Blakk Frogg Joke Blog

Listed below please find the names and symptoms of a few dangerous computer viruses you should watch out for:

THE GEORGE BUSH — Causes your computer to think it won the election, even though the mother-board and father-board bought it.

THE AL GORE — Causes your computer to just keep counting.

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THE CLINTON — Gives you a 7-Inch Hard Drive with NO memory.

THE BOB DOLE (AKA: VIAGRA) — Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.

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THE LEWINSKY — Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then emails everyone about what it did.

THE RONALD REAGAN — Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored.

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THE MIKE TYSON — Quits after two bytes.

THE OPRAH WINFREY — Your 300 mb hard drive shrinks to 100 mb, then slowly expands to re-stabilize around 200mb.

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THE JACK KEVORKIAN — Deletes all old files.

THE PROZAC — Totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn’t care.

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THE JESSE JACKSON — Warns you constantly about illegitimate file reproduction, while illegitimately reproducing files in the background.

THE JOEY BUTTAFUOCO — Only attacks minor files.

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THE ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER — Terminates some files, leaves, but will be back.

THE LORENA BOBBITT — Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy, then discards it through Windows.

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Two priests are off to the showers late one night. They undress and step into the showers before they realize there is no soap. Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress. He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand and heads back to the showers.

He is halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way. Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like he’s a statue.

The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks. The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls on his penis. Startled, he drops a bar of soap.

“Oh look,” says the first nun. “It’s a soap dispenser.”

To test her theory the second nun also pulls on his manhood. Sure enough, he drops the second bar of soap.

Amazed, the third nun decides to have a go. She pulls once, then twice and three times, but nothing happens. Frustrated, she gives several more tugs… then yells… “Holy Mary, Mother of God! It’s a HAND LOTION DISPENSER TOO!”

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Two gay guys take a walk through a zoo.

They come across the gorilla and notice that the male gorilla has a massive erection. The gay men are fascinated by this.

One of the men just can’t bear it any longer and he reaches into the cage to touch it.

The gorilla grabs him, drags him into the cage and mates with him for six hours, non-stop, while the zoo attendants helplessly stand by…. When he’s done, the gorilla throws the man out of the cage.

An ambulance is called and the man is taken away to the hospital.

A few days later, his friend visits him in the hospital and asks, “Are you hurt?”

“AM I HURT?” he shouts, “Wouldn’t you be? He hasn’t called…. He hasn’t written….”

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This is important and worth the time to read! Warning! Be careful if you eat at “RED LOBSTER RESTAURANTS”.

A young woman was having a meal at the restaurant and suddenly began to experience intense chest pains. Nothing her friends or the restaurant personnel did would relieve the pain.

“911” was called and an ambulance was sent and the woman was transported to a nearby hospital where doctors removed the women’s blouse.

As soon as this was done, emergency room personnel were able to properly diagnose the cause of the pain:

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A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk.

When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons, so he knocked on the door to clarify the point

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, “I found your note to leave 15 gallons of milk, did you mean 1.5 gallons?”

The blonde said, “I want 15 gallons. I’m going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath.”

The milkman asked, “Do you want it Pasteurized?”

The blonde replied, “No, just up to my boobs, I can splash it in my eyes.”

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Quick and easy and so delicious!

Here is a chicken recipe that also includes the use of popcorn as a stuffing – imagine that.

When I found this recipe, I thought it was perfect for people like me, who just are not sure how to tell when poultry is thoroughly cooked, but not dried out. Give this a try:

BAKED STUFFED CHICKEN

• 6-7 lb. Chicken
• 1 cup melted butter
• 1 cup stuffing (Pepperidge Farm is good.)
• 1 cup uncooked popcorn (ORVILLE REDENBACHER’S LOW FAT). Add salt/pepper to taste.

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Brush chicken well with melted butter, salt, and pepper. Fill cavity with stuffing and popcorn. Place in baking pan with the neck end toward the back of the oven.

Listen for the popping sounds.

When the chicken’s ass blows the oven door open and the chicken flies across the room, it’s done.

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8 things you’ll never hear a man say:

8) Here honey, you use the remote.

7) You know, I’d like to see her again, but her breasts are just too big.

6) Ooh, Antonio Banderas AND Brad Pitt? That’s one movie I gotta see!

5) While I’m up, can I get you anything?

4) Sex isn’t that important, sometimes I just want to be held.

3) Aww, forget Monday night football, let’s watch Melrose Place.

2) Hey, let me hold your purse while you try that on.

1) We never talk anymore.

8 things you’ll never hear a woman say:

8) What do you mean today’s our anniversary?

7) Can we not talk to each other tonight? I’d rather just watch TV.

6) Ohh, this diamond is way to big!

5) Can our relationship get a little more physical? I’m tired of being ‘just friends’

4) Honey, does this outfit make my butt look too small?

3) Aww, don’t stop for directions, I’m sure you’ll be able to figure out how to get there.

2) I don’t care if it’s on sale, 300 dollars is way to much for a designer dress.

1) Hey, pull my finger!

A woman rubbed a bottle and out popped a genie.

The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes. The genie said, “Nope, sorry, three-wish genies are a storybook myth. I’m a one-wish genie. So…what’ll it be?”

The woman did not hesitate. She said, “I want peace in the Middle East . See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love the Jews and Americans and vice-versa. It will bring about world peace and harmony.”

The genie looked at the map and exclaimed, “Lady, be reasonable. These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I’m out of shape after being in a bottle for five hundred years…I’m good but not THAT good! I don’t think it can be done. Make another wish and please be reasonable.”

The woman thought for a minute and said, “Well, I’ve never been able find the right man. You know – one that’s considerate and fun, likes to cook and help with the house cleaning, is great in bed, and gets along with my family, doesn’t watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That is what I wish for… a good man.”

The genie let out a sigh and said, “Let me see the fucking map again.”

————-

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Although Blakk Frogg has the utmost respect for the fat man in the red suit, he does think the old boy could use a little amusement on his one night of worldwide travel…

1. Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.

2. While he’s in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket.

3. Leave him a note, explaining that you’ve gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.

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4. While he’s in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly.

5. Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit!

6. Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that say “We hate Christmas,” and “Go away Santa.”

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7. Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home.

8. Throw a surprise party for Santa when he comes down the chimney. Refuse to let him leave until the strippers arrive.

9. While he’s in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon as he comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldn’t have missed that last payment, and take off.

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10. Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk out, with a note that says, “For The Tooth Fairy. :)” Leave another plate out with half a stale cookie and a few drops of skim milk in a dirty glass with a note that says, “For Santa. :(“

11. Take everything out of your house as if it’s just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, “Well, well. They always return to the scene of the crime.”

12. Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections.

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13. While he’s in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed wire.

14. Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where Santa’s sure to see them. Go outside, yell, “Ooh! Look! A deer! And he’s got a red nose!” and fire a gun.

15. Leave Santa a note, explaining that you’ve moved. Include a map with unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new house.

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16. Set a bear trap at the bottom of the chimney. Wait for Santa to get caught in it, and then explain that you’re sorry, but from a distance, he looked like a bear.

17. Leave out a Santa suit, with an attached dry-cleaning bill.

18. Paint “hoof-prints” all over your face and clothes. While he’s in the house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up, act like you’ve been “trampled.” Threaten to sue for personal injury.

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19. Instead of ornaments, decorate your tree with Easter eggs.

20. Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa to come and then say, “This neighborhood ain’t big enough for the both of us…”

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As I walked down a busy sidewalk in the middle afternoon, already late for an important meeting, I spotted one of those unfortunate, homeless vagabonds now found in pretty much every city these days.

Wearing what I can only describe as tattered rags and carrying every worldly possession in two plastic bags, this poor soul’s pitiful condition pulled heavy on my heart strings.

Some people turned to stare while others quickly looked away as if the sight, itself, would somehow contaminate them.

Recalling the words once spoken by a priest I’d read about many years ago, a man who’d made an admonition to ‘care for the sick, feed the hungry and clothe the naked’. His words echoed in my head I was moved by some powerful inner urge to reach out to this unfortunate person.

Yes, where some people saw only rags, I saw a deep, hidden beauty. A small voice inside my head called out to me and said, “Reach out, reach out!”

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And so I did…

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I wonder if the priest went through this?