Blakk Frogg Joke Blog

A woman walking down the street when was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked her for a couple of dollars for dinner.

She took out her wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, “If I give you this money, will you buy some wine with it instead of dinner?”

“No, I had to stop drinking years ago,” the homeless woman told her.

“Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?” she asked.

“No, I don’t waste time shopping,” the homeless woman said. “I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.”

“Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?” she asked.

“Are you NUTS!” replied the homeless woman. “I haven’t had my hair done in 20 years!”

“Well,” the woman said, “I’m not going to give you the money. Instead, I’m going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight. “

This shocked the homeless woman. “Won’t your husband be furious with you for doing that? I mean, like, I know I’m dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting…”

To which the woman warmly replied, “That’s okay. It’s important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine.”

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Blakk Frogg says, “Man or woman who not listen to words of wisdom is either deaf or really stupid.”

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Marriage is like taking a hot bath. After you’ve been in it for awhile … it isn’t so hot.

I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and think, ‘Well, that’s not going to happen.’

If you’re playing a poker game and you look around the table and can’t tell who the sucker is — it’s you.

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Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

I asked Mom if I was a gifted child … she said they certainly wouldn’t have paid for me.

Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to.

According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about women is their eyes. And women say the first thing they notice about men is they’re a bunch of liars.

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Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut save you thirty cents?

In the 60s people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

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If you remember the 60s, you weren’t there.

Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a barbecue?

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Doctors can be frustrating. You wait a month-and-a-half for an appointment, and he says, “I wish you’d come to me sooner.”

You read about all these terrorists, most of whom came here legally, but hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10-15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster; you are two days late with a video and these people are all over you. Let’s put Blockbuster in charge of immigration!

Note: This all sounds like commentary from George Carlin… so Blakk Frogg suggests you go and see what elses that crazy bastard has said lately!

Having nice sex burns 358 calories.

Having rough sex [making it hurt] burns 543 calories.

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Take off her clothes with her consent: 12 cal

Take off her clothes without her consent: 187 cal

Americas Best MySpace Sex Comments

Take off her bra with two hands: 8 cal

Take off her bra with one hand: 12 cal

Americas Best MySpace Sex Comments

Take off her bra with mouth: 85 cal

Putting on Protection …

Hard: 6 cal
Soft: 315 cal

Foreplay …

Looking for Target: 8 cal
Finding G spot: 92 cal
I Don’t F#$king Care: 0 cal

Entry …

Holding Her: 12 cal
On the Floor: 8 cal

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Entry With Different Position …

Missionary: 358 cal
Doggy: 316 cal
69 Lying: 286 cal
69 Standing: 512 cal
Italian Hanger: 912 cal

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Orgasm …

Real: 112 cal
Faking It: 315 cal

After the ‘Big O’ …

Lying in Bed: 18 cal
Hop off the Bed: 36 cal
Wondering why she left pissed off: 816 cal

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Getting Dressed …

Quiet and Calm: 32 cal
Rushing: 98 cal
Her Boyfriend Opening the Door: 1218 cal
Her Dad opening the Door: 1942 cal

A city boy, Kenny, moved to the country and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.

The next day the farmer drove up and said, “Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died. I’ll give you your hundred dollars back.”

Kenny replied, “I don’t want the money back. I want the donkey.”

The farmer asked, “What ya gonna do with him?”

“I’m going to raffle him off.”

“You can’t raffle off a dead donkey!”

“Sure I can. Watch me. I just won’t tell anybody he’s dead.”

A month later the farmer met up with Kenny. “What happened with that dead donkey?”

“I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $898.”

“Didn’t anyone complain?”

“Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.”

Kenny grew up and eventually became the chairman of Enron.

Here is a riddle for the true intellectual. Try to come up with the answer on your own….. The answer is at the end for those who are unable to think this one through.

Here’s the riddle:

At the exact same time, there are two 35 year old men on opposite sides of the world. One is walking a tightrope between two skyscrapers. The other is getting a blowjob from an 85 year old woman.

They are both thinking the exact same thing.

What are they thinking?

Have you figured it out yet? Not yet? Well keep thinking and then scroll down some more.

Don’t look down! … Don’t look down! … Don’t look down!

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Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Tester Named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:

“Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge’s table asking directions to the beer wagon, when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn’t be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.” Here are the scorecards from the event:

CHILI # 1 MIKE’S MANIAC MOBSTER MONSTER CHILI

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that’s the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

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A woman’s husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.

One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears…

“You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times.”

“When I got fired, you were there to support me.”

“When my business failed, you were there.”

“When I got shot, you were by my side.”

“When we lost the house, you stayed right here.”

“When my health started failing, you were still by my side…”

“You know what?”

“What my dear?” she gently asked, smiling and leaning closer as her heart filled with warmth.

“You’re bad luck, get the f$#k away from me.”

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Joe Smith started the day early having set his alarm clock (MADE IN JAPAN) for 6am. While his coffeepot (MADE IN CHINA) was perking, he shaved with his electric razor (MADE IN HONG KONG).

He put on a dress shirt (MADE IN SRI LANKA), designer jeans (MADE IN SINGAPORE) and tennis shoes (MADE IN KOREA).

After cooking his breakfast in his new electric skillet (MADE IN INDIA) he sat down with his calculator (MADE IN MEXICO) to see how much he could spend today.

After setting his watch (MADE IN TAIWAN) to the radio (MADE IN INDIA) he got in his car (MADE IN GERMANY). He drove to the corner gas station and filled it with gas (FROM SAUDI ARABIA) and continued his search for a good paying AMERICAN JOB.

At the end of yet another discouraging and fruitless day checking his Computer (MADE IN MALAYSIA), Joe decided to relax for a while. He put on his sandals (MADE IN BRAZIL) poured himself a glass of wine (MADE IN FRANCE), turned on his TV (MADE IN INDONESIA), and then wondered why he can’t find a good paying job… in AMERICA.

1) Did you fart, cause you blew me away.

2) Are your parents retarded, ’cause you sure are special.

3) My Love for you is like diarrhea … I can’t hold it in and it runs like a river.

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4) Do you have a library card, ’cause I’d sure like to sign you out.

5) Is there a mirror in your pants? Because I can see myself in them.

6) If you and I were Squirrels, I’d store my nuts in your hole.

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7) You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away, sweetheart.

8) Man – “Fat Penguin!”
Woman – “WHAT?”
Man – “I just wanted to say something that would break the ice.”

9) I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your bed-rock.

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10) I can’t find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room.

11) Your eyes are as blue as window cleaner.

12) If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.

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and…. saving the best for last!

13) Your face reminds me of a wrench, every time I think of it my nuts tighten up.

Blakk Frogg says, “Steven Wright a very funny guy. Don’t know if he’d make a very funny woman, though.”

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One of my favorite comics, as I stated in an edition of americas-best.com, was, and still is, a strange fellow named Steven Wright.

Ever so simple and direct, his words speak volumes.

Below are 20 of statements he’s made. If you’re anything like me, you’ll really enjoy reading them.

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Simply Frogg and Americas Best
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Americas Best MySpace Comments

Simply Frogg and Americas Best
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Find more awesome Steven Wright stuff at his official website.