Blakk Frogg Joke Blog

A rural Texas farmer’s wife came home and found her husband in bed with another woman.

She was so mad – she grabbed him by the hair of his head and yanked him right out of bed and across the room. She dragged him down the stairs, out the back door, and into the tool shed out back of the barn.

She put his tally-whacker in a vice, and then secured it tightly and removed the handle. Next she picked up an old rusty saw.

The banged up farmer was terrified, and hollered, “Stop! Stop! you’re not gonna’ cut it off with that rusty damn saw, are you?”

The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, put the saw in her cheating husband’s hand and said, “Nope. I’m gonna’ set this old shed on fire, and go to town for a cold beer. You do what you gotta’ do!!!”

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Some days a guy can really luck out, ya’ know? Take the other day, for example. After a long 10-hour day of slaving away at the office and then fighting traffic on my way home for an hour and a half I dropped all my sh#t in the front hallway of my home, marched directly towards the kitchen to get a beer and saw… this… along the way.

A Beautiful Bounty of Bacon

Apparently my girlfriend went shopping earlier and got us some presents. I love Christmas! Wait… Didn’t we celebrate that a month or so ago? I don’t care! I see bacon!

They need to create a bacon-centric Holiday so that we bacon lovers can rejoice and share the gift of bacon with our fellow bacon believers. I don’t think I’ll live to SEE the day when a standard issue office calendar has Bacon Day listed as an official government Holiday or ever have a chance to walk through a Hallmark Store and browse through Bacon Day greeting cards, but perhaps my children will.

Getting back to the bacon on the table though, wow! A beautiful bounty of bacon… and things get better! Not only did she purchase a perfect pile of pork products, she already had some laid in a frying pan ready to cook! She also had a cold beer for me in her hand!

Man oh man. A cold beer and all that beautiful bacon. Talk about awesome, right? Totally awesome. Love at first sight.

Oh, and as for the girlfriend, I think I’ll keep her around a little while longer.

Abu al-Zarqawi died and George Washington met him at the Pearly Gates.
George reached back like a pimp, slapped him across the face, and yelled, “How dare you try to destroy the nation I helped conceive!”

Patrick Henry approached, drew back his fist, punched him in the nose, and shouted, “You wanted to end our liberties but you failed!”

James Madison followed, kicked him in the groin, and said, “This is why I allowed our government to provide for the common defense!”

Thomas Jefferson then beat al-Zarqawi with a long cane and snarled, “It was Evil men like you who inspired me to write the Declaration of Independence!”

The beatings and thrashings continued as George Mason, James Monroe, and 66 other early Americans unleashed their anger on the terrorist Leader.

As al-Zarqawi lay bleeding profusely and in excruciating pain, an Angel appeared.

Al- Zarqawi wept and with blood in his teeth said, “This is not what you promised me…”

The Angel replied softly, “I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you in Heaven. What did you think I said?”

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Every once in a great while we get the urge to combine bacon with… pretty much anything we can get our hands on. This time we drank a few too many screwdrivers (that’s vodka and OJ… in case you didn’t know) BEFORE breakfast and thought, “Hey! Wrap the hashbrown thingies in bacon… and bake!”

“Yes, Sir, Captain Belvedere! That sounds like a GREAT idea!”

* burp *

Bacon Wrapped Hashbrowns

The house started to smell pretty good as the slippery meat slowly drained its meaty juices into the hashbrowns and the hasbrowns drank up every drop.

Wow. That sounded pretty obscene.

But anyways, the cooking took place and soon we ventured back to the oven which we keep over near the fridge — the fridge that conveniently held the vodka and OJ. After doling out another round of 22 ounce pre-breakfast brain bashers and giving them a hearty taste test, we opened up the oven and saw…

Bacon Wrapped Hashbrowns

Needless to say we did not get the results we thought we would, but everything turned out OK in the end… ‘cuz it tasted fine and we had no choice BUT to eat the stuff since we had nothing else in the house worth eating and none of us could pass a sobriety test if we got pulled over.

All this before 9 AM. Saturdays ROCK!

We write this blog entry for the REAL motherfroggers out there in Bacon Land… for the HARDWORKING bastards (like us) who just can’t seem to catch a break these days.

The other week we ran into some serious financial woes and found ourselves scrounging for change in the sofa cushions and having to actually plan our meals instead of just opening the fridge/freezer, picking a bacon, selecting a ’side item’, cooking and eating.

Below you will see chicken breasts that we cut into smaller, no longer man-sized portions, and wrapped w/ a few slices of black pepper bacon we had left over from a previous bacon feast.

Pepper Bacon Wrapped Chicken Chunks

Though we did feel incredibly grateful that we at least had food to eat, making what you see in the photo last for 2 dinners and 2 lunches really sucked. Thankfully we had lots of crack cocaine to smoke between meals so we never felt any hunger pains. LOL.

The other day a friend sent us a picture that made our mouths water more than normal. And yes, you dumbass, the picture had bacon in it.

Bacon Wrapped Scallops at Buck Ridge Plantation

Now just imagine getting a picture of a TROUGH filled w/ bacon-wrapped scallops — after you’d just finished eating a lame ass, generic brand hot dog. Granted the hot dog had a jacket of bacon, but still… Scallops trump hot dog ANY damn day!

WTF is Buck Ridge Plantation?

So glad you asked! Our friends tell us people travel from all over the SC area to go there, stay for a few days, and do some serious deer hunting… or they go there for a wedding. LOL.

Seriously, though. The place has a ton of natural, South Carolina wilderness surrounding well-maintained, modern banquet halls and stuff. Clearly an ideal place to have a beautiful wedding — or blast a hole in some of Mother Nature’s best woodland creatures — and kick back with a bucket of bacon-wrapped scallops and cold beer!

“Except For Ending Slavery, Fascism, Nazism and Communism, WAR has Never Solved Anything.”

“U.S. Marines – Certified Counselors to the 72 Virgins Dating Club.”

“Water-boarding is out so kill them all!”

“Interrogators can’t water-board dead guys”

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“U.S. Marines – Travel Agents To Allah”

“Stop Global Whining”

“When In Doubt, Empty The Magazine”

“Navy seals – When It Absolutely, Positively Has To Be Destroyed Overnight”

“Death Smiles At Everyone – Delta Force Smile Back”

“Army Sniper – You can run, but you’ll just die tired!”

“What Do I Feel When I Kill A Terrorist? A Little Recoil”

“Marines – Providing Enemies of America an Opportunity To Die For their Country Since 1775”

“Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Anyone Who Threatens It”

Americas Best Comments

“Happiness Is A Belt-Fed Weapon”

“It’s God’s Job to Forgive Bin Laden – It’s Our Job To Arrange The Meeting”

“Artillery Brings Dignity to What Would Otherwise Be Just A Vulgar Brawl”

“One Shot, Twelve Kills – U.S. Naval Gun Fire Support”

“Do Draft-Dodgers Have Reunions? If So, What Do They Talk About?”

“My Kid Fought In Iraq So Your Kid Can Party In College”

“Machine Gunners – Accuracy By Volume”

“A Dead Enemy Is A Peaceful Enemy – Blessed Be The Peacemakers”

“If You Can Read This, Thank A Teacher. If You Can Read It In English, Thank A Veteran”

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Everyone knows we love bacon and that we judge all things solely on their bacon content. OK, so not all things, but it almost sounded believable for a minute, right?

At any rate, when you go out for lunch and order a sandwich with bacon in it, you expect to get real bacon, not some lame excuse for bacon. Limp, greasy strips of mystery ‘meat’ need not apply!

So it should come as no surprise that we frequent a hot little lunch spot called Four Moons Internet Cafe in Orangeburg, SC because it has the best looking and tasting bacon of ANY lunch spot in the area. They use good quality Applewood Bacon and cook it just right so that you get a perfect crispiness-to-meatiness ratio when you bite into your sandwich.

Need proof? We thought you would, so we asked the proprietor to snap us a picture of the bacon they use before it goes on a sandwich. Check it out!

Great Lookin’ Applewood Bacon at Four Moons Internet Cafe

Damn… Judging by the amount of drooling going on right now, it seems as though lunch plans just got made for tomorrow! Hope to see ya’ there!

Advice for Other Lunch Shops:

• See the bacon above? If you bacon doesn’t like as good or better, then your sandwiches will suck moose crap!

• No deli should even consider calling itself ‘Gourmet’ unless they take as much care and concern for the quality of the bacon they top a sandwich with as they do all the other ingredients. No one cares about a sandwich made w/ fresh bread or a fancy mustard spread if the bacon sucks, ya’ dig?

• A lot more people judge a deli by its bacon than you think. Know why? Because delis charge extra for it and 99.9% of people inthis world pay close attention to the things they have to pay extra for. Think about it!

• Go have lunch at Four Moons Internet Cafe, enjoy your meal, and while you’re there… try learn a thing or two about the proper usage of bacon on a sandwich, will ya’?

As would only make sense on a web site devoted to bacon and all its salty, meaty goodness… we will now present the most popular entries on More Bacon Please for the month of December. So get your bibs on, people! It’s BACON TIME!

• Duck Prosciutto Wrapped Melon Sorbet — Talk about a delicious idea! Not bacon, no, but contained meat and tasted so good we gave it an Honorary Bacon Degree!

• Breakfast Meats Cure Hangovers — Groundbreaking new study ‘proves’ something we always suspected.

• Have a Threesome With Bacon — Get your minds out of the gutter, people! You should feel ashamed that you had those dirty, dirty thoughts… though we had them, too, so…

• Bacon Flavored Ice Cream — Although we do not approve of this product, we do approve of the word bacon in its title and on its ingredients list. We just refuse to eat bacon flavored ice cream.

• The Better Bacon Sandwich — Time to decide which sandwich with bacon you would choose. Granted we think it a sin to EVER pass up a chance to eat bacon, but just pretend for a minute that you HAD to choose only on sandwich that had bacon on it… We said pretend, damn it!

And this entry gets honorable mention… ‘cuz WE liked it even if the rest of you didn’t!

• Bacon Wrapped Kielbasa Links — Do we REALLY need to explain WHY we liked this entry so much? Huh? Do we? Bacon… Kielbasa… Mmmmm…

2009 has come and gone just as all the years before it and at various times throughout 2009 everyone laughed, cried, held their breath at times, panicked a bit, flew off the handle a few dozen times. . . and maybe some of you lucky bastards even got laid a few times.

In honor of last year’s timely demise, Blakk Frogg will now reveal the most popular Blakk Frogg Joke Blog Postings for the Filthy-Minded Masses. Enjoy!

• Potato Prostitute?
• Sarcastic Motivational Posters
• Dirty-Minded MySpace Comment Pictures
• Seven Types of Sex
• Cheerleader Spin the Bottle
• Carolina Panthers Cheerleader Booty
• Dear Abby Bass Fishing Letter
• Humor for Mature Minded Individuals
• Funny Jokes for Adults
• Love the Harley Davidson

Well we hope you enjoyed 2009’s most popular perversions and will continue to tune into Da’ Blakk Frogg Joke Blog in 2010… ‘cuz we promise to keep posting stuff you will most likely deny ever reading!

Oh, and before we go, you really should Click Here to See Me Naked. Ha ha…