Blakk Frogg Joke Blog

A Montana cowboy was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.

The driver, a young man in an Armani suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, “If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?”

The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, “Sure, Why not?”

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, “You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.”

“That’s right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,” says the cowboy.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then the cowboy says to the young man, “Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give back my calf?”

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, “Okay, why not?”

You’re a Congressman for the U.S. Government,” says the cowboy. “Wow! That’s correct,” says the yuppie. “But how did you guess that?”

“No guessing required,” answered the cowboy. “You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don’t know a thing about cows… this is a herd of sheep…… Now give me back my dog.”

Americas Best MySpace Animal Comments

Two buddies, George and Terry, are getting very drunk at a bar when suddenly Terry throws up all over himself. “Oh, no. Now Carolyn will kill me!”

George says, “Don’t worry, pal. Just tuck a twenty in your breast pocket and tell Carolyn that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the dry cleaning bill.”

So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker. Eventually, Terry strolls into his home where Carolyn starts to give him a really hard
time.

“You reek of alcohol and you’ve puked all over yourself! My God, you’re disgusting!”

Speaking very carefully and doing his best not to slur, Terry says, “Nowainaminit, I can e’splain everythin! Itsh not wha j! ew think. I only had a cupla drrrinks. But thiss other guy got ssick on me . . . he had one too many and he juss couldin hold hizz liquor. He said he was verrry sorry an’gave me twennie bucks for the cleaning bill!”

Carolyn looks in the breast pocket and says, “But this is forty bucks!”

“Oh, yeah… I almos’ fergot, … he shhhit in my pants, too.”

Americas Best MySpace Drinking Comments

In the beginning God covered the earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, with green, yellow and red vegetables of all kinds so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

Then using God’s bountiful gifts, Satan created Dairy Ice Cream and Magnums.

And Satan said, ‘You want hot fudge with that? And Man said, ‘Yes!’ And Woman said, ‘I’ll have one, too, with chocolate chips’. And lo they gained 10 pounds.

And God created the healthy yogurt that woman might keep the figure that man found so fair.

And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 12 to size 14 with man’s waist shooting from 34 to 42.

So God said, ‘Try my fresh green salad’.

And Satan presented Blue Cheese dressing and garlic croutons on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

God then said ‘I have sent you healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them’.

And Satan brought forth deep fried coconut king prawns, butter-dipped lobster chunks and chicken fried steak, so big it needed its own platter, and Mankind’s cholesterol went through the roof.

Then God brought forth the potato; naturally low in fat and brimming with potassium and good nutrition.

Then Satan peeled off the healthy skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them in animal fats adding copious quantities of salt. And Man put on more pounds.

God then brought forth running shoes so that his Children might lose those extra pounds.

And Satan came forth with a cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering light and started wearing stretch jogging suits, unflattering spandex, and pants with elastic waistbands.

Then God gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite.

And Satan created McDonald’s with its 99 cent double cheeseburger. Then Satan said ‘You want fries with that?’ and Man replied, ‘Yes, and super size ’em’. And Satan said, ‘It is good.’

And Man and Woman went into cardiac arrest.

God sighed ……… and created quadruple by-pass surgery so mankind could save itself from certain doom.

And then ………… Satan chuckled and created Health Insurance Companies and HMO’s.

Americas Best MySpace Sex Comments

For anyone confused about what makes the mind of woman different from the mind of a man, well, the following comparison should clear up any confusion:

From the mind of a woman came…

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who’s not a creep,

One who’s handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,

One who thinks before he speaks,
One who’ll call, not wait for weeks.

I pray he’s gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won’t be annoyed.

Pulls out my chair and opens my door.
Massages my back and begs to do more.

Oh! Send me a man who’ll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to ‘how big is my behind?’

I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.

From the mind of a man came…

I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac,
With huge boobs,
Who owns a bar on a golf course,

And loves to send me fishing,
And drinking.

This doesn’t rhyme,
And I don’t give a shit.

Larry gets home late one night and his wife, Linda, says, “Where in the hell have you been?” Larry replies, “I was out getting a tattoo.”

“A tattoo?” she frowned. “What kind of tattoo did you get?” “I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates!” he said proudly.

“What the hell were you thinking?” she said, shaking her head in disdain. “Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his privates?”

“Well, one, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a while I like to play with my money. Three, I like how money feels in my hand. And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want.”

Larry is recovering in room 232 at Mercy Hospital.

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Funny/Sexy/Sarcastic/Stupid MySpace Comments

After a long night of making love, the guy notices a photo of another man on the woman’s nightstand by the bed. He begins to worry.

“Is this your husband?” he nervously asks.

“No, silly,” she replies, snuggling up to him.

“Your boyfriend, then?” he continues.

“No, not at all,” she says, nibbling away at his ear.

“Is it your dad or your brother?” he inquires, hoping to be reassured.

“No, no, no! You are so hot when you’re jealous!”
she answers.

“Well, who in the hell is he, then?” he demands.

She whispers in his ear “That’s me before the surgery.”

Sarcastic MySpace Comments

A man walks into a lawyer’s office and asks how much the barrister’s rates are. The lawyer says, “Fifty dollars for three questions.”

The man asks, “Isn’t that awfully expensive?”

“Yes,” the lawyer replies. “What’s your third question?”

Sarcastic MySpace Comments

I went to a psychiatrist because I was having severe problems with my sex life. The psychiatrist asked me a lot of questions, but didn’t seem to be getting a clear picture of my problems.

Finally he asked, “Do you ever watch your girlfriend’s face while you’re having sex?”

“Well, yes, I did once.”

“Well, how did she look?”

“Oh boy… she looked VERY angry!”

At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere and he said, “Well that’s very interesting, we must look into this further. Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your girlfriend’s face once during sex. That seems somewhat unusual to me. How did it occur that you saw her face that time?”

“She was watching us through the window!”

Sarcastic Picture Comments

A blonde’s car breaks down on the Interstate one day. So she eases it over onto the shoulder of the road. She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk.

Out jump two men in trench coats who walk to the rear of the vehicle where they stand facing oncoming traffic and begin opening their coats and exposing their nude bodies to approaching drivers.

Not surprisingly, one of the worst pileups in the history of this highway occurs.

It’s not very long before a police car shows up.

The cop, clearly enraged, runs toward the blonde of the disabled vehicle yelling, “What the hell is going on here?”

“My car broke down,” says the lady, calmly.

“Well, what are these perverts doing here by the road?!” asks the cop…

And she said….

(This is good…)

(Ready?)

(Remember, she’s a blonde…)

“Those are my emergency flashers!” she replied.

Flash Me! I’m Bored!

Every Sunday afternoon everyone in the neighborhood would meet at the nearby cross roads and country store to compare their weekend catches. Everyone had normal size fish except this one old farmer who had always brought in huge fish.

The game warden heard about this and showed up one Sunday afternoon. After inspecting the old farmers fish, he turned to the farmer and said “If you don’t show me your fishing spot , I’m going to have to close you down.”

The farmer replied by telling him to come out to the farm in the morning and he would take him fishing.

The next morning the game warden shows up with his pole and the farmer tells him to climb onto the tractor. They head out into this big field until they come to a little pond.

The warden is scratching his head because all he sees is a rotten old skiff, when he expected a large lake and something closer to a yacht.

The farmer said to get in and they start rowing out to the middle. About this time the warden notices that there are no fishing poles.

As he is about to say something, the farmer reaches into a box and pulls out a stick of dynamite, lights it and throws it into the pond.

After the water and smoke settle, he paddles around picking up the fish.

The warden’s jaw is on the deck. He can’t talk for a minute. When he finds his voice, he starts in on the farmer about how he can’t believe what just happened and starts screaming to the farmer about all the regulations he has broken.

While this is taking place the farmer calmly reaches into the box grabs another stick of dynamite, lights it, hands it to the warden and asks him if he is going to fish or talk.

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