Blakk Frogg Joke Blog

Blakk Frogg says, “Lawyers make the world go around… and a very smelly place to live.”

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One evening, after attending the theater, two gentlemen were walking down the avenue when they observed a rather well dressed and attractive young lady walking ahead of them. One of them turned to the other and remarked, “I’d give $250 to spend the night with that woman.”

Much to their surprise, the young lady overheard the remark, turned around, and said, “I’ll take you up on that offer.”

She had a neat appearance and a pleasant voice, so after bidding his companion good night, the man accompanied the young lady to her apartment.

The following morning the man presented her with $125 as he prepared to leave.

She demanded the rest of the money, stating “If you don’t give me the other $125, I’ll sue you for it.”

He laughed, saying, “I’d like to see you get it on these grounds.”

Within a few days, he was surprised when he received a summons ordering his presence in court as a defendant in a lawsuit. He hurried to his lawyer and explained the details of the case.

His lawyer said, “She can’t possibly get a judgment against you on such grounds, but it will be interesting to see how her case will be presented.”

After the usual preliminaries, the lady’s lawyer addressed the court as follows: “Your honor, my client, this lady, is the owner of a piece of property, a garden spot, surrounded by a profuse growth of shrubbery, which property she agreed to rent to the defendant for a specified length of time for the sum of $250. The defendant took possession of the property, used it extensively for the purposes for which it was rented, but upon evacuating the premises, he paid only $125, one-half of the amount agreed upon. The rent was not excessive, since it is restricted property, and we ask judgment be granted against the defendant to assure payment of the balance.”

The defendant’s lawyer was impressed and amused by the way his opponent had presented the case. His defense therefore was somewhat different from the way he originally planned to present it. “Your honor,” he said, “my client agrees that the lady has a fine piece of property, which he did rent such property for a time, and a degree of pleasure was derived from the transaction. However, my client found a well on the property around which he placed his own stones, sunk a shaft, and erected a pump, all labor performed personally by him. We claim these improvements to the property were sufficient to offset the unpaid amount, and that the plaintiff was adequately compensated for the rental of said property. We, therefore, ask that judgment not be granted.”

The young lady’s lawyer answered, “Your honor, my client agrees that the defendant did find a well on her property. However, had the defendant not known that the well existed; he would never have rented the property. Also, upon evacuating the premises, the defendant removed the stones, pulled out the shaft, and took the pump with him. In doing so, he not only dragged the equipment through the shrubbery, but left the hole much larger than it was prior to his occupancy, making the property much less desirable to others. We, therefore, ask that judgment be granted.”

In the Judge’s decision, he provided for two options: “Pay the $125 or have the equipment detached from its current location and provide it to the plaintiff for damages.”

The defendant immediately wrote a check.

1. The bandage was wound around the wound.

2. The farm was used to produce produce.

3. The dump was so full it had to refuse more refuse.

4. We must polish the Polish furniture.

5. He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6. The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7. Since there was no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.

8. A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9. When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10. I did not object to the object.

11. The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12. There was a row among the oarsmen on how to row.

13. They were too close to the door to close it.

14. The buck does funny things when does are present.

15. A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16. To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17. The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18. After a number of injections my jaw got number.

19. Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

20. I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

21. How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Note:  Now although Blakk Frogg does concede that the above ‘trickeries’ in the English language can make things difficult on a person attempting to learn it, he does NOT think anyone should use them as an excuse NOT to learn the language if they choose to reside in the United States.  If you’re gonna’ live here, learn the language… and that goes for people BORN here in the United States as well. There’s no excuse for your poor grammar and blatant, almost intentional, misuse of words. You’re part of the problem, really, if you think about it. Why would a foreigner want or see a need to learn proper English when you don’t even bother to learn or use it yourself? <end rant>

Americas Best MySpace Attitude Comments

Blakk Frogg has a friend who likes to drink. Yes, it’s true, and recently this friend posted this bulletin on MySpace:

Here is a list of things that I learned in AA (Alcoholics Anonymous) that I found rather amusing. My main reason for posting this is because I am debating on stealing more of Pop’s liquor. I probably won’t, but I’m thinking about it just the same.

1) There is ALWAYS at least one hot chick getting treatment.

2) That hot chick is ALWAYS single.

3) That hot chick is NOT quitting.

4) If you tell nothing but maniacal drinking stories, everyone else in the group will actually try to help you get with the hot chick (proven through countless hot chicks at countless meetings).

5) If you are an alcoholic, you can die by quitting cold turkey. No other addiction can do that to you. (proven fact).

6) Just because you are going to a meeting that has other alcoholics, doesn’t mean they they still want to continue drinking.

7) Talking about “partying” and such is considered “Rude” to people that are actually trying to quit. Why you are talking to someone who wants to give up drinking, I don’t know.

If you get caught talking about partying during your treatment, you have to start all over again. Sometimes with more classes.

9) You will meet people from all walks of life. If you are majoring in Sociology, you will enjoy these meetings. If you are not, you can still learn new drinks, new drinking methods, and new ways to hide drinking from those who tell their stories.

10) IT’S EXPENSIVE!!!!! So don’t get caught with a DUI (Driving Under the Influence).

There you go everyone. Now off I go to make myself a Long Island. If I take a little of each, I shouldn’t get caught…. rather than taking one big drink from just one big bottle.

The Champaign, Illinois Police Department, famous for its superior K9 unit, was somewhat taken back by this recent incident.

Returning home from work, a blond was shocked to find her house has been ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond.

As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the woman ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps put her face in her hands and moaned, ‘I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!’

Last name: ________________

(Check appropriate box)
First name-First name:

[_] Billy-Bob [_] Bobby-Sue
[_] Billy-Joe [_] Bobby-Jo
[_] Billy-Ray [_] Bobby-Ann
[_] Billy-Sue [_] Bobby-Lee
[_] Billy-Mae [_] Bobby-Ellen
[_] Billy-Jack [_] Bobby-Beth Ann Sue

Age: ____ (if unsure, guess)
Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ Not sure
Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right
Occupation:
[_] Farmer [_] Mechanic
[_] Hair Dresser [_] Waitress
[_] Un-employed [_] Dirty Politician

Spouse’s Name: __________________________
2nd Spouse’s Name: __________________________
3rd Spouse’s Name: __________________________
Lover’s Name: __________________________
2nd Lover’s Name: __________________________

Relationship with spouse:
[_] Sister [_] Aunt
[_] Brother [_] Uncle
[_] Mother [_] Son
[_] Father [_] Daughter
[_] Cousin [_] Pet

Number of children living in household: ___
Number of children living in shed: ___
Number of children that are yours: ___

Mother’s Name: _______________________
Father’s Name: _______________________(If not sure, leave blank)

Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)

Do you [_] own or [_] rent your mobile home? (Check appropriate box)

Vehicles you own and where you keep them:
___ Total number of vehicles you own
___ Number of vehicles that still crank
___ Number of vehicles in front yard
___ Number of vehicles in back yard
___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks

Number of firearms you own and where you keep them:
____ truck ____ kitchen
____ bedroom ____ bathroom
____ shed

Model and year of your pickup: _____________ 194_

Do you have a gun rack?
[_] Yes [_] No; If no, please explain: _____________

Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
[_] The National Enquirer [_] The Globe
[_] TV Guide [_] Soap Opera Digest
[_] Rifle and Shotgun [_] 4×4 Weekly
[_] Hot Rods & Handguns

___ Number of times you’ve seen a UFO
___ Number of times you’ve seen Elvis
___ Number of times you’ve seen Elvis in a UFO

How often do you bathe:
[_] Weekly
[_] Monthly
[_] Not Applicable

How many teeth? ___
Color of teeth:
[_] Yellow [_] Brownish-Yellow
[_] Brown [_] Black
[_] N/A

Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:
[_] Red-Man

How far is your home from a paved road?
[_] 1 mile
[_] 2 miles
[_] don’t know

Americas Best MySpace Redneck Comments

Blakk Frogg asks, “Do they have a sign which reads ‘Over 1 Billion Served’ as well?”

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A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:

CHEESEBURGER: $1.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH : $2.50
HANDJOB: $10.00

Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive women serving drinks to a meager looking group of men.

“Yes?” she inquires with a knowing smile. “Can I help you?”

“I was wondering,” whispers the man. “Are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?”

“Yes”, she purrs, “I am.”

The man replies “Well, wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger.”

Americas Best MySpace Foods Comments

Blakk Frogg says, “When you think your life is the absolute worst, stop and look around for someone in worse shape than you. If cannot find one, then yes, you’re at the bottom of the barrel.”

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A man who lost one of his arms in an accident became very depressed because he had loved to play the guitar and do a lot of things that took two arms.

One day, he decided to end his life. He got on an elevator and went to the top of a building to jump off.

He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw a man skipping along, whistling and kicking up his heels.. He looked closer and saw this man didn’t have any arms at all.

He started thinking, what am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself, I still have one good arm to do things with. There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk happy and going on with his life.

He hurried down and caught the man with no arms. He told him how glad he was to see him because he had lost one of his arms and felt ugly and useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked him again for saving his life and he knew he could make it with one arm if that guy could go on with no arms.

The man with no arms began dancing and whistling and kicking up his heels again.

He asked him, “Why are you so happy anyway?”

The man said, “I’m NOT happy…. My ass itches!”

Sarcastic MySpace Comments

Although Blakk Frogg doesn’t usually pay attention to a damn thing coming out of a celebrity’s mouth, ‘cuz they usually have nothing useful to say, he will tune in for a minute if they wanna’ talk abour S-E-X!

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“I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy.” –Tom Clancy

“You know “that look” women get when they want sex? Me neither.” –Steve Martin

“Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.” –Woody Allen

“Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.” –Rodney Dangerfield

More Celebrity Sex & Realtionship Quotes:
page 1 | page 2 | page 3 | page 4 | page 5

The body builder takes off his shirt and the blonde says, “What a great chest you have.”

He tells her, “That’s 100 lbs. of dynamite, baby.”

He takes off his pants and the blonde says, “What massive calves you have.”

The body builder tells her, “That’s 100 lbs. of dynamite, baby.”

He then removes his underwear and the blonde goes running out of the apartment screaming in fear. The body builder puts his clothes back on and chases after her.

He catches up to her and asks why she ran out of the apartment like that.

The blonde replies, “I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw how short the fuse was”

Americas Best MySpace Sex Comments

Prior to her trip to Texas, Brittany (a Blonde New Yorker), confided to her co-workers she had three goals for her trip to the Lone Star State:

1. She wanted to taste some real Texas Bar-B-Que.

2. She wanted to take in a bona fide rodeo.

And…

3. She wanted to have sex with a real cowboy.

Upon her return, the girls were curious as to how she fared.

“Let me tell you, they have a tree down there called a Mesquite and when they slow cook that brisket over that Mesquite , it’s ooooh so good. The taste is unbelievable!”

Simply Frogg and Americas Best
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“And I went to a real rodeo.Talk about athletes…those guys wrestle full grown bulls! They ride horses at a full gallop,then jump off the horses and grab the bull by the horns and throw them to the ground! It is just incredible!”

Simply Frogg and Americas Best
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They then asked, “Well tell us, did you have sex with a real cowboy?”

“Are you kidding? When I saw the outline of the condom they carry in the back pocket of their jeans, I changed my mind!”

Americas Best MySpace Political Comments