Blakk Frogg Joke Blog

Two buddies, George and Terry, are getting very drunk at a bar when suddenly Terry throws up all over himself. “Oh, no. Now Carolyn will kill me!”

George says, “Don’t worry, pal. Just tuck a twenty in your breast pocket and tell Carolyn that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the dry cleaning bill.”

So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker. Eventually, Terry strolls into his home where Carolyn starts to give him a really hard
time.

“You reek of alcohol and you’ve puked all over yourself! My God, you’re disgusting!”

Speaking very carefully and doing his best not to slur, Terry says, “Nowainaminit, I can e’splain everythin! Itsh not wha j! ew think. I only had a cupla drrrinks. But thiss other guy got ssick on me . . . he had one too many and he juss couldin hold hizz liquor. He said he was verrry sorry an’gave me twennie bucks for the cleaning bill!”

Carolyn looks in the breast pocket and says, “But this is forty bucks!”

“Oh, yeah… I almos’ fergot, … he shhhit in my pants, too.”

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A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar.

During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone.

‘Mommy can’t come to the phone to talk to you right now. She’s hitting the bottle.’

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There’s this drunk standing out on the street corner, and a cop passes by, and says, “What do you think you’re doing?”

The drunk says, “I heard the world goes around every 24 hours, and I’m waiting on my house. Won’t be long now, there goes my neighbor.”

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John O’Reilly hoisted his beer and said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!”

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, “I won the prize for the Best toast of the night”

She said, “Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?”

John said,” Here’s to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.”

“Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!” Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John’s drinking buddies on the street corner.

The man chuckled leeringly and said, “John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.”

She said, “Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he’s only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.”

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From the State where drunk driving is considered a sport, comes an alleged true story from Central Montana.

Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a local Neighborhood tavern. Late in the evening the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles, the man managed to find his car which he fell into.

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He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night) flicked the blinkers on, then off, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left.

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At last he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down the road. The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyzer test. To his amazement the breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed alcohol at all!

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Dumbfounded, the officer said, “I’ll have to ask you to accompany me to the Police station. Apparently this breathalyzer equipment must be broken.”

“I doubt it,” said the man, “Tonight I’m the designated decoy.”

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Blakk Frogg says, “Drinking heavily makes world a blurry place to live. I meant ‘better’, damn it.”

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A guy went into a bar one day and said to the bartender, “Give me six double vodkas.”

The bartender says, “Wow! you must have had one hell of a day.”

“Yes, I just found out my older brother is gay.”

The next day the same guy went into the bar and asked for the same drinks.

When the bartender asked what the problem was this time and the answer came back, “I just found out that my younger brother is gay, too!”

On the third day the guy went into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas.

The bartender said, “Jesus! Doesn’t anybody in your family like women?”

“Yeah, my wife…”

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Blakk Frogg says, “Always remember where you park your wheels.”

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Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the Night celebrating Ireland’s draw with Germany.

Mick, the bartender says, “You’ll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy”. Paddy replies “OK Mick, I’ll be on my way then.”

Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face. “Sh#te,” he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face. He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he’ll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk. He falls flat on his face.

“I’m fockin’ focked,” he says. He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door and shimmies up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside. He takes a look up the stairs and says “No fockin’ way”. He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says “I can make it to the bed.” He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says “Fock it” and falls into bed.

The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, “Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?”. Paddy says, “I did Jess. I was fockin’ pissed. But how’d you know?”

“Mick called. You left your wheelchair at the pub.”

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Blakk Frogg received a version of the ‘alcoholic alphabet’ in an email earlier today and found it a little too…. bland. Therefore he added a few things quickly and re-posted it here for your reading pleasure. Enjoy!

A – Alcohol: The key to surviving college, office holiday parties, weddings/funerals of relatives on the other side of your family and to some extent family reunions

B – Beer: Considered the most disgusting alcohol of all by many, but great for chugging and admit it, folks: the taste DOES grow on you after your first funnel

C – Class: What you’re supposed to get up and go to after a Thursday night party and also the thing you no longer have once the fifth shot of Jose Cuervo kicks in

D – Dancing: A favorite pasttime of almost every drunk; usually looks pathetic and involves excessive spin moves, twirls, arm flailing and erratic head jerking motions

E – Emergency: The keg has run dry and you have no one over 21 in your drinking party OR you live in a state where they do not sell alcohol on Sundays

F – Fucked Up: Signified by leaning over a toilet or small shrub puking your guts out and crying to the Heavens to make the world stop rotating so damned fast

G – Games: Anything that involves cards, dice, chugging beers and making fun of other people because they happen to puke… before you do

H – Hangover: Reminds you of how great last night was, how much you drank last night, and why you have only a handful of loose change left in your pocket despite having cashed your paycheck yesterday afternoon

I – Idiot: The guy that spilled his beer on you and everyone else at the party and tried to wash his hands in the fish tank

J – Jail: Where you’ll end up after trying to use a fake ID that expired two years ago or stagger home through the back parking lot of the local police station

K – Kissing: What you’ll do to anything that moves after 15 beers… including the floor if not careful

L – Lord: Person you beg to get you out of every situation involving alcohol and the Person you ask not to let you hook up with anything TOO ugly after drinking five shots of Jager and 6 Irish Car Bombs in under an hour

M – Money: That which you no longer have due to too much partying and paying your friends not to tell anyone about sasquatch you hooked up last Friday night

N – Not Again!: What you scream when you wake up beside someone you don’t know, hope you didn’t sleep with, and hope to God you can avoid waking up while sneaking out of his or house/apartment/room

O – Ouch: What you say while falling on your ass when you’re trying to walk home OR what you say when a friend announces he/she will go home with a hideous companion

P – Pee: What you have to do every five minutes while you’re drinking beer and also the thing that bonds and unites all females at the party and causes them to take group field trips to the rest room all the time

Q – Quilt: What you puked on last night in bed and have to clean in the morning… because you hooked up with a lard ass whose also drunken ass didn’t get out of the way so you could make it to the bathroom in time. Stupid lard ass shoulda’ moved

R – Reform: What you promise God you will do while you’re puking in the toilet or inthe back of your friend’s new car because… the window didn’t go down in time. Stupid window

S – Sex: What you TRIED to do with that person you met last night while you were drunk… but passed out face down in her panties (or his boxers) instead

T – Ten: The number of beers it takes ME to realize there are only two beers left in the 12-pack and that I need to go to the store ASAP

U – Underage: Most of the drinking population at college bars

V – Vodka: The mother of all alcohols because it mixes with pretty much ANYthing and allows inexperienced drinkers to get drunk in less than an hour

W – Worm: The part of Tequila that reminds you of Biology class tomorrow

X – X-Ray: How they can see into your belly before they force a chalk milkshake down your throat and pump your stomach

Y – Yourself: The one who drinks WAY TOO MUCH every weekend and STILL denies that you have ever done all those horrible things that your friend so kindly recorded with his new cellphone camera… Stupid cellphone cameras

Z – Zoned out: What you will be after drinking for 12 hours straight and not eating

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