Blakk Frogg Joke Blog

Blakk Frogg has a friend who likes to drink. Yes, it’s true, and recently this friend posted this bulletin on MySpace:

Here is a list of things that I learned in AA (Alcoholics Anonymous) that I found rather amusing. My main reason for posting this is because I am debating on stealing more of Pop’s liquor. I probably won’t, but I’m thinking about it just the same.

1) There is ALWAYS at least one hot chick getting treatment.

2) That hot chick is ALWAYS single.

3) That hot chick is NOT quitting.

4) If you tell nothing but maniacal drinking stories, everyone else in the group will actually try to help you get with the hot chick (proven through countless hot chicks at countless meetings).

5) If you are an alcoholic, you can die by quitting cold turkey. No other addiction can do that to you. (proven fact).

6) Just because you are going to a meeting that has other alcoholics, doesn’t mean they they still want to continue drinking.

7) Talking about “partying” and such is considered “Rude” to people that are actually trying to quit. Why you are talking to someone who wants to give up drinking, I don’t know.

8) If you get caught talking about partying during your treatment, you have to start all over again. Sometimes with more classes.

9) You will meet people from all walks of life. If you are majoring in Sociology, you will enjoy these meetings. If you are not, you can still learn new drinks, new drinking methods, and new ways to hide drinking from those who tell their stories.

10) IT’S EXPENSIVE!!!!! So don’t get caught with a DUI (Driving Under the Influence).

There you go everyone. Now off I go to make myself a Long Island. If I take a little of each, I shouldn’t get caught…. rather than taking one big drink from just one big bottle.

The Champaign, Illinois Police Department, famous for its superior K9 unit, was somewhat taken back by this recent incident.

Returning home from work, a blond was shocked to find her house has been ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond.

As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the woman ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps put her face in her hands and moaned, ‘I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!’

Last name: ________________

(Check appropriate box)
First name-First name:

[_] Billy-Bob [_] Bobby-Sue
[_] Billy-Joe [_] Bobby-Jo
[_] Billy-Ray [_] Bobby-Ann
[_] Billy-Sue [_] Bobby-Lee
[_] Billy-Mae [_] Bobby-Ellen
[_] Billy-Jack [_] Bobby-Beth Ann Sue

Age: ____ (if unsure, guess)
Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ Not sure
Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right
Occupation:
[_] Farmer [_] Mechanic
[_] Hair Dresser [_] Waitress
[_] Un-employed [_] Dirty Politician

Spouse’s Name: __________________________
2nd Spouse’s Name: __________________________
3rd Spouse’s Name: __________________________
Lover’s Name: __________________________
2nd Lover’s Name: __________________________

Relationship with spouse:
[_] Sister [_] Aunt
[_] Brother [_] Uncle
[_] Mother [_] Son
[_] Father [_] Daughter
[_] Cousin [_] Pet

Number of children living in household: ___
Number of children living in shed: ___
Number of children that are yours: ___

Mother’s Name: _______________________
Father’s Name: _______________________(If not sure, leave blank)

Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)

Do you [_] own or [_] rent your mobile home? (Check appropriate box)

Vehicles you own and where you keep them:
___ Total number of vehicles you own
___ Number of vehicles that still crank
___ Number of vehicles in front yard
___ Number of vehicles in back yard
___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks

Number of firearms you own and where you keep them:
____ truck ____ kitchen
____ bedroom ____ bathroom
____ shed

Model and year of your pickup: _____________ 194_

Do you have a gun rack?
[_] Yes [_] No; If no, please explain: _____________

Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
[_] The National Enquirer [_] The Globe
[_] TV Guide [_] Soap Opera Digest
[_] Rifle and Shotgun [_] 4×4 Weekly
[_] Hot Rods & Handguns

___ Number of times you’ve seen a UFO
___ Number of times you’ve seen Elvis
___ Number of times you’ve seen Elvis in a UFO

How often do you bathe:
[_] Weekly
[_] Monthly
[_] Not Applicable

How many teeth? ___
Color of teeth:
[_] Yellow [_] Brownish-Yellow
[_] Brown [_] Black
[_] N/A

Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:
[_] Red-Man

How far is your home from a paved road?
[_] 1 mile
[_] 2 miles
[_] don’t know

Americas Best MySpace Redneck Comments

Blakk Frogg asks, “Do they have a sign which reads ‘Over 1 Billion Served’ as well?”

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A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:

CHEESEBURGER: $1.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH : $2.50
HANDJOB: $10.00

Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive women serving drinks to a meager looking group of men.

“Yes?” she inquires with a knowing smile. “Can I help you?”

“I was wondering,” whispers the man. “Are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?”

“Yes”, she purrs, “I am.”

The man replies “Well, wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger.”

Americas Best MySpace Foods Comments

Blakk Frogg says, “When you think your life is the absolute worst, stop and look around for someone in worse shape than you. If cannot find one, then yes, you’re at the bottom of the barrel.”

= = = = = = = = =

A man who lost one of his arms in an accident became very depressed because he had loved to play the guitar and do a lot of things that took two arms.

One day, he decided to end his life. He got on an elevator and went to the top of a building to jump off.

He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw a man skipping along, whistling and kicking up his heels.. He looked closer and saw this man didn’t have any arms at all.

He started thinking, what am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself, I still have one good arm to do things with. There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk happy and going on with his life.

He hurried down and caught the man with no arms. He told him how glad he was to see him because he had lost one of his arms and felt ugly and useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked him again for saving his life and he knew he could make it with one arm if that guy could go on with no arms.

The man with no arms began dancing and whistling and kicking up his heels again.

He asked him, “Why are you so happy anyway?”

The man said, “I’m NOT happy…. My ass itches!”

Sarcastic MySpace Comments

Although Blakk Frogg doesn’t usually pay attention to a damn thing coming out of a celebrity’s mouth, ‘cuz they usually have nothing useful to say, he will tune in for a minute if they wanna’ talk abour S-E-X!

= = = = = = = = =

“I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy.” –Tom Clancy

“You know “that look” women get when they want sex? Me neither.” –Steve Martin

“Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.” –Woody Allen

“Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.” –Rodney Dangerfield

More Celebrity Sex & Realtionship Quotes:
page 1 | page 2 | page 3 | page 4 | page 5

The body builder takes off his shirt and the blonde says, “What a great chest you have.”

He tells her, “That’s 100 lbs. of dynamite, baby.”

He takes off his pants and the blonde says, “What massive calves you have.”

The body builder tells her, “That’s 100 lbs. of dynamite, baby.”

He then removes his underwear and the blonde goes running out of the apartment screaming in fear. The body builder puts his clothes back on and chases after her.

He catches up to her and asks why she ran out of the apartment like that.

The blonde replies, “I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw how short the fuse was”

Americas Best MySpace Sex Comments

Prior to her trip to Texas, Brittany (a Blonde New Yorker), confided to her co-workers she had three goals for her trip to the Lone Star State:

1. She wanted to taste some real Texas Bar-B-Que.

2. She wanted to take in a bona fide rodeo.

And…

3. She wanted to have sex with a real cowboy.

Upon her return, the girls were curious as to how she fared.

“Let me tell you, they have a tree down there called a Mesquite and when they slow cook that brisket over that Mesquite , it’s ooooh so good. The taste is unbelievable!”

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“And I went to a real rodeo.Talk about athletes…those guys wrestle full grown bulls! They ride horses at a full gallop,then jump off the horses and grab the bull by the horns and throw them to the ground! It is just incredible!”

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They then asked, “Well tell us, did you have sex with a real cowboy?”

“Are you kidding? When I saw the outline of the condom they carry in the back pocket of their jeans, I changed my mind!”

Americas Best MySpace Political Comments

(Allegedly) These are from a book called “Disorder in the Courts of America”. They are things people actually said in court – word for word – taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?

WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

WITNESS: July 18th.

ATTORNEY: What year?

WITNESS: Every year.

WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forget.

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

More Disorder in the Courts of America:
page 1 | page 2 | page 3 | page 4 | page 5

It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost zero when the little blonde got off work. She made her way to her car and wondered how she was going to make it home.

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She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about her situation.

She finally remembered her daddy’s advice that if she got caught in a blizzard she should wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it. That way she would not get stuck in a snow drift.

This made her feel much better and sure enough in a little while a snow plow went by and she started to follow it. As she followed the snow plow she was feeling very smug as they continued and she was not having any problem with the blizzard conditions.

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After an hour had passed, she was somewhat surprised when the snowplow stopped and the driver got out and came back to her car and signaled for her to roll down her window. The snow plow driver wanted to know if she was all right as she had been following him for a long time.

She said that she was fine and told him of her daddy’s advice to follow a snow plow when caught in a blizzard.

The driver replied that it was ok with him and she could continue if she wanted, but he was done with the Wal-Mart parking lot and was going over to Sears next.

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