Blakk Frogg Joke Blog

Dear Abby,

I am a crack dealer in Council Bluffs who has recently been diagnosed as a carrier of the HIV virus. My parents live in a suburb of Des Moines and one of my sisters, who lives in Ames, is married to a transvestite.

My father and mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana. They are financially dependent on my other two sisters, who are prostitutes in Iowa City.

I have two brothers. One is currently serving a non-parole life sentence in Bettendorf for the murder of a teenage boy in 1994. My other brother is currently in jail awaiting trial on charges of sexual misconduct with his three children.

I have recently become engaged to marry a former prostitute who lives in Davenport. She is still a part time ‘working girl’.

All things considered, my problem is this. I love my fiance and look forward to bringing her into the family. I certainly want to be totally open and honest with her.

Should I tell her about my cousin who is a Cornhusker fan?

Signed,

Worried About My Reputation

==========================

Dear Worried,

Can I have your sisters’ phone number?

Signed,

Abby’s Husband

———-

More Sarcasm and Jokes.

A teacher asks her class, “If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?” She calls on little TONY.

He replies, “None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.”

The teacher replies, “The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.”

Then little TONY says, “I have a question for YOU.

There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:

One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.

Which one is married?”

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, “Well, I suppose the one that’s gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.”

To which Little TONY replied, “The correct answer is ‘the one with the wedding ring on,” but I like your thinking.”

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Little TONY goes to school, and the teacher says, “Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?”

TONY says “Mas-tur-bate.”

Miss Rogers smiles and says, “Wow, little TONY, that’s a mouthful.”

Little TONY says, “No, Miss Rogers, you’re thinking of a blowjob.”

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Little TONY was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, “Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!”

The teacher replied, ‘Now, TONY, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is ‘urinate.’

Please use the word ‘ur-i-nate’ in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go.”

Little TONY, thinks for a bit, and then says, “You’re an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you’d be a TEN!”

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One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word “beautiful” in the same sentence twice.

First, she called! on little Suzie, who responded with, “My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it.”

“Very good, Suzie,” replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.

“My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully.”

She said, “Excellent, Michael!” Then the teacher reluctantly called on little TONY.

“Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said ‘Beautiful, just fucking beautiful!'”

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I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much.

And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing.

I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed.

Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says “I don’t feel like it, I just want you to hold me.”

I said “WHAT??!! What was that?!”

So she says the words that every man on the planet dreads to hear… “You’re just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.”

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, “Can’t you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?”

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her.

We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big unnamed department store.

I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits.

She couldn’t decide which one to take so I told her we’d just buy them all.

She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit.

We went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings.

Let me tell you… she was so excited.

She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck.

I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn’t even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, “That’s fine, honey.”

She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.

Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, “I think this is all dear, let’s go to the cashier.”

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, “No honey, I don’t feel like it.”

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, “WHAT?!?”

I then said “Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for awhile. You’re just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.”

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, “Why can’t you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?”

Apparently I’m not having sex tonight either.

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Two little potatoes are standing on the street corner. One is a prostitute.

How can you tell which one is the prostitute?

Hold on…

You’re gonna love it…

It’s the one with the little sticker that says…

I – DA – HO

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How many animals can you fit into a pair of pantyhose?

10 little piggies, 2 calves, 1 ass, an unknown number of hares and… 1 pussy.

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While many people have found love, happiness and contentment in their current relationship, Blakk Frogg would now like to address THE REST of the world who, like him, seems to suck at dating:

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And no, this does NOT mean Blakk Frogg gets hookers.  Not unless you count that time he paid your mom $17 to suck the poison out of a snakebite…..

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After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve. “So, how is everything going?” inquired God.

“It’s all so beautiful, God,” Eve replied. “The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights — everything is so wonderful; but I have just one problem. It’s these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They’re a real pain,” reported Eve.

Eve went on to tell God that, since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc., she felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more “symmetrically balanced”.

“That’s a fair point,” replied God. “But it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away.” And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes.

Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden. “Well, Eve, how is my favorite creation?”

“Just fantastic,” she replied, “except for one oversight. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has a bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone.”

God thought for a minute, and said, “You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you. Now, let’s see … where did I put that useless boob?”

Now doesn’t that make more sense than that story about the rib?

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