Blakk Frogg Joke Blog

Having nice sex burns 358 calories.

Having rough sex [making it hurt] burns 543 calories.

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Take off her clothes with her consent: 12 cal

Take off her clothes without her consent: 187 cal

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Take off her bra with two hands: 8 cal

Take off her bra with one hand: 12 cal

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Take off her bra with mouth: 85 cal

Putting on Protection …

Hard: 6 cal
Soft: 315 cal

Foreplay …

Looking for Target: 8 cal
Finding G spot: 92 cal
I Don’t F#$king Care: 0 cal

Entry …

Holding Her: 12 cal
On the Floor: 8 cal

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Entry With Different Position …

Missionary: 358 cal
Doggy: 316 cal
69 Lying: 286 cal
69 Standing: 512 cal
Italian Hanger: 912 cal

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Orgasm …

Real: 112 cal
Faking It: 315 cal

After the ‘Big O’ …

Lying in Bed: 18 cal
Hop off the Bed: 36 cal
Wondering why she left pissed off: 816 cal

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Getting Dressed …

Quiet and Calm: 32 cal
Rushing: 98 cal
Her Boyfriend Opening the Door: 1218 cal
Her Dad opening the Door: 1942 cal

A city boy, Kenny, moved to the country and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.

The next day the farmer drove up and said, “Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died. I’ll give you your hundred dollars back.”

Kenny replied, “I don’t want the money back. I want the donkey.”

The farmer asked, “What ya gonna do with him?”

“I’m going to raffle him off.”

“You can’t raffle off a dead donkey!”

“Sure I can. Watch me. I just won’t tell anybody he’s dead.”

A month later the farmer met up with Kenny. “What happened with that dead donkey?”

“I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $898.”

“Didn’t anyone complain?”

“Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.”

Kenny grew up and eventually became the chairman of Enron.

Here is a riddle for the true intellectual. Try to come up with the answer on your own….. The answer is at the end for those who are unable to think this one through.

Here’s the riddle:

At the exact same time, there are two 35 year old men on opposite sides of the world. One is walking a tightrope between two skyscrapers. The other is getting a blowjob from an 85 year old woman.

They are both thinking the exact same thing.

What are they thinking?

Have you figured it out yet? Not yet? Well keep thinking and then scroll down some more.

Don’t look down! … Don’t look down! … Don’t look down!

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Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Tester Named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:

“Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge’s table asking directions to the beer wagon, when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn’t be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.” Here are the scorecards from the event:

CHILI # 1 MIKE’S MANIAC MOBSTER MONSTER CHILI

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that’s the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

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A woman’s husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.

One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears…

“You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times.”

“When I got fired, you were there to support me.”

“When my business failed, you were there.”

“When I got shot, you were by my side.”

“When we lost the house, you stayed right here.”

“When my health started failing, you were still by my side…”

“You know what?”

“What my dear?” she gently asked, smiling and leaning closer as her heart filled with warmth.

“You’re bad luck, get the f$#k away from me.”

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Joe Smith started the day early having set his alarm clock (MADE IN JAPAN) for 6am. While his coffeepot (MADE IN CHINA) was perking, he shaved with his electric razor (MADE IN HONG KONG).

He put on a dress shirt (MADE IN SRI LANKA), designer jeans (MADE IN SINGAPORE) and tennis shoes (MADE IN KOREA).

After cooking his breakfast in his new electric skillet (MADE IN INDIA) he sat down with his calculator (MADE IN MEXICO) to see how much he could spend today.

After setting his watch (MADE IN TAIWAN) to the radio (MADE IN INDIA) he got in his car (MADE IN GERMANY). He drove to the corner gas station and filled it with gas (FROM SAUDI ARABIA) and continued his search for a good paying AMERICAN JOB.

At the end of yet another discouraging and fruitless day checking his Computer (MADE IN MALAYSIA), Joe decided to relax for a while. He put on his sandals (MADE IN BRAZIL) poured himself a glass of wine (MADE IN FRANCE), turned on his TV (MADE IN INDONESIA), and then wondered why he can’t find a good paying job… in AMERICA.

1) Did you fart, cause you blew me away.

2) Are your parents retarded, ’cause you sure are special.

3) My Love for you is like diarrhea … I can’t hold it in and it runs like a river.

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4) Do you have a library card, ’cause I’d sure like to sign you out.

5) Is there a mirror in your pants? Because I can see myself in them.

6) If you and I were Squirrels, I’d store my nuts in your hole.

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7) You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away, sweetheart.

8) Man – “Fat Penguin!”
Woman – “WHAT?”
Man – “I just wanted to say something that would break the ice.”

9) I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your bed-rock.

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10) I can’t find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room.

11) Your eyes are as blue as window cleaner.

12) If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.

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and…. saving the best for last!

13) Your face reminds me of a wrench, every time I think of it my nuts tighten up.

Blakk Frogg says, “Steven Wright a very funny guy. Don’t know if he’d make a very funny woman, though.”

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One of my favorite comics, as I stated in an edition of americas-best.com, was, and still is, a strange fellow named Steven Wright.

Ever so simple and direct, his words speak volumes.

Below are 20 of statements he’s made. If you’re anything like me, you’ll really enjoy reading them.

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Find more awesome Steven Wright stuff at his official website.

Blakk Frogg says, “Height should not be the only requirement for some things in life.”

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A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience.

She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion.

It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle.

In terror, she grabs for the horse’s mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip.

She tries to throw her arms around the horse’s neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway.

The horse gallops along, seemingly ignorant of its slipping rider.

Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety.

Unfortunately, her foot becomes entangled in the stirrup, and she is now at the mercy of the horse’s pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over.

As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune, Bobby, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her and unplugs the horse.

Thank God for heros.

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Blakk Frogg says, “Drinking heavily makes world a blurry place to live. I meant ‘better’, damn it.”

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A guy went into a bar one day and said to the bartender, “Give me six double vodkas.”

The bartender says, “Wow! you must have had one hell of a day.”

“Yes, I just found out my older brother is gay.”

The next day the same guy went into the bar and asked for the same drinks.

When the bartender asked what the problem was this time and the answer came back, “I just found out that my younger brother is gay, too!”

On the third day the guy went into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas.

The bartender said, “Jesus! Doesn’t anybody in your family like women?”

“Yeah, my wife…”

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