Blakk Frogg Joke Blog

Five Rules for a Man to Have a Happy Life:

1. It’s important to have a woman who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans and has a job.

2. It’s important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

3. It’s important to have a woman who you can trust and who doesn’t lie to you.

4. It’s important to have a woman who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.

5. It’s very, very important that these four women do not know each other.

Recently a man applied for a position w/ the county sheriff’s department in the southernmost part of Texas. He has passed all written and physical exams has only the interview to go through before a decision will be made.

The Sergeant doing the interview says, “Your qualifications all look good, but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take before you can be accepted.”

Then, sliding a service pistol across the desk, he says, “Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal aliens, six meth dealers, six Muslim extremists, and a rabbit.”

“Why the rabbit?”

“That’s the attitude we want,” says the Sergeant. “When can you start?”

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A guy meets a hooker in a bar. She says, “This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for $300, as long as you can say it in three words.”

The guy replies, “Hey, why not?”

He pull his wallet out of his pocket, and one at a time lays three hundred-dollar bills on the bar, and says, slowly: “Paint… my… house.”

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A friend of ours, a nurse at the local hospital, mentioned her disgust with all the failures she’s seen with people trying the Atkins Diet, Jenny Craig Plan, Weight Watchers Program and last but not least (expensive!), the South Beach Diet.

The horror stories and heartbreaks she has seen over the years caused her to research dieting (properly) and after about two months of diligent study, she ran across an Ancient diet plan that NEVER fails.

She translated the name for us as follows: “Dawn-Key” Diet. She also said anyone, no matter what age, race, or body type can do it….

Ready for it?

Are ya’ sure you’re ready for it?

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A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his Order. He said, “I want three flat tires, a pair of Headlights and a pair of running boards.”

The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear Stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook,

“This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a Pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. What Does he think this place is — an auto parts store?”

“No,” the cook said. “Three flat tires mean three Pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side Up, and running boards are 2 slices of crisp bacon.”

“Oh, OK!” said the blonde. She thought about it for a Moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it To the customer.

The trucker asked, “What are the beans for, Blondie?”

She replied, “I thought while you were waiting for the Flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!

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A little old lady had always wanted to join a local biker club.

One day she goes up and knocks on the club’s door. A big, hairy, bearded biker guy with tattoos all over his arms answers the door.

She proclaims, “I want to join your club.”

The biker was amused, but says she needs to meet certain biker requirements in order to join. The biker asks, “Do you have a motorcycle?”

The little old lady replies, “Yep… my bike’s parked over there”, and points to a Harley in the driveway.

The biker asks, “Do you drink?”

The little old lady replies “Yep… drink like a fish. I’ll drink any man in your club under the table.”

The biker asks, “Do you smoke?”

The little old lady replies, “Yep… smoke like a chimney. At least 4 packs a day and a couple of cigars in the evening when I’m shooting pool.”

The biker is very impressed and asks, “Last Question. Have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?”

The little old lady thinks for a minute and says, “Nope… but I was swung around by the nipples once.”

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Deep in the back woods, of Letcher County, Kentucky, a hillbilly’s wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.

Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, “Here. You hold this high so I can see what I am doing!.”

Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world. “Whoa there”, said the doctor, “Don’t be in such a rush to put that lantern down I think theres another one coming.”

Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. “Hold that lantern up, don’t set it down there’s another one!” Said the doctor.

Within a few minutes he had delivered a third baby “No, don’t be in a hurry to put down that lantern, it seems theres yet another one coming!” cried the doctor.

The Hillbilly scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, . .. . . .

“You reckon it might be the light that’s attractin’ ’em?”

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THE BOSS WALKED INTO THE OFFICE ONE MORNING NOT KNOWING THAT HIS ZIPPER WAS DOWN AND HIS FLY AREA WAS WIDE OPEN.

HIS SECRETARY WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID “BOSS, THIS MORNING WHEN YOU LEFT YOUR HOUSE, DID YOU CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR?”

THIS WAS NOT A PHRASE THAT HER BOSS UNDERSTOOD, SO HE WENT INTO HIS OFFICE LOOKING A BIT PUZZLED.

WHEN HE WAS ABOUT DONE WITH HIS PAPERWORK HE SUDDENLY NOTICED THAT HIS ZIPPER WAS DOWN. HE ZIPPED UP AND REMEMBERING WHAT HIS SECRETARY HAD TOLD HIM EARLIER, HE FINALLY UNDERSTOOD. HE INTENTIONALLY WENT OUT TO ASK FOR A CUP OF COFFEE FROM HIS SECRETARY.

HAVING MORE EGO THAN SENSE, HE WALKED TO HER DESK, SMIRKED AND ASKED HER, “WHEN YOU SAW THE GARAGE DOOR OPEN DID YOU SEE MY HUMMER PARKED IN THERE?”

THE SECRETARY SMILED FOR A MOMENT AND SAID, “NO BOSS, I DIDN’T. ALL I SAW WAS A MINI COOPER WITH 2 FLAT TIRES.”

FEMALE GEOGRAPHY

– Between 18 and 20, a woman is like Afrca : wild, naturally beautiful and full of mysterious, fertile deltas.

– Between 21 and 30, a woman is like America : well-developed and open for trade, especially for those with stacks of money.

– Between 31 and 35, a woman is like India : sensual, relaxed, in full bloom, aware of her beauty.

– Between 36 and 40, a woman is like France : deliciously mature, still a pleasant destination to visit.

– Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Yugoslavia : a lost war, haunted by the mistakes of the past. Major reconstruction work is the only answer.

– Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Russia : vast, with undefined frontier. The cold climate puts off any potential visitors.

– Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Mongolia : a glorious past, great conquests, but without a future.

– After 70, a woman is like Afghanistan : many know its whereabouts, but no-one dares to venture there…

MALE GEOGRAPHY

– Between 15 and 70, a man is like the USA : ruled by a dick…

“Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is.”

— Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady — and you didn’t think Barbara had a sense of humor)

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Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse’s legs and rump, and chest.

After a few minutes, Johnny asked, “Dad, why are you doing that?”

His father replied, “Because when I’m buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.

Johnny, looking worried, said, “Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom.”

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