look Like?

Blakk Frogg says, “If you must die during a moment of passion, and not one by yourself, have the courtesy to let the other person get on top first!”

While some of you may have looked at the title of this post and thought, “Oh, Frogg, that’s ridiculous! Why would a grown man or woman ever DO such a thing?!?”

Frogg’s answer: Because, as George Carlin (RIP) said, “FARTS ARE FUNNY!”

At least the sounds associated with them. The noxious, repulsive, toxic, and occasionally suffocating odors associated with them on the other hand, no one with a sense of smell laughs at THOSE.

No Laughing at Other People’s Farts?

So the next time some old man rips a dinosaur blast two stalls down, do not hesitate to laugh. Just remember that the more you laugh, the more air tainted with fossil fart fumes you will have to take in immediately afterward.

As we get older thoughts about our past ex-lovers almost always cross our minds and sometimes we find ourselves staring in the mirror at ourselves and asking, “Seriously? Why in the HELL did I ever date THAT bitch/bastard?!?!?”

Then, like a bolt of lightning up our ass, we realize just how wasted we got for every waking moment of the relationship. Beer after beer, shot after shot, and ‘questionable substance’ after ‘questionable substance’.

Without a doubt we could have avoided those unsavory tramps and assholes if we had used our brains… relied on common sense… laid off the hooch… put down the fifth… didn’t inhale… and more or less ‘just said NO!’

The tradition of the Birthday Boy of Girl making a wish while blowing out the candles has always bothered Blakk Frogg… because while the person blew out the candles he found himself making a wish at the same time.

Blakk Frogg wished (and hoped) the person didn’t tuberculosis or some other health-related issue communicable through saliva.

“What piece of cake would you like?” asked the Birthday Boy/Girl. “One with the least amount of spittle on it, please,” replied Blakk Frogg.

Getting to the point of this posting, though, when making a wish over birthday candles like the wife in the picture below, be careful what you wish for!

Pop Quiz: Who remembers the Wishmaster series of movies?

With so many people listing to iPods or other devices that make use of headphones it comes as no surprise to Blakk Frogg that a few people need reminders about things they ought not do while enjoying music (or the soundtrack from their favorite porno) through their headphones.

Lesson #1 – Stop screaming, you jackass! You may not have the ability to hear anything, including yourself, over the music but we can hear you just fine!

Lesson #2 – Stop singing along, you moron! You cannot POSSIBLY hear yourself singing when you have the volume cranked up to 100 while using headphones but we surely can!

Lesson #3 – Turn the damn volume down, you deaf bastard! Listening to music that loud destroys your hearing and means next time you’ll need to turn it up even louder! Oh, and by the way: Nobody but YOU enjoys that crap you listen to!

Lesson #4 – Headphones may stop you from hearing your own farts but the rest of us CAN hear them, ya’ no class gas bag!

Headphones Don’t Block Fart Sounds for the Rest Of Us!

Few things in this world can silence Blakk Frogg but every once in a while he gazes upon a sight that takes his breath away and makes him question the very reasoning why he has not already blown his brains out.

These two circus freaks drove Blakk Frogg to that point.

Seriously Just… WHAT THE FU#K?!?!?