Blakk Frogg Joke Blog

Are you a Democrat, Republican or Southerner? Here is a little test that will help you decide:

SCENARIO:

You’re walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities and some seemingly unintelligible things about Jihad, raises the knife, and charges at you with the tenacity of a raging rhino.

You are carrying a Glock 40 handgun and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do? Below are your options, in no particular order:

• The Democrat’s Reply
• The Republican’s Reply
• The Southerner’s Reply

Defense Attorney:

Will you please state your age?

Little Old Lady:

I am 92 years old.

Defense Attorney:

Will you tell us, in your own words what happened the night of April 1st?

Little Old Lady:

There I was, sitting there in my swing, on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney:

Did you know him?

Little Old Lady:

No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney:

What happened after he sat down?

Little Old Lady:

He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney:

Did you stop him?

Little Old Lady:

No, I didn’t stop him.

Defense Attorney:

Why not?

Little Old Lady:

It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abner died some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney:

What happened next?

Little Old Lady:

He began to rub my breasts.

Defense Attorney:

Did you stop him then?

Little Old Lady:

No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney:

Why not?

Little Old Lady:

His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven’t felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney:

What happened next?

Little Old Lady:

Well, by then, I was feeling really “spicy” so I just laid down and told him “Take me, young man. Take me!”

Defense Attorney:

Did he take you?

Little Old Lady:

Hell, no! He just yelled, “April Fools!” And that’s when I shot him, the little bastard!

Sarcastic MySpace Comments

A man calls home to his wife and says, “Honey I have been asked to go fishing at Everglades City, a town in Florida, with my boss and several of his friends. We’ll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I’ve been wanting so would you please pack me enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box. We’re leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up. Oh, AND Please pack my new blue silk pajamas.”

The wife thinks this sounds a little fishy, but being a good wife, she does exactly what her husband asked.

sarcastic myspace comments…. get some!

The following weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good. The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish?

He says, “Yes! Lot’s of Trout, some Red Fish, and a few Snook… But, honey, why didn’t you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked?”

The wife replies “Oh, dear but I did pack them. They were in your tackle box.”

Americas Best MySpace Sarcastic Comments

FAKE FRiENDS: Never ask for food.
REAl FRiENDS: are the reason you have no food.

FAKE FRiENDS: Call your parents Mr/Mrs
REAl FRiENDS: Call your parents DAD/MOM

FAKE FRiENDS: bail you out of jail and tell you what you did was wrong.
REAl FRiENDS: Would sit next to you sayin’, “Damn … we fucked up … but that shit was fun!”

FAKE FRiENDS: never seen you cry.
REAl FRiENDS: cry with you

FAKE FRiENDS: Borrow your stuff for a few days then give it back.
REAl FRiENDS: keep your shit so long they forget its yours.

FAKE FRiENDS: know a few things about you.
REAl FRiENDS: Could write a book about you with direct quotes from you.

FAKE FRiENDS: Will leave you behind if that is what the crowd is doing.
REAl FRiENDS: Will kick the whole crowds ass that left you.

FAKE FRiENDS: Would knock on your front door.
REAl FRiENDS: Walk right in and say “I’M HOME!”

FAKE FRiENDS: Are for awhile.
REAl FRiENDS: Are for life.

FAKE FRiENDS: Will take your drink away when they think you’ve had enough.
REAl FRiENDS: Will look at you stumbling all over the place and say “Bitch drink the rest of that you know we don’t waste shit.”

FAKE FRiENDS: will talk shit to the person who talks shit about you.
REAl FRiENDS: Will knock them the fuck out

“When life hands you lemons, stuff them in the mufflers of law enforcement vehicles. Doing so will improve your social life immensely. We promise.”

On another note, people keep bugging Blakk Frogg to post a list of the most popular items from his Blakk Frogg Joke Blog instead of looking through all the entries and deciding for themself what they like. Laziness. Pure laziness.

Oral Sex, People! Oral Sex!
Popular Americas Best MySpace Comments (Sept 2007)
Sweet Devon Jersey Pics
Shitty MySpace Comments
Fiance’s Sister Wants to Have Sex With Me
Definition of Perfect Woman
Funny Dear Abby Letter
Wife Says, “Can’t You Just Hold Me?”
Girls for MySpace (September 2007)
Pharmacology Names for Viagra

You know what? The Simply Frogg Jokes Page has nearly 700 jokes on it right now…. and it would give you the perfect excuse not to do any real work right now.

I was in Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina for my Labrador Retriever and was in line to check out.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn’t because I’d ended up in the hospital last time.

I explained how I’d lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete… so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I’d been poisoned and was that why I wound up in the hospital.

I said no….. In all actuality, I’d been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.

I thought the tall guy behind her was going to have to be carried out the door.

Americas Best MySpace Animal Comments

This is a true story, indicating how fascinating the mind of a six year old is. They think so logically.

A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her Class.

She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to gather the building materials for his home.

She read, “and so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said: ‘Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?”

The teacher paused then asked the class: “And what do you think the man said?”

One little boy raised his hand and said very matter-of-factly, “I think the man would have said: “Well, fuck me! A talking pig!!”

Americas Best MySpace Animal Comments
no, it’s not a pig….. but it IS big and plump. deal with it!

Blakk Frogg apologizes in advance for publishing this list of really, really bad puns. However, if he had to read through these and suffer, so do you.

1. A bicycle can’t stand alone; it is two tired.
2. A will is a dead giveaway.
3. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
4. A backward poet writes inverse.
5. In a democracy it’s your vote that counts; in feudalism, it’s your Count that votes.
6. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
7. If you don’t pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
8. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
9. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat miner.
10. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
11. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
12. A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.
13. You are stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
14. Local Area Network in Australia : The LAN down under.
15. He broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
16. A calendar’s days are numbered.
17. A lot of money is tainted: ‘Taint yours, and ‘taint mine.
18. A boiled egg is hard to beat.
19. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
20. A plateau is a high form of flattery.
21. The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison: a small medium at large.
22. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
23. When you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
24. If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine .
25. When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she’d dye.
26. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
27. Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
28. Acupuncture: a jab well done.
29. Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet.

Three men… a doctor, a lawyer, and a biker, sat in a bar talking over a few drinks. After a sip of his martini, the doctor said, “You know, tomorrow is my anniversary. I bought my wife a diamond ring and a new Mercedes. I figure if she doesn’t like the diamond ring, then at least she will like the Mercedes, and she will know that I love her.”

After finishing his scotch, the lawyer said, “Well, on my last anniversary, I bought my wife a string of pearls and a trip to the Bahamas. I figured if she didn’t like the pearls, then at least she would have enjoyed the trip, and she would have known that I loved her.”

The Biker then took a big swig from his beer and said, “Yeah, well for my anniversary, I got my old lady a t-shirt and a vibrator. I figured if she didn’t like the t-shirt, then she could go fuck herself.”

Americas Best MySpace Motorcycles Comments

This happened about a month ago just outside a little town in the low country of West Virginia, and while it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it’s real.

A guy was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a really dark night in the middle of a thunderstorm. Time passed slowly and no cars went by. It was raining so hard he could hardly see his hand in front of his face. Suddenly he saw a car moving slowly, approaching and appearing ghost-like in the rain.

It slowly crept toward him and stopped. Wanting a ride really bad, the guy jumped in the car and closed the door, only then did he realize that there was nobody behind the wheel. The car slowly started moving and the guy was terrified, too scared to think of jumping out and running.

The guy saw that the car was slowly approaching a sharp curve, still too scared to jump out, he started to pray and begging for his life; he was sure the ghost car would go off the road and into the marsh and he would surely drown, when just before the curve, a hand appeared through the driver’s window and turned the steering wheel, guiding the car safely around the bend. Paralyzed with fear, the guy watched the hand reappear every time they reached a curve.

Finally the guy, scared to near death, had all he could take and jumped out of the car and ran to town. Wet and in shock, he went into a cafe and, voice quivering, ordered a cup of hot coffee, black, then told everybody about his experience. A silence enveloped the cafe and everybody got goose bumps when they realized the guy was telling the truth and was not just some weirdo.

About half an hour later two guys walked into the cafe and one says to the other: “Look Bubba, there’s that idiot who rode in our car when we were pushing it in the rain.

Americas Best MySpace Random Comments

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Get yo’self a heapin’ por’shun o’ funny ass redneck myspace comments, ya’ hear?