Blakk Frogg Joke Blog

Two men are out ice fishing at their favorite fishing hole, just fishing quietly and drinking their ice cold beers.

Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Bob says, “I think I’m going to divorce my wife – she hasn’t spoken to me in over 2 months.”

Earl continues slowly sipping his beer, then thoughtfully says, “You better think it over. Women like that are hard to find.”

The other night I was invited out for a night with “the girls.” I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, “I promise!”

Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed…3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos =MIDNIGHT!)

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him “Midnight”. He didn’t seem mad at all. Whew! Got away with that one!

Then he said, “We need a new cuckoo clock.”

When I asked him, “Why?” he said, “Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, “Oh Shit”, cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it’s throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.”

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A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o’clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door.

The man gets up and goes to the door, where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

“Not a chance,” says the husband, “it is 3 o’clock in the morning!

He slams the door and returns to bed.

“Who was that?” asked his wife.

“Just some drunk guy asking for a push,” he answers.

“Did you help him?” she asks.

“No, I did not, it’s 3 o’clock in the morning and it is pouring out there!”

“Well, you have a short memory,” says his wife. “Can’t you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!”

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.

He calls out into the dark, “Hello, are you still there?”

“Yes” comes back the answer.

“Do you still need a push?” calls out the husband.

“Yes, please!” comes the reply from the dark.

“Where are you?” asks the husband.

“Over here on the swing!” replies the drunk.

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Hillary Clinton was out jogging one morning along the parkway when she tripped and fell over the bridge
railing and landed in the creek below.

Before the Secret Service guys could get to her, 3 kids who were fishing pulled her out of the water. She was so grateful she offered the kids whatever they wanted.

The 1st kid said, “I want to go to Disneyland.”

Hillary said, “No problem, I’ll take you there on my special Senator’s airplane.”

The 2nd kid said, “I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan’s.”

Hillary said, “I’ll get them for you and even have Michael sign them!”

The 3rd kid said, “I want a motorized wheelchair with a built in TV and stereo headset!”

Hillary was a little perplexed by this and said, “But you don’t look like you’re handicapped.”

The kid said, “I will be after my dad finds out I saved your ass.”

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After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn’t want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. “A less costly alternative,” said the doctor, “is to go home, get a cherry bomb,” (fireworks are legal in Alabama) “light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10.”

The Alabamian said to the doctor, “I may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but I don’t see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.”

“Trust me,” said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count:

“1”

“2”

“3”

“4”

“5”

At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Tennessee, Kentucky, Arkansas, Mississippi, and West Virginia.

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Nothing says family like a nice discussion of boobies and willies at the dinner table. Blakk Frogg believes The following joke proves that:

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobies are there?

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The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, there’s three kinds of breasts.

In her twenties, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions.

“Onions?” the son asks.

“Yes, you see them and they make you cry”

This infuriated his wife and daughter, so the daughter said, “Mum, how many kinds of ‘willies’ are there?”

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, “Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his twenties, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree.”

“A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks.

“Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only.”

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Blakk Frogg has yet to see the movie about gay cowboys. He has, however, heard so much about it in the news over the past months that the following email made him shoot beer out of his nose when he read it:

Top Ten Old West Phrases That Will Never Sound The Same After That Damned Gay Cowboy Movie . . . .

1. “I’m gonna pump you fulla lead!”

2. “Give me a stiff one, barkeep!”

3. “Don’t fret—I’ve been in tight spots before.”

4. “Howdy, pardner.”

5. You stay here while I sneak around from behind.”

6. Two words: “Saddle Sore.”

7. “Hold it right there! Now, move your hand, reeeal slow-like.”

8. “Let’s mount up!”

9. “Nice spread ya got there!”

10. “Ride’em cowboy!”

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Every once in a great while someone posts a joke about blondes that does NOT put them down. Blakk Frogg now offers you one such joke:

Bubba and Junior were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. A blonde lady walked by and asked what they were doing. “We’re supposed to find the height of the flagpole,” said Bubba, “but we don’t have a ladder.”

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement & announced, “Eighteen feet, six inches,” and walked away.

Junior shook his head and laughed. “Ain’t that just like a dumb blonde? We ask for the height, and she gives us the length!”

P.S. Bubba and Junior are currently supervising the reconstruction of New Orleans.

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Go ahead and get it out of the way by saying, “Blakk Frogg! You shouldn’t post such blasphemous things!”

That way Blakk Frogg can say, “Bite Me! Learn to take a damn joke!”

Now read the joke below:

Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better on the computer. They had been going at it for days, and frankly God was tired of hearing all the bickering.

Finally fed up, God said, “THAT’S IT! I have had enough. I am going to set up a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I will judge who does the better job.”

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.

They “moused”.

They faxed.

They e-mailed.

They e-mailed with attachments.

They downloaded.

They did spreadsheets.

They wrote reports.

They created labels and cards.

They created charts and graphs.

They did some genealogy reports.

They did every job known to man.

Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than hell.

Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the power went off.

Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed.

Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted their computers.

Satan started searching frantically, screaming, “It’s gone! It’s all GONE! I lost everything when the power went out!”

Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours of work.

Satan observed this and became irate. “Wait!” he screamed. “That’s not fair! He cheated! How come he has all his work and I don’t have any?”

God just shrugged and said, “JESUS SAVES.”

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Blakk Frogg believes all creatures great and small have ways in which they remind themselves of what constitutes ‘appropriate behavior’. See below for a list of self-help hints stolen from a strung out, crack-addicted French Poodle named Henry:

1. I will not eat the cats’ food before they eat it or after they throw it up.

2. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc., just because I like the way they smell.

3. The Litter Box is not a cookie jar.

4. The sofa is not a ‘face towel’.

5. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.

6. I will not play tug-of-war with Dad’s underwear when he’s on the toilet.

7. Sticking my nose into someone’s crotch is an unacceptable way of saying “hello”.

8. I don’t need to suddenly stand straight up when I’m under the coffee table.

9. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house – not after.

10. I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt.

11. I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch.

12. The cat is not a ‘squeaky toy’ so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it’s usually not a good thing.

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