Blakk Frogg Joke Blog

1. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book. It’s called “Ministers Do More Than Lay People.”

2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.

3. The difference between the Pope and your boss… the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.

4. My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.

5. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you’re in the bathroom.

6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood.

7. It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there’s shipping and handling, too.

8. A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.

9. My next house will have no kitchen – just vending machines and a large trash can.

10. A blonde said, “I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off. I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid.”

11. I’m so depressed. My doctor refused to write me a prescription for Viagra. He said it would be like putting a new flagpole on a condemned building.

12. My neighbor was bit by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was and found him writing frantically on a piece of paper. I told him rabies could be treated, and he didn’t have to worry about a Will. He said, “Will? What Will? I’m making a list of the people I want to bite.”

13. Definition of a teenager? God’s punishment for enjoying sex.

14. As you slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way.

One afternoon, a woman and her little daughter went into a large toy store. The mother asked her daughter what toys she wanted.

The little girl said, “I want GI Joe and Barbie.”

The mother smiled and said, “Darling, you know Barbie doesn’t come with GI Joe.”

The little girl looked up at her mom sternly and replied, “Mom, Barbie ALWAYS comes with GI Joe. She just FAKES it with Ken.”

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Two Texans, Jim and Bob, are sitting at their favorite bar, drinking beer.

Jim turns to Bob and says, “You know, I’m tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I’ll go to the community college, and sign up for some classes.” Bob thinks it’s a good idea, and the two leave.

The next day, Jim goes down to the college and meets Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math, English, History, and Logic.

“Logic?” Jim says. “What’s that?”

The dean says, “I’ll give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?”

“Yeah.”

“Then logically speaking, because you own a weed eater, I think that you would have a yard.”

“That’s true, I do have a yard.”

“I’m not done,” the dean says. “Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house.”

“Yes, I do have a house.”

“And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family.”

“Yes, I have a family.”

“I’m not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife. And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a heterosexual.”

“I am a heterosexual. That’s amazing, you were able to find out all of that because I have a weed eater.”

Excited to take the class now, Jim shakes the Dean’s hand and leaves to go meet Bob at the bar. He tells Bob about his classes, how he is signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic.

“Logic?” Bob says, “What’s that?”

Jim says, “I’ll give you an example. Do you have a weed eater?”

“No.”

“Then you’re a queer.”

One Sunday morning, everyone in one bright, beautiful, tiny town got up early and went to the local church.

Before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking about their lives, their families, etc. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon everyone was evacuated from the church, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving… seemingly oblivious to the fact that God’s ultimate enemy was in his presence.

Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, “Don’t you know who I am?”

The man replied, “Yep, sure do.”

Satan asked, “Aren’t you afraid of me?”

“Nope, sure ain’t,” said the man.

Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, “Why aren’t you afraid of me?”

The man calmly replied, “Been married to your sister for over 48 years.”

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 now & we don’t know where the hell she is!

The only reason I would take up jogging is so I could hear heavy breathing again.

I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven’t lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up?

I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I’m doing.

I don’t exercise at all. If God meant us to touch our toes, he would have put them further up our body.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

I don’t jog… it makes the ice jump right out of my glass.

Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car (a Grand Caravan) along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident.

The mind numbing question is: Who was the survivor?

Scroll down for the answer…

The perfect woman survived. She’s the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man. Women stop reading here. That is the end of the joke.

Men keep’a scrollin’…

So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. And that explains why there was a car accident. By the way, if you’re a woman and you’re reading this, this illustrates another point:

Women never listen, either.

A telegram delivery man rings the bell to deliver his next telegram. An old woman answers and says “Oh goody! A singing telegram. I’ve always wanted to get one of these.”

The delivery man replies, “I’m sorry ma’am but this isn’t a singing telegram, it’s just a regular telegram.”

The woman, obviously disappointed, sighs and says, “Couldn’t you sing it to me anyway? I’m 91 years old and this may be my last chance to get a singing telegram?”

The delivery man says, “No ma’am, it’s not the kind of telegram you sing, and I don’t sing very well anyway.”

The woman pleads and pleads with him, “Please, please sing me telegram…”

The man finally gives in and starts-up, “Da-da-de-dum-dum-dum… Your sister Rose is dead…”

Regardless of where you stand on the issue of the U.S. involvement in Iraq, here’s a sobering statistic:

There has been a monthly average of 160,000 troops in the Iraq theatre of operations during the last 22 months, and a total of 2,112 deaths.

That gives a firearm death rate of 60 per 100,000 soldiers.

The firearm death rate in Washington D.C. is 80.6 per 100,000 persons for the same period.

That means that you are about 25% more likely to be shot and killed in the U.S. Capital than you are in Iraq.

Conclusion: The U.S. should pull out of Washington DC.

If you want someone who will eat whatever you put in front of him and never says its not quite as good as his mother made it…

Then buy a dog.

If you want someone always willing to go out, at any hour, for as long and wherever you want …..

Then buy a dog.

If you want someone who will never touch the remote, doesn’t care about football, and can sit next to you as you watch romantic movies ……

Then buy a dog.

If you want someone who is content to get up on your bed just to warm your feet and whom you can push off if he snores …

Then buy a dog.

If you want someone who never criticizes what you do, doesn’t care if you are pretty or ugly, fat or thin, young or old, who acts as if every word you say is especially worthy of listening to, and loves you unconditionally, perpetually …..

Then buy a dog.

But, on the other hand, if you want someone who will never come when you call, ignores you totally when you come home, leaves hair all over the place, walks all over you, runs around all night and only comes home to eat and sleep, and acts as if your entire existence is solely to ensure his happiness…..

Wait for it….

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then buy a cat!

The Englishman’s wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear. Good God, woman! Why aren’t you wearing any knickers?” her husband demanded. Well, you don’t give me enough housekeeping money to afford any.” The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, “For the sake of decency, here’s £50. Go and buy yourself some underwear.”

Next, the Irishman’s wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she, too, is wearing no undies. Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You’ve no knickers. Why not?” She replies, “I can’t afford any on the money you give me.” He reaches into his pocket and says, “For the sake of decency, here’s £20. Go and buy yourself some underwear!”

Lastly, the Scotsman’s wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it. Sweet mudder of Jaysus, Aggie! Where the frig are yer drawers?” She too explains, “You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any.” The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, “Well, fer the love ‘o decency, here’s a comb….. Tidy yerself up a bit.”