Blakk Frogg Joke Blog

An 80 year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up.

The doctor asked him how he was feeling and the 80-year-old said, “Things are great and I’ve never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that?”

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began: “I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day while setting off to hunt, he was in a bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun.”

As he neared a lake he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water’s edge. He realized he’d left his gun at home and so couldn’t shoot the magnificent creature, but out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went ‘bang, bang’.

“Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now, what do you think of that?” asked the doctor.

The 80-year-old said, “If you ask me, I’d say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver.”

The doctor replied, “My point exactly.”

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While the bacon does rule our Universe, and all neighboring Universes as well, sometimes people go a little too far with their bacon worship practices… and use bacon in inappropriate ways.

No, we don’t mean some sicko has locked himself in a room with a stack of Playboy or Hustler magazines and 5 pounds of raw bacon. We DO mean that some people add bacon to foods that, in our opinion, ought to have remained bacon-less.

As an example, some creative bastards apparently got stoned one day and blended up a batch of bacon flavored ice cream.

We say, “Hooray” for the presence of bacon, of course… but we really don’t feel all that good about the idea of mixing bacon with our ice cream.

Actually, we feel a bit nauseous right now.

DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, “I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs..”

The rancher says, “Okay, but do not go in that field over there,” as he points out the location.

The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, ” Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me.” Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher. “See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish….. On any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand? ”

The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.

A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher’s big Santa Gertrudis bull.

With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he’ll get gored before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified. The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs…..

“Your badge! Show him your BADGE!”

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Like a lot of folks in this country, Blakk Frogg has a job: He gets up each morning, goes to work, puts in at LEAST solid 8 hours of work. Every other week he gets a check. Simple as that.

He then pays taxes on his earnings and the government distributes his tax dollars as it sees fit.

Here’s the kicker, though… In order to get that paycheck, he has to pass a random urine test, with which he has no problem.

He DOES, however, object to the distribution of his hard-earned tax dollars to people who DON’T have to pass a urine test. He wonders WHY a person doesn’t have to pass a urine test in order to receive HIS money in the form of a welfare check. Seriously… HE has to pass one in order to EARN that money so shouldn’t THEY have to pass one before receiving it?

Please understand that Blakk Frogg has no problem with helping people get back on their feet. He does, on the other hand, have a problem with helping someone sit around on their lazy ass using drugs… on his dime.

Think about how much money state, local and federal government agencies would save if aid recipients had to pass regular, or random, urine tests before they could receive a public assistance check.

Democrat, Republican, Conservative or Liberal, it does not matter. If you agree with this message, spread the word. Otherwise your silence equals acceptance of the current situation… and you have no right to complain.

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You will find Blakk Frogg at Happy Hour…. He’s the tall, drunk bastard dancing on the pool table — again.

With the weekend just around the corner, Blakk Frogg would like to remind the World of things that can help its residents (especially YOU) realize that they may have a drinking problem…. but not Blakk Frogg 😛

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15 – You spent Sunday night in jail for “cow-tipping” with your Oldsmobile.

14 – Although armed with fire extinguishers, friends stood at a safe distance as you blew out your birthday candles.

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13 – Thanks to you, Jack Daniels stock is up 15 1/4 since Friday.

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12 – Boris Yeltsin called personally to ask you to slow down on the Stoli ‘cuz his stash is running low.

11 – For some reason, there’s salt on the rim of your basketball goal.

10 – Your name is Otis and Sheriff Andy has brought you some of Aunt Bea’s pancakes.

9 – For the money you spent on Thunderbird, you could’ve bought the automobile.

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8 – You’re now the proud inventor of the “Slim Jim”: Ultra Slim-Fast shakes made with Jim Beam.

7 – Answering machine full of warnings from Coach Switzer.

6 – Absolut wants to run an ad featuring a picture of your liver in the shape of a bottle.

5 – Yet again, dry cleaner employees greet you with, “Hey, it’s Vomit Man!”

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4 – The doorman asks for your I.D. just to see how long it’ll take you to find your pants.

3 – Your liver, in a fit of pique, leaps out of your abdominal cavity into a pan of frying onions.

2 – Worried friends call Monday morning to make sure you returned the goat.

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1 – You’re now sober enough to realize “Drink Canada Dry” is a slogan and not a personal challenge

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sarcasm makes me happy…. not that you care, though. Bitch.

If you can’t live without me, why aren’t you dead already?

You’d make a lovely corpse!

I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll make an exception.

Is that a beard, or are you eating a muskrat?

Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?

You’re a wit with dunces, and a dunce with wits…huh?

Did you eat a brain tumor for breakfast?

You love nature in spite of what it did to you?

I want to reach your mind – where is it currently located?

I wish I’d known you when you were alive.

If you ever had a bright idea, it would be beginner’s luck!

What’s on your mind? If you’ll forgive the overstatement.

When you go to the mind reader, do you get half price?

I look into your eyes and get the feeling someone else is driving.

You’re a mouse studying to be a rat.

Don’t look now, but there’s one too many in this room and I think it’s you.

Every time I’m next to you, I get a fierce desire to be alone.

I can’t believe that out of 100,000 sperm, you were the quickest!

If you ever become a mother, can I have one of the puppies?

There’s nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won’t cure.

Why don’t you bore a hole in yourself and let the sap run out?

You’re a good example of why some animals eat their young.

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One of my sons serves in the military.
He is still stateside, here in
California. He called me yesterday to
let me know how warm and welcoming
people were to him, and his troops,
everywhere he goes, telling me how people
shake their hands, and thank them for being
willing to serve, and fight, for not
only our own freedoms but so that
others may have them also.

But he also told me about an incident
in the grocery store he stopped at
yesterday, on his way home from the
base. He said that ahead of several people
in front of him stood a woman dressed in a burkha.

He said when she got to the cashier
she loudly remarked about the U.S.
flag lapel pin the cashier wore on her
smock. The cashier reached up and
touched the pin, and said proudly,”
Yes, I always wear it and probably aways will.”

The woman in the burkha then asked the
cashier when she was going to stop
bombing her countrymen, explaining
that she was Iraqi.

A gentleman standing behind my son
stepped forward, putting his arm around
my son’s shoulders, and nodding
towards my son, said in a calm and gentle
voice to the Iraqi woman:

“Lady, hundreds of thousands of men
and women like this young man have
fought and died so that YOU could
stand here, in MY country and accuse a
check-out cashier of bombing YOUR
countrymen. It is my belief that had you
been this outspoken in YOUR own country,
we wouldn’t need to be there today. But,
hey, if you have now learned how to speak
out so loudly and clearly, I’ll gladly
buy you a ticket and pay your way
back to Iraq so you can straighten out
the mess in YOUR country that you are
obviously here in MY country to avoid.”

Everyone within hearing distance cheered!

IF YOU AGREE____ Pass this on to all
your proud American friends…. and remember:

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In 1923, Who Was:

1. President of the largest steel company?

2. President of the largest gas company?

3. President of the New York Stock Exchange?

4. Greatest wheat speculator?

5. President of the Bank of International Settlement?

6. Great Bear of Wall Street?

These men were considered some of the worlds most successful of their days.

Now, 80 years later, the history book asks us, if we know what ultimately became of them.

The Answers:

1. The president of the largest steel company.

Charles Schwab, died a pauper.

2. The president of the largest gas company,

Edward Hopson, went insane.

3. The president of the NYSE,

Richard Whitney, was released from prison to die at home.

4. The greatest wheat speculator,

Arthur Cooger, died abroad, penniless.

5. The president of the Bank of International Settlement,

shot himself.

6. The Great Bear of Wall Street, Cosabee Livermore,

also committed suicide.

However: in that same year, 1923, the PGA Champion and the winner of the most important golf tournament, the US Open, was Gene Sarazen. What became of him?

He played golf until he was 92, died in 1999 at the age of 95. He was financially secure at the time of his death.

The Moral:

Screw work. Play golf.

Note: Blakk Frogg hates golf, but for some reason he does like the view from certain golf carts…

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free jokes, comments and graphics

Modern Drunkard Magazine published a list which ALL real-time, real-life drinkers should follow: The 86 Rules to Drink By! (part one of nine)

1. If you owe someone money, always pay them back in a bar. Preferably during happy hour.

2. Always toast before doing a shot.

3. Whoever buys the shot gets the first chance to offer a toast.

4. Change your toast at least once a month.

5. Buying someone a drink is five times better than a handshake.

6. Buying a strange woman a drink is still cool. Buying all her drinks is dumb.

7. Never borrow more than one cigarette from the same person in one night.

8. When the bartender is slammed, resist the powerful urge to order a slightly-dirty, very-dry, in-and-out, super-chilled half-and-half martini with a lemon twist. Limit orders to beer, straight shots and two-part cocktails.

9. Get the bartender’s attention with eye contact and a smile.

10. Do not make eye contact with the bartender if you do not want a drink.

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View The Rest of the List

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Blakk Frogg wants to go to Happy Hour…. as usual!

After living in the remote wilderness all his life, an old hillbilly decided it was time to visit the big city.

In one of the stores he picks up a mirror and looks in it. Not ever having seen one before, he remarked at the image staring back at him, “How about that! Here’s a picture lookin’ like ma’ daddy.”

He bought the mirror thinking it was a picture of his daddy, but on the way home he remembered his wife didn’t like his father. So he hung it in the barn, and every morning before leaving for the fields, he would go there and look at it.

His w ife began to get suspicious of these many trips to the barn.

One day after her husband left, she searched the barn and found the mirror.

As she looked into the glass, she fumed, “So that’s the ugly bitch he’s runnin’ around with.”

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Poke fun at other Rednecks…. but be prepared ta’ fight!