Blakk Frogg Joke Blog

Do you have problems in the mornings that involve running out of time to sit down to a good, healthy breakfast? Do you frequently find yourself running around like a headless chicken as you scramble to get your oversleeping ass out the door and on your way to work?

If so, then you have probably had some interesting food items next to you on the front seat of your car before… kinda’ like the pic below, perhaps?

You, too, can experience a moment like we did if you cook the bacon the night before. Then simply hit ’snooze’ too many times the next morning, run around trying to get ready for work in half the time you really need, grab the bacon and diet dew, and get on down the road.

Not the healthiest breakfast in the world, no, but it DOES contain bacon and caffeine… so shut the Hell up and enjoy!

The other day we found ourselves faced with a wonderful situation: We had beer, bacon AND a couple of ribeye steaks. Therefore we drank the beer and wrapped the bacon around the ribeyes. Seemed like the right thing to do. We suggest you try it sometime. Preferably on the day you ask us to come over for dinner. Ha ha!

Please accept our deepest and most sincere apologies for not having pictures of the cooked bacon-wrapped ribeye steaks. We unfortunately drank all the beers we had at the house, got drunk, cooked the steaks, and ate without remembering to take pictures. Oops.

For most (rational) people, the idea of bacon not making sense does not compute. Square peg does not fit in the round hole and two plus two does not equal five, ya’ know what we mean?

So anyways, bacon equals bliss and we know of not one single time when bacon does not make sense. With that said, we DO know of an improper way to cook bacon, and naturally, we witnessed this near-calamity in our own home after a long night of drinking… and discussing bacon.

While we do not know for sure if the person who began the bacon cooking process meant to lay this out and proceed with the cooking as shown or not, because they passed out on the balcony, we do know that this particular bacon situation would have resulted in a Bacon Disaster.

No one likes a Bacon Disaster. No one.

One can hardly watch TV these days without seeing one of those commercials where a person’s front door gets kicked in by a wannabe home invader, the home security alarm goes off, and the chickensh!t bad guy runs away like a little sissy. Blakk Frogg cannot STAND those commercials.

Well anyways, those commercials suck and they really don’t portray the REAL problem with home security these days. Yeah, sure, the poser of a bad guy took off like a beaten poodle when the alarm went off ‘cuz the goofball smashed the door in, but what about the bacon, huh?

Does an alarm go off when some terrible soul decides to raid the fridge during a house party? The poor bacon gets left to fend for itself — a real travesty.

Poor, poor bacon left to the mercy of strangers rummaging through the fridge looking for anything they can get their hands on…

Well not at Blakk Frogg’s house! He went and got him a Heavily Clawed Bacon Defense System. Yep. His bacon has 24 hour protection whether in the fridge, on the counter, or just coming the front door from the store.

Weighing somewhere around 10 pounds, the Heavily Clawed Bacon Defense System requires very little maintenance, operates if the power goes out (w/o batteries), and does not rely on some putz earning minimum wage in a ‘high tech call center’.

See below for a picture of Heavily Clawed Bacon Defense System in standby mode.

So there you have it, all you bacon thieves. We DARE you to try and steal MY bacon! You’ll lose so much skin so fast that even Hannibal Lechter will say, “Whoa, sir. That’s a lot of skin!”

We don’t know of a single bacon lover on this planet that does not appreciate and enjoy the sights, smells, and sounds associated with bacon cooking in a pan. To a tried and true bacon lover, even the crappiest bacon in Earth sizzling in a pan will still draw saliva.

With that said, we want ALL of you to think of the one brand of bacon that others knock, but you still buy… because it doesn’t break the bank, cooks up pretty decently, etc., etc. For everyday bacon cooking events ot OUR house we stand by the “Carolina Pride” brand of bacon. Thick sliced, if possible, please.

We may have to weed through a few packs of bacon in the store searching for the pack that looks the way we want it to in terms of its fat-to-meat ratio, but we never leave the bacon aisle emptyhanded and Carolina Pride (Thick Cut) bacon always cooks up in a way that we enjoy.

Sheesh… All this talk about Carolina Pride bacon has made me hungry.

Wow. If a site like THAT doesn’t get you bacon motors running then you may have died… and become a vegetarian! lol.

Now go out and buy that favorite bacon brand you like so much and cook up some bacon right now! That’s a direct order, soldier!

Sometimes fate has a cruel sense of humor and finds a way to put distance between a person and what matters most in their life: Bacon.

Thanks to all the recent developments in Bacon Technology times like these no longer have to rob a person of the flavor they love. See below for an example of a real-life situation where a scientific bacon breakthrough can save your… bacon:

Example: You wake up later than usual one morning with a throbbing headache most likely caused by the… pollen and pollution in the air. All those imported beers or stiff drinks you had the night before (until 2 AM) had nothing to do with it.

You barely have enough time to shower, get dressed, and get out the door. Fortunately for you, though, you boiled some eggs the night before (while drunk) thinking you would have plenty of time to cook some bacon, sit down with a few eggs, have somewhat of a normal breakfast, and read the newpaper headlines.

Cancel THAT play, ya’ stinkin’ lush. Now you will have to eat the hard boiled eggs on the way to work or get in trouble for getting there late — again. You, my friend, have successfully screwed yourself out of bacon this morning.

Or have you? Maybe not! You’ll STILL have to eat the eggs on your way to work… but if you pour some bacon salt in the baggie with the eggs, and shake appropriately, you’ll get some bacon flavor in every bite!

Thank you, bacon salt, for saving the day! We love you!

While scanning through the internet for bacon links and bacon articles just now we located an article on the LA Times Web Site containing a link to the Giant Beast of a Bacon Sandwich.

This proves beyond the shadow of a doubt that bacon love exists on the West Coast, too. We always suspected it, but now we have proof.

We love it when a Bacon Plan comes together.

Don’t you?

The other day I found myself in a ‘down and out’ kind of mood and just did not know what to do with myself — so I did nothing and laid around the house most of the day feeling sorry for myself.

On several occasions my girlfriend had tried to cheer me up by comforting me and all that good stuff, but for some reason I just couldn’t snap out of the funky rut in which my mind had gotten itself stuck.

Then, as a final and desperate attempt to bring me back from the Land of Despair, she slipped into… the kitchen and began cooking a few lonely strips of bacon.

Within seconds of smelling that wonderful smoky scent in the air I immediately perked up and asked, “Uh, dear? I think I smell some market bacon cooking. No complaints here, but what possessed you to cook bacon at this hour of the afternoon? That’s not like you.”

“I did it… for you,” she replied.

Damn… my heart melted like bacon grease on a hot stove.

note: This article has zero medical worth despite the fact that bacon kicks ass and takes names!

Rotten meat goes to waste (Photo: Tina Fineberg/AP Wide World)

We apologize in advance for this posting not having anything to do with bacon… but we believe the title of this entry ought to piss you off, plain and simple — even if you don’t live in the small town where this happened.

At a time when millions of people go hungry each day, some jackass who wanted to avoid paying property taxes and some fines left more than 88,000 pounds of kosher bison meat to rot in the freezers of the building he abandoned.

While the photo on the left comes from a store in New York that lost power for 4 days back in August of 2003 (source), it barely shines any light on the magnitude of the wastefulness that occurred in Bridgewater, SD.

BRIDGEWATER, S.D. – Behind the freezer doors at a meat plant mysteriously abandoned by its owner, the 44 tons of bison meat managed to hold its own for months, masked by the brutal chill of two South Dakota winters. ( source )

It pisses us off to know that instead of donating the meat to charity and receiving a healthy tax deduction — or just plain donating the meat to charity as an act of goodwill — the bastard let it rot.

While all of us here at More Bacon Please feel very sorry for the people in Bridgewater, SD because they had to put up with the unholy stench created by all that rotting bison meat, we really feel sorry for the crews that had to clean up that horrifying mess…

A putrid odor so downright nasty the cleaners sent to mop up the gooey mess of liquefied meat — topped by a blanket of swarming white maggots and buzzed by a legion of flies — gave up after two days.
( source )

And furthermore, we really, really, really and REALLY feel sorry for all the people that meat could have fed.

Simple Math:

Most people use one pound of meat to create between 2 and 4 meals… and at that rate the 44 tons of wasted meat would have given between 176,000 and 352,000 people a meal.

So… can you SEE why we hope this guy gets trampled by horde of large angry animals? Better yet, someone needs to forward the guy’s home address to members of PETA.

Last we heard, PETA despises people who needlessly slaughter animals and then don’t eat them a LOT more than they despise people who simply eat meat.

• The Offender’s Name: Ilan Parente

• Last Known Location: Dawson, MN

We wrote about it, and now you wanna’ know more about it. Can’t say we blame you. The taste of Applewood Smoked Meats definitely merits some investigation. When you try it for yourself, you’ll know what we mean!

One thing we REALLY like about Applewood Bacon deals with its hearty, but not overwhelming, smoke flavor. Some woods used to smoke meats impart a thick, almost ’solid’ wood flavor that makes us think we have accidentally bit into a hunk of charred wood — but not Applewood.

We like the Applewood. A lot.