A man walks into a hamburger shop and orders a regular meal. Later, the waitress brings his meal to him. He takes a bite out of it, and notices there’s a small hair in the hamburger. He begins yelling frantically at the waitress, “Waitress, there’s a hair in my hamburger! I demand to see what is going on inthat kitchen!”
So, the waitress takes him back where the cook is and to his horror, he sees the cook take the meat patty and flatten it under his arm pit.
He says, “That’s disgusting!”
Then the waitress says, “You think that’s disgusting, you should see him make donuts!”
A teacher asked her class, “What do you want out of life?”
A little girl raised her hand and said, “All I want out of life is four little animals.”
The teacher asked, “Really, and what four little animals would that be?”
The little girl answered, “A Mink on my back, a Jaguar in the garage, a Tiger in the bed and, of course, I’ll need a Jackass to pay for it all.”
An Old Italian man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his tomato garden, but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:
Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty badly because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me.
Love,
Dad
A few days later he received a letter from his son:
Dear Dad,
Don’t dig up that garden. That’s where I buried the bodies.
Love,
Vinnie
At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son:
Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That’s the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you,
Vinnie
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An Amish woman was driving her buggy to town when a highway patrol officer stopped her.
“I’m not going to cite you,” said the officer. “I just wanted to warn that the reflector on the back of your buggy is broken and it could be dangerous.”
“I thank thee,” replied the Amish lady. “I shall have my husband repair it as soon as I return home.”
“Also,” said the officer, “I noticed one of your reins to your horse is wrapped around his testicles. Some people might consider this cruelty to animals, so you should have your husband check that, too.”
“Again I thank thee. I shall have my husband check both when I get home.”
True to her word, when the Amish lady got home she told her husband about the broken reflector, and he said he would put a new one on it immediately.
“Also,” said the Amish woman, “The policeman said there was something wrong with the emergency brake.”
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Mr. Johnson and his secretary are on a train to Paris. They are just about to go to sleep when the secretary, who has the hots for her boss says in a seductive voice, I’m a little cold, could I borrow your blanket?
The man says how would you like to be Mrs. Johnson for awhile?
The secretary jumps at the chance and begins to get out of bed and join him.
Then he replies, good, then you can get your own damn blanket.
Two Iraqi spies met in a busy restaurant after they had successfully slipped into the U.S. The first spy starts speaking in Arabic.
The second spy hushes him quickly and whispers: “Don’t blow our cover. You’re in America now, speak Spanish.”
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A guy walking past a mental hospital hears a moaning voice saying, “13…….13…….13………13”
The man, now curious, looks over at the hospital and sees a hole in the wall. He looks through the hole and gets poked in the eye.
The moaning voice then groans, ’14………14………14…….14.’
A mother found her son scooping ice cream in the kitchen and was mad.
Mom : “Dinner is going to be ready in an hour, put that ice cream away and go play.”
Son : “But mom, there’s no one to play with.”
Mom : “I’ll play with you, what do you wanna play?”
Son : “Lets play mommy and daddy, you go upstairs and lay down on the bed.”
The mom said ok and went upstairs. The son put on his dad’s fishing hat and lit up one of his dad’s cigarettes. He went upstairs and opened the door.
Mom : “Now what do I do?”
Son : “Get your ass out of bed, you whore, and fix that kid some fucking ice cream.”
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The new employee stood before the paper shredder looking confused.
“Need some help?” a secretary, walking by, asked.
“Yes,” he replied, “how does this thing work?”
“Simple,” she said, taking the fat report from his hand and feeding it into the shredder.
“Thanks, but where do the copies come out?”
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A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling back and forth.
A cop on the beat sees him and approaches “Can I help you, sir?”” “Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr,” the man replies.
The cop asks, “Where was your car the last time you saw it?”
“It wasss on the end of thisshh key,” the man replies.
About that time the cop looks down and sees the man’s wiener hanging out of his fly for the entire world to see.
He asks the man, “Sir, are you aware that you are exposing yourself?”
Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and without missing a beat, blurts out….. “I’ll be damned —– My girlfriend’s gone, too!”
