Blakk Frogg Joke Blog

Excerpts from a Dog’s Diary

• 6:00am – At last! I Go Pee! My favorite thing!
• 8:00 am – Dog food! My favorite thing!
• 9:30 am – A car ride! My favorite thing!
• 9:40 am – A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
• 10:30am – Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
• 12:00pm – Lunch! My favorite thing!
• 1:00 pm – Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
• 3:00 pm – Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
• 5:00 pm – Milk bones! My favorite thing!
• 6:00 pm – They’re home! My favorite thing!
• 7:00 pm – Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
• 8:00 pm – Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
• 11:00 pm – Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary

– Day 983 of my captivity.

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

– Day 984 of my captivity.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a “good little hunter” I am. Bastards! There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of “allergies.” I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.

– Day 985 of my captivity.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow — but at the top of the stairs. I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released – and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded. The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe.

For now…

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A little boy walks into his parents’ room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down…

The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to find him.

The son sees his mom and asks, “What were you and Dad doing?”

The mother replies, “Well, you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it and help flatten it.”

“Your wasting your time,” said the boy.

“Why is that?” the mom asked puzzled.

“Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and and blows it right back up.”

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Dear Abby,

When I retired, I could hardly wait to spend time enjoying my favorite pastime — bass fishing. I got my own little fishing boat and tried to get my wife to join me, but she just never liked fishing. Finally, one day at the Bait & Tackle Shop, I got to talking to Sam, the shop owner, who it turned out loves bass fishing as much as I do. We quickly became fishing buddies. As I said the wife doesn’t care about fishing. She not only refuses to join us she always complains that I spend too much time fishing.

A few weeks ago Sam and I had the best fishing trip ever. Not only did I catch the most beautiful bass you’ve ever seen, only a few minutes later Sam must have caught his twin brother! So I took a picture of Sam holding up the two nice bass that we caught and showed the picture to the wife hoping that maybe she’d get interested. Instead she says she doesn’t want me to go fishing at all anymore! And she wants me to sell the boat! I think she just doesn’t like to see me enjoying myself. What would you do? Tell the wife to forget it and continue my hobby or quit fishing and sell the boat as she insists?

Thanks,

“Confused Fisherman”

P.S. —> Enclosed is a picture of Sam with the two bass we caught. (see below)

Dear Confused Fisherman,

Get rid of that narrow-minded hag you married and spend more time fishing with Sam. That’s a gorgeous pair of bass she’s got there!

A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. After a few more he needs to go to the can. He doesn’t want anyone to steal his drink so he puts a sign on it saying, “I spat in this beer, do not drink!”.

After a few minutes he returns and there is another sign next to his beer saying, “So did I!”

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A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks. After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then orders the bartender to prepare another double martini. After he finishes that it, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini.

The bartender says, “Look, buddy, I’ll bring ya’ martinis all night long – but you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill.”

The customer replies, “I’m peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, I know it’s time to go home.”

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A man limps into a bar with a cane and alligator. The bartender stops him and says “Hold on a second here – you can’t bring that animal in here, they aren’t allowed!”

So the man says, “But my gator here does a really cool trick…”

The bartender says “Well then, lets see!”

So the man whips out his dick and shoves it in the gators mouth. He then takes his cane and starts bashing the gator in the head with it. A crowd gathers around and everyone is astonished when he pulls out his dick without a single scratch.

He looks around at the crowd and says, “Does anyone else want to try?”

An old lady raises her hand and says… “Sure, but don’t hit me with that stick.”

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There’s this drunk standing out on the street corner, and a cop passes by, and says, “What do you think you’re doing?”

The drunk says, “I heard the world goes around every 24 hours, and I’m waiting on my house. Won’t be long now, there goes my neighbor.”

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There were these two guys in a bar, which was on the 20th floor of a building. The first man said ” I bet you $100 I can jump out that window and come straight back in!”

The second man says “Ok, sure,” and the barman holds the bet. The first man jumps out the window and disappears for a second before jumping straight back in.

Disappointed about losing the $100, the second man says: “I’ll bet you another $100 you can’t do it again.”

So the barman holds the bet.

Sure enough, the first man jumps out the window, disappears for a second, then jumps straight back in.

Thinking there must be a freak gust of wind out there, the second man says, “Ok, I bet you $300 I can jump out the window and come straight back in.”

The first man says, “Ok, sure.”

The second man jumps out the window and falls to the footpath below. He is dead.

Back up in the bar, the barman says to the first man, “Gee, you can be a real prick when you’re drunk, Superman.”

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Some people say marriages get made in heaven. Others, often going through a divorce or separation, say marriages come from another place…. called Hell.

Blakk Frogg says marriages, no matter how deep the love, no matter how true the devotion, ought not to occur…. for a number of reasons…. and he offers the following REAL LIFE marriage announcements as evidence:

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So, for those of you thinking that tying the knot makes sense, and will solve all your woes, do yourselves a favor and examine how your names will look in the paper.

If, after examining your names you still think it’s a good idea to get hitched, and at some point Blakk Frogg winds up posting your announcement on a website…. Guess what? It wasn’t a good idea.

See you fools on Divorce Court.

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