A guy walking past a mental hospital hears a moaning voice saying, “13…….13…….13………13”
The man, now curious, looks over at the hospital and sees a hole in the wall. He looks through the hole and gets poked in the eye.
The moaning voice then groans, ’14………14………14…….14.’
A mother found her son scooping ice cream in the kitchen and was mad.
Mom : “Dinner is going to be ready in an hour, put that ice cream away and go play.”
Son : “But mom, there’s no one to play with.”
Mom : “I’ll play with you, what do you wanna play?”
Son : “Lets play mommy and daddy, you go upstairs and lay down on the bed.”
The mom said ok and went upstairs. The son put on his dad’s fishing hat and lit up one of his dad’s cigarettes. He went upstairs and opened the door.
Mom : “Now what do I do?”
Son : “Get your ass out of bed, you whore, and fix that kid some fucking ice cream.”
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The new employee stood before the paper shredder looking confused.
“Need some help?” a secretary, walking by, asked.
“Yes,” he replied, “how does this thing work?”
“Simple,” she said, taking the fat report from his hand and feeding it into the shredder.
“Thanks, but where do the copies come out?”
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A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling back and forth.
A cop on the beat sees him and approaches “Can I help you, sir?”” “Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr,” the man replies.
The cop asks, “Where was your car the last time you saw it?”
“It wasss on the end of thisshh key,” the man replies.
About that time the cop looks down and sees the man’s wiener hanging out of his fly for the entire world to see.
He asks the man, “Sir, are you aware that you are exposing yourself?”
Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and without missing a beat, blurts out….. “I’ll be damned —– My girlfriend’s gone, too!”
Once there was a millionaire, who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single.
One day, the millionaire decides to throw a huge party, and during the party he announces, “My dear guests, I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars, or my daughter, to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge unharmed!”
As soon as he finished his last word, there was the sound of a large splash in the pool. The guy in the pool was swimming with all his might, and the crowd began to cheer him on. Finally, he made it to the other side of the pool unharmed.
The millionaire was impressed. He said, “That was incredible! Fantastic! I didn’t think it could be done! Well, I must keep my end of the bargain. Do you want my daughter or the one million dollars?”
The guy catches his breath, then says, “Listen, I don’t want your money! And I don’t want your daughter! I want the asshole who pushed me in the pool!”
A burglar breaks into a house. He sees a CD player that he wants so he takes it. Then he hears a voice “JESUS is watching you”.
He looks around with his flashlight wandering “What The HELL Was That?”.
He spots some $ on a table and takes it…… Once again he hears a voice ” JESUS is watching you”.
He hides in a corner trying to find where the voice came from. He spots a birdcage with a parrot in it! He goes over and asks ” Was that your voice?”.
It says, “YES”.
He then asks, “What’s your name?”
It says, “MOSES.”
Half laughing, the burglar then asks, “What kind of person names his bird moses??”
The parrot replies, “THE SAME PERSON THAT NAMES HIS PITBULL ‘JESUS’.”
The widow takes a look at her dear departed one right before the funeral and, to her horror, finds that he’s in his brown suit. She’d specifically said to the undertaker that she wanted him buried in his blue suit; she’d brought it especially for that occasion, and she was highly distressed that the mortician had left him in the same brown suit he’d been wearing when the lightning bolt hit him.
She demanded that the corpse be changed into the blue suit she’d brought especially for that purpose.
The undertaker said, “But madam! It’s only a minute or two until the funeral is scheduled to begin! We can’t possibly take him out and get him changed in that amount of time.
The lady said, “Who’s paying for this?”
Seeing the logic to this argument, a very reluctant mortician wheeled the coffin out, but then wheeled it right back in a moment later. Miraculously, the corpse was in a blue suit.
After the ceremony, a well-satisfied widow complimented the undertaker on the smooth and speedy service. She especially wanted to know how he’d been able to get her husband into a blue suit so fast.
The funeral director said, “Oh, it was easy. It happens that there was another body in the back room and he was already dressed in a blue suit. All we had to do was switch heads!
