Blakk Frogg Joke Blog

Once there was a millionaire, who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single.

One day, the millionaire decides to throw a huge party, and during the party he announces, “My dear guests, I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars, or my daughter, to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge unharmed!”

As soon as he finished his last word, there was the sound of a large splash in the pool. The guy in the pool was swimming with all his might, and the crowd began to cheer him on. Finally, he made it to the other side of the pool unharmed.

The millionaire was impressed. He said, “That was incredible! Fantastic! I didn’t think it could be done! Well, I must keep my end of the bargain. Do you want my daughter or the one million dollars?”

The guy catches his breath, then says, “Listen, I don’t want your money! And I don’t want your daughter! I want the asshole who pushed me in the pool!”

A burglar breaks into a house. He sees a CD player that he wants so he takes it. Then he hears a voice “JESUS is watching you”.

He looks around with his flashlight wandering “What The HELL Was That?”.

He spots some $ on a table and takes it…… Once again he hears a voice ” JESUS is watching you”.

He hides in a corner trying to find where the voice came from. He spots a birdcage with a parrot in it! He goes over and asks ” Was that your voice?”.

It says, “YES”.

He then asks, “What’s your name?”

It says, “MOSES.”

Half laughing, the burglar then asks, “What kind of person names his bird moses??”

The parrot replies, “THE SAME PERSON THAT NAMES HIS PITBULL ‘JESUS’.”

The widow takes a look at her dear departed one right before the funeral and, to her horror, finds that he’s in his brown suit. She’d specifically said to the undertaker that she wanted him buried in his blue suit; she’d brought it especially for that occasion, and she was highly distressed that the mortician had left him in the same brown suit he’d been wearing when the lightning bolt hit him.

She demanded that the corpse be changed into the blue suit she’d brought especially for that purpose.

The undertaker said, “But madam! It’s only a minute or two until the funeral is scheduled to begin! We can’t possibly take him out and get him changed in that amount of time.

The lady said, “Who’s paying for this?”

Seeing the logic to this argument, a very reluctant mortician wheeled the coffin out, but then wheeled it right back in a moment later. Miraculously, the corpse was in a blue suit.

After the ceremony, a well-satisfied widow complimented the undertaker on the smooth and speedy service. She especially wanted to know how he’d been able to get her husband into a blue suit so fast.

The funeral director said, “Oh, it was easy. It happens that there was another body in the back room and he was already dressed in a blue suit. All we had to do was switch heads!

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, “Seven Points.”

His wife rolls over and says, “What in the Hell was that?”

The old man replied, “It’s fart football.”

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, “Touchdown, tie score.”

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, “Aha. I’m ahead 14 to 7.”

Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, “Touchdown, tie score.”

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, “Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.”

Now the pressure is on the old man.

He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard. Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he’s got, and accidentally shits in the bed.

The wife says, “What in God’s name was THAT?”

The old man says, “Half time, switch sides…………… “

One day a girl brings home her boyfriend and tells her father she wants to marry him. After talking to him for while, he tells his daughter she can’t do it because he’s her half brother. The same problem happens again four more times!

The girl starts to get pissed off. She goes to her mom and says, “Mom… What have you been doing all your life? Dad’s been going around laying every maiden in the town and now I can’t marry any of the five guys I like because they have turned out to be my half brothers!!!”

Her mom replies, “Don’t worry darling, you can marry any one of them you want, he isn’t really your dad.”

Dear Abby:

My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning, and, when I confront him, he denies everything. What’s worse, everyone knows that he cheats on me. It is so humiliating.

Also, since he lost his job five years ago, he hasn’t even looked for a new one. All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and BS with his buddies while I have to work to pay the bills.

Since our daughter went away to college he doesn’t even pretend to like me and hints that I may be a lesbian. What should I do?

Signed, Clueless

Abby’s Response

David finally found the nerve to tell his fiancee that he had to break off their engagement so he could marry another woman.

“Can she cook like I can?” the distraught woman asked between sobs.

“Not on her best day,” he replied.

“Can she buy you expensive gifts like I do?”

“No, she’s broke.”

“Well, then, is it sex?”

“Nobody does it like you, babe.”

“Then what can she do that I can’t?”

“Sue me for child support.”

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Two illinois State Trooper Patrol cars were in hot pursuit of a Camaro heading east towards Indiana on I-80.

When the suspect crossed the Indiana line, the first trooper pulled over immediately. The rookie Trooper pulled over right behind him and asked, “Sarge, why’d you stop?”

“You dumb rookie,” replied the Sarge. “He’s in Indiana now. They’re an hour ahead of us, so we’ll never catch him.”

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During their silver anniversary, a wife reminded her husband: Do you remember when you proposed to me, I was so overwhelmed that I didn’t talk for an hour?”

The hubby replied: “Yes, honey, that was the happiest hour of my life.”

Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady And after the wedding, he laid down the following Rules:

“I’ll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want and I don’t expect any hassle from you. I Expect a great dinner to be on table unless I tell you that I won’t be home for dinner. I’ll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don’t you give me a hard time about It. Those are my rules. Any comments?”

His new bride said, “No, that’s fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven O’clock every night … Whether you’re here or not.”

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