Blakk Frogg Joke Blog

One Sunday morning, everyone in one bright, beautiful, tiny town got up early and went to the local church.

Before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking about their lives, their families, etc. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon everyone was evacuated from the church, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving… seemingly oblivious to the fact that God’s ultimate enemy was in his presence.

Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, “Don’t you know who I am?”

The man replied, “Yep, sure do.”

Satan asked, “Aren’t you afraid of me?”

“Nope, sure ain’t,” said the man.

Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, “Why aren’t you afraid of me?”

The man calmly replied, “Been married to your sister for over 48 years.”

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 now & we don’t know where the hell she is!

The only reason I would take up jogging is so I could hear heavy breathing again.

I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven’t lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up?

I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I’m doing.

I don’t exercise at all. If God meant us to touch our toes, he would have put them further up our body.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

I don’t jog… it makes the ice jump right out of my glass.

Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car (a Grand Caravan) along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident.

The mind numbing question is: Who was the survivor?

Scroll down for the answer…

The perfect woman survived. She’s the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man. Women stop reading here. That is the end of the joke.

Men keep’a scrollin’…

So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. And that explains why there was a car accident. By the way, if you’re a woman and you’re reading this, this illustrates another point:

Women never listen, either.

A telegram delivery man rings the bell to deliver his next telegram. An old woman answers and says “Oh goody! A singing telegram. I’ve always wanted to get one of these.”

The delivery man replies, “I’m sorry ma’am but this isn’t a singing telegram, it’s just a regular telegram.”

The woman, obviously disappointed, sighs and says, “Couldn’t you sing it to me anyway? I’m 91 years old and this may be my last chance to get a singing telegram?”

The delivery man says, “No ma’am, it’s not the kind of telegram you sing, and I don’t sing very well anyway.”

The woman pleads and pleads with him, “Please, please sing me telegram…”

The man finally gives in and starts-up, “Da-da-de-dum-dum-dum… Your sister Rose is dead…”

Regardless of where you stand on the issue of the U.S. involvement in Iraq, here’s a sobering statistic:

There has been a monthly average of 160,000 troops in the Iraq theatre of operations during the last 22 months, and a total of 2,112 deaths.

That gives a firearm death rate of 60 per 100,000 soldiers.

The firearm death rate in Washington D.C. is 80.6 per 100,000 persons for the same period.

That means that you are about 25% more likely to be shot and killed in the U.S. Capital than you are in Iraq.

Conclusion: The U.S. should pull out of Washington DC.

If you want someone who will eat whatever you put in front of him and never says its not quite as good as his mother made it…

Then buy a dog.

If you want someone always willing to go out, at any hour, for as long and wherever you want …..

Then buy a dog.

If you want someone who will never touch the remote, doesn’t care about football, and can sit next to you as you watch romantic movies ……

Then buy a dog.

If you want someone who is content to get up on your bed just to warm your feet and whom you can push off if he snores …

Then buy a dog.

If you want someone who never criticizes what you do, doesn’t care if you are pretty or ugly, fat or thin, young or old, who acts as if every word you say is especially worthy of listening to, and loves you unconditionally, perpetually …..

Then buy a dog.

But, on the other hand, if you want someone who will never come when you call, ignores you totally when you come home, leaves hair all over the place, walks all over you, runs around all night and only comes home to eat and sleep, and acts as if your entire existence is solely to ensure his happiness…..

Wait for it….

Americas Best MySpace Comments

then buy a cat!

Little Johnny goes to class one day to find that he has a substitute teacher. As the class gets settled, the teacher writes her name on the board and says, “My name is Ms. Prussy, that’s P-R-U-S-S-Y.”Some of the kids in class snicker and she says sharply, “That’s WITH an R!”

So class goes by and the kids come to school the next day and there is the substitute again. She stands up in front of the class and says, “Okay students, who can remember my name? And don’t forget the R!” About five hands go up and Dirty Johnny is one of them. He is jumping up and down trying to get her attention.

The teacher says, Okay Johnny, what is my name?”

To this Johnny replies, “Ms. Crunt, C-R-U-N-T!!”

A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends. Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch. They discovered that they both brought chicken sandwiches every day! This went on all through the fourth and fifth grades, until one day he noticed that her sandwich wasn’t a chicken sandwich.

He said, “Hey, how come you’re not eating chicken, don’t you like it anymore?”

She said “I love it but I have to stop eating it.”

“Why?” he asked.

She pointed to her lap and said “Cause I’m starting to grow little feathers down there!”

“Let me see” he said.

“Okay,” and she pulled up her skirt.

He looked and said, “That’s right. You are! Better not eat any more chicken.”

He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought peanut butter. He said to the little girl, “I have to stop eating chicken sandwiches, too. I’m starting to get feathers down there too!”

She asked if she could look, so he pulled down his pants for her.

She said, “Oh my God! It’s too late for you! You’ve already got the NECK and GIZZARDS!!!”

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A cocky representative from the Department of Agriculture representative stopped at a farm and said to the farmer, “I’m here to inspect your farm.”

The old farmer said “OK, but whatever you do, don’t go in the field on the left.”

The Agriculture representative said, “Look mister, I have the authority of the U. S. Government with me. See this card? This card means I am allowed to go WHEREVER I wish, WHENEVER I wish, on ANY agricultural land, no questions asked or answered. Do you understand, THAT?”

The farmer nodded politely and went about his farm chores. Later, he heard loud screams and saw the D of A Rep running for the fence, his briefcase and papers flying like confetti. Close behind was the farmer’s huge-horned prize bull, which was mad as a nest of hornets. The bull was gaining on the Rep at every step and the Rep started screaming like a girl.

The Old farmer yelled, “Show HIM your card!”

A little late, yeah sure, but…

Ready for another fun and exciting ‘popular myspace comments’ update from the infamous Blakk Frogg? He hopes so, ‘cuz he sacrificed valuable beer drinking time to put this list together…. So you better enjoy the most popular Motivational MySpace Comments for December 2008!

MySpaceSarcasm.Com: Armpit or Crotch???

MySpaceSarcasm.Com: Your Cybersex Partner

MySpaceSarcasm.Com: Drugs Make You Dance Better

MySpaceSarcasm.Com: Awful Truth About Lesbianism

MySpaceSarcasm.Com: Emo is Like Goth

Now if any you have any questions, too damn bad. Blakk Frogg doesn’t have time for them. In other words, piss off! 😛 And don’t forget to visit MySpace Sarcasm to see the latest additions!