Blakk Frogg Joke Blog

1. You hand a bank teller an envelope, and when she asks, “What’s this?” you realize you just dropped the company’s deposit in a mailbox.

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2. A woman comes into the store, you turn to the other salesman and say, “I waited on the last fat ugly old lady. This one’s your turn.” Your boss was standing behind you. It’s his wife.

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3. You return from a week’s vacation to find that you had scheduled this week as vacation, not last week.

4. You take a “sick” day and the next morning the boss asks you, “So, how was the fishing on Rock Creek yesterday?”

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5. You wake up hung over. You have a black eye and bloody knuckles. Your underwear are missing. You’re in jail. Last night was the company Christmas party.

Blakk Frogg says, “Always remember where you park your wheels.”

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Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the Night celebrating Ireland’s draw with Germany.

Mick, the bartender says, “You’ll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy”. Paddy replies “OK Mick, I’ll be on my way then.”

Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face. “Sh#te,” he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face. He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he’ll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk. He falls flat on his face.

“I’m fockin’ focked,” he says. He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door and shimmies up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside. He takes a look up the stairs and says “No fockin’ way”. He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says “I can make it to the bed.” He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says “Fock it” and falls into bed.

The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, “Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?”. Paddy says, “I did Jess. I was fockin’ pissed. But how’d you know?”

“Mick called. You left your wheelchair at the pub.”

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Ever wonder what happened when Charlie Brown hit puberty? Blakk Frogg certainly did!

Would that ‘blockhead’ actually develop a set of nuts and shove his cartoon meat stick in a classmate or would he spend the bulk of his adolescence frequenting pay-per-view porn theaters dodging gooey stains on the floor?

After some reseach, we finally have the answer:

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OK, folks, there you have it. Charlie Brown had a rough start to puberty but once he got the hang of his newly found appendage, he became a true pimp.

For most people, Thanksgiving is a time to reflect on what we’ve been given and savor the scents of crisp autumn days and pumpkin pie. For me, it’s a little more complicated.

One November afternoon when my daughter was in kindergarten, I picked her up after school. She bobbed out to the car and crawled into the back seat.

“What did you do today?” I asked. She couldn’t wait to tell me.

“We learned that boys are different from girls,” she chirped. Looking into the rearview mirror, I could just see the top of her head. “My teacher told us that boys have a thing the girls don’t,” she added

“Well, yes they do…” I said cautiously. I couldn’t think of anything else to say, so we were quiet for a moment.

Then she piped up again. “That’s how girls know that boys are boys,” she said. “They see that thing that hangs down and they know that he is a boy.”

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I mentally calculated the distance home. Our five-minute commute already felt like an hour. “Did you know that when the boys see a girl they puff up?” My palms were beginning to sweat. “Um…well.. .” I was still searching for something new to say, to change the subject, when she asked, “Why do the girls like the boys to have those things?”

Well I didn’t know what to say. I mean, what woman hasn’t asked herself that question at least once? “Oh, well…um… ” I stammered.

She didn’t wait for my answer. She had her own. “It’s cause it moves when they walk and then the girls see that and that’s when they know they are boys and that’s when they like them. Then the boy sees the girl and he puffs up, and then the girl knows he likes her, too. And then they get married. And then they get cooked.”

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That last part confused me a bit, but on the whole I thought she had a pretty good grasp on things.

As soon as we got home and I pulled into the garage, she hopped out of the car, fishing something out of her school bag. “I drew a picture,” she said. “Do you want to see?”

I wasn’t sure I did, but I looked at it anyway. I had to sit down.

There, all puffed up so to speak, looking mighty attractive for the ladies, was a crayon drawing of a great big Tom Turkey. His snood, the thing that hangs down over his beak, the thing that female turkeys find so irresistible, was magnificent. His tail feathers were standing tall and proud.

She was a little offended that I laughed so hard at her drawing, and laughed until I cried. But when I told her I loved it – and I did – she got over her pique.

That was the end of that, for her anyway. But I’m not so lucky. Every year I remember that conversation. And to be honest, I haven’t looked at a turkey, or a man, the same way since!

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Note: That was the first ‘Turkey’ comment that Blakk Frogg could find, so cut him some slack, will ya’? Sheesh.

Blakk Frogg finds some people waaaaay too vain for their own good. Read this joke and find out what happens when vanity turns around and bites this guy in the ass!

An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond compare. With that as his mission, he began to search for the perfect woman.

Shortly there after he met a Redneck who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. With lust in his eyes and love (for himself!) in his heart, he explained his mission to the Redneck and asked for permission to marry one of them.

The Redneck simply replied, “They’re lookin’ to get married, so you came to the right place. Look ’em over and pick the one you want.”

The man dated the first daughter.

The next day the Redneck asked for the man’s opinion.

“Well,” said the man, “she’s just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice… pigeon-toed.”

The Redneck nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter.

The next day, the Redneck again asked how things went.

“Well,” the man replied, “she’s just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell.. cross-eyed.”

The Redneck nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did.

The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, “She’s perfect, just perfect. She’s the one I want to marry.”

So they were wed right away. Months later the baby was born. When the man visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law and asked how such a thing could happen considering the beauty of the parents.

“Well,” explained the Redneck, “She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell… pregnant when you met her.”

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Someday Blakk Frogg will find himself sitting across the table from his beloved wife, if he ever gets one, and have this exact same conversation. Scary, but true.

An elderly couple was sitting at the kitchen table on the morning of their 50th Wedding Anniversary.

“You know,” she said, “we were probably sitting in the kitchen across from each other 50 years ago.”

“Yeah,” he said, “but we were probably naked.”

“So let’s get naked now,” she suggested.

So they both took off all their clothes and sat across from each other.

“You know,” she said smiling lovingly, “my breasts feel just as hot for you today as they were 50 years ago.”

He replied, “I’m sure they are – one is in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal.”

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A recent study determined that many women do not take life seriously, and as a result, fail to dress appropriately for important job-related events such as interviews, their first day on the job, business meetings with clients, etc.

As a result, they do not get hired, make a bad impression on their first day of work, and/or do not land the ‘big account’.

As a courtesy to the women who feel they may need guidance in how to dress for important job-related events, the Department of Labor has put together a highly detailed illustration of what it considers ‘appropriate dress attire for successful women’.

See below:

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According to the Department of Labor, they sent this woman out on 43 job interviews and she got hired all 43 times w/o even showing her resume.

See? Proper attire DOES make a difference.

Dear Husband:

I’m writing you this letter to tell you that I’m leaving you for good.

I’ve been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it.

These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn’t notice that I had gotten my hair and nails done, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new negligee. You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching the game.

You don’t tell me you love me anymore, you don’t touch me or anything. Either you’re cheating or you don’t love me anymore, whatever the case is, I’m gone.

P.S. If you’re trying to find me, don’t. Your BROTHER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!

Signed Your Ex-Wife

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And Now The Husband’s Response

Dear Ex-Wife:

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It’s true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you’ve been. I watch sports so much to try to drown out your constant nagging. Too bad that doesn’t work. I did notice when you cut off all of your hair last week, the first thing that came to mind was “You look just like a man!” My mother raised me to not say anything if you can’t say anything nice.

When you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. I went to sleep on you when you had on that new negligee because the price tag was still on it. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your negligee was $49.99.

After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have the filling life you always wanted. My lawyer said with your letter that you wrote, you won’t get a dime from me. So take care.

P.S. I don’t know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother was born Carla. I hope that’s not a problem.

Signed Rich and Free!

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Everyone knows Blakk Frogg likes to drink. Therefore, he proudly presents you with a joke about the creation of a new, yummy mixed drink BOUND to make the ladies squeal!

A guy walks into a bar, sits down and asks, “Bartender, got any specials today?”

Bartender answers, “Why yes, as a matter of fact we do, a brand new drink invented by a gynecologist patron of ours. It’s a mix of Pabst Blue Ribbon Beer and Smirnoff Vodka.”

The guy asks, “Good grief, what do you call that?”

The bartender replied, “A Pabst Smir.”

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A Greek and Italian were sitting in a Starbucks’ one day discussing who had the superior culture.

Over triple lattes, the Greek guy says, “Well, we have the Parthenon.”

Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replies, “We have the Coliseum.”

The Greek retorts, “We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics.”

The Italian, nodding agreement, says, “But we built the Roman Empire.”

And so on and so on, until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion… With a flourish of finality he says, “We invented sex!”

The Italian replies, “That is true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women.”

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