Blakk Frogg Joke Blog

A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn’t seem to get her tomatoes to turn red.

One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.

The woman asked the gentlemen, “What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?”

The gentlemen responded, “Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden naked in my trench coat and I flash them.

“My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much.”

Well, the woman was so impressed; she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work.

So twice a day for two weeks she flashed her garden hoping for the best.

One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman, “By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?”

“No,” she replied, “but my cucumbers are enormous.”

One day at kindergarten a Teacher said to the class of 5-year-olds, “I’ll give $10 to the child who can tell me who was the most famous man who ever lived.”

A little Irish boy put his hand up and said, “It was St. Patrick.”

The Teacher said, “Sorry Sean, that’s not correct.”

Then a little Scottish boy put his hand up and said, “It was St.Andrew.”

The Teacher replied, “I’m sorry, Hamish, that’s not right either.”

Finally, a little Jewish boy raised his hand and said, “It was Jesus Christ.”

The teacher said, “That’s absolutely right, Marvin. Come up here and I’ll give you the $10.”

As the Teacher was giving Marvin his money, she said, “You know, Marvin, since you’re Jewish, I was very surprised you said ‘Jesus Christ’.”

Marvin replied, “Yeah. In my heart, I knew it was Moses, but business is business.”

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Now if THIS meal does not make ya’ say, “Yum….” then check your pulse ‘cuz we think you might have passed away and not known it.

The combination of bacon, grilled (marinated) chicken breast, fresh sliced jalapenos and provolone cheese kicks major amounts of ass — and can BURN one’s ass the next day if too many jalapenos get used. Ha ha.

Bacon + Chicken + Provolone + Jalapenos = Awesome

Notice we even included a vegetable on the plate this time? Yep. Broccoli works as an excellent side dish with a bacon, chicken and cheese creation.

A woman goes to her boyfriend’s parents’ house for Christmas dinner. This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous.

They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal. The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water ?Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart.

It wasn’t loud, but everyone at the table heard the poof.

Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend’s father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing under the woman’s chair, and said in a rather stern voice, “Skippy!”

The woman thought, “This is great!” and a big smile came across her face.

A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn’t even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer rrrrrip.

The father again looked at the dog and yelled, “Dammit Skippy!”

Once again the woman smiled and thought “Yes!” A few minutes later the woman had to let another rip. This time she didn’t even think about it. She let a fart rip that rivaled a train whistle blowing.

Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, “Dammit Skippy, get away from her, before she shits on you!”

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Moral of the Story: Try not to have a shitty day, OK?

Two Mexicans are riding along Pacific Coast Highway on a motorcycle. They break down and start hitching a ride.

A friendly trucker stops to see if he can help and the Mexicans ask him for a lift.

He tells them he has no room in the truck, as he is carrying 20,000 bowling balls.

The Mexicans ask the driver that if they can manage to fit into the back of the truck with their bike, will he take them and he agrees.

They manage to squeeze themselves and their motorcycle into the back of the truck and the driver shuts the doors and gets off on his way. By this time he is really late and so he steps on the gas

Sure enough the Highway Patrol pulls him over for speeding. The officer asks the driver what he’s carrying to which he replies jokingly, -“Mexican eggs”

The policeman obviously doesn’t believe this, so wants to take a look. He opens the back door and quickly shuts and locks it. He gets on his radio and calls for immediate backup from as many officers as possible.

The dispatcher asks what emergency he has that requires so many officers.

“I’ve got a truck with 20,000 Mexican eggs in it – 2 have hatched and the bastards have managed to steal a motorcycle already.

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A truck driver, hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers, stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar, he sees a big sign on the door that says, “COMPUTER NERDS NOT ALLOWED – ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK!” He enters and sits down.

The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, and says that he smells kind of nerdy. He then asks him what he does for a living. The truck driver explains to him that he drives a truck, and the smell is just from the computers he is hauling. The bartender serves him a beer and says, “OK, truck drivers aren’t nerds.”

As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in wearing a pair of glasses with tape around the middle, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt that is at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver asks him why he did that.

The bartender replied, “Don’t worry. The computer nerds are in season because they are overpopulating Silicon Valley. You don’t even need a license.”

So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads for the freeway. Suddenly, he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the road. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, snatching up all of the computers. The scavengers are comprised of engineers, accountants and programmers – computer geeks. Each of them wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen.

He can’t let them steal his whole load. So remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, killing several of them instantly. A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop.

The truck driver said, “What’s wrong? I thought computer nerds were in season.”

“Well, sure,” says the patrolman, “But you can’t bait ’em!”

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0- Stone cold sober. Brain as sharp as an army bayonet.

1- Still sober. Pleasure senses activated. Feeling of well-being.

2- Beer warming up head. Crisps are ordered. Barmaid complimented on choice of blouse. Barmen complimented on nice trousers.

3- Crossword in newspaper is filled in. After a while blanks are filled with random letters and numbers.

4- Barmaid complimented on choice of bra/Barmen complimented on his boxers. Partially visible when bending to get packets of crisps. Try to instigate conversation about bras. Order half a dozen packets of crisp one by one.

5- Have brilliant discussion with a guy at bar. Devise fool-proof scheme for winning lottery, sort out cricket/tennis/football problems. Agree people are same world over except for the bloody French.

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6- Feel like a Demi-God. Map out rest of life on beer mat. Realise that everybody loves you. Ring up parents and tell them you love them. Ring girlfriend/boyfriend to tell them you love them and they still have an amazing arse.

7- Send drinks over to woman/man sitting at table with boyfriend/girlfriend. No reaction. Scribble out message of love on five beer mats and frisbee them across the room. Boyfriend/girlfriend gets pissed off. You buy him a Long Island Iced Tea.

8- Some slurring. Offer to buy drinks for everyone in room. Lots of people say yes. Go round the pub hugging them one by one. Fall over. Get up.

9- Head-ache kicks in. Beer tastes off. Send it back. Beer comes back tasting same. Say ?that?s much better?. Fight nausea by trying to play poker machine for ten minutes before seeing out of order sign.

10- Some doubling of vision. Stand on table shouting abuse at all four barmen. Talked down by barmen?s wives, who you offer to give a baby to. Fall over. Get up. Fall over. Impale head on corner of table. Fail to notice oozing head wound.

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11- Speech no longer possible. Eventually manage to find door. Sit and take stock. Realise you are sitting in pub cellar, having taken a wrong turn. Vomit. Pass out.

12- Put in taxi by somebody. Give home address. Taken home. Can?t get key in door. Realise you?ve given address of local football club. Generally pleased at way evening has gone. Pass out again.

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A father passing by his son’s bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to “Dad.” With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.

Dear Dad:

It is with great regret and sorrow that I’m writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with mom and you. I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice.

But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her body piercings, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am but its only eight years. But it’s not only the passion…Dad, she’s pregnant.

Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact th at marijuana doesn’t really hurt anyone. We’ll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy. In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it.

Don’t worry Dad. I’m almost 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I’m sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.

Love,

Your Son John

PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I’m over at Tommy’s house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that’s in my center desk drawer. I love you. Call me when it’s safe to come home.

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One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. They each proceeded to buy a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, a fly landed in each of their pints and became stuck in the thick head.

The Englishman pushed his beer from him in disgust.

The Scotsman fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened.

The Irishman picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer and yelled “SPIT IT OUT!! SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!!!”

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A woman in Brooklyn decided to prepare her Will and make her final requests. She told her rabbi she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered all over Bloomingdales.

“Why Bloomingdales?” asked the rabbi.

“Then I’ll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week.”

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