Blakk Frogg Joke Blog

Dear Wife,

During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days. The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:

54 times the sheets were clean
17 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too hot
15 times you pretended to be sleep
22 times you had a headache
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you had to get up early
9 times you said weren’t in the mood
7 times you were sunburned
6 times you were watching the late show
5 times you didn’t want to mess up your new hairdo
3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
9 times you said your mother would hear us

Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because:

6 times you just laid there
8 times you reminded me there’s a crack in the ceiling
4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with
7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished
1 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move

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TO MY DEAR HUSBAND:

I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didn’t get more than you did:

5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat
36 times you did not come home at all
21 times you didn’t come with energy
33 times you came too soon
19 times you went soft before you got in
38 times you worked too late
10 times you got cramps in your toes
29 times you had to get up early to play golf
2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls
4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
2 times you had a splinter in your finger
20 times you lost the motion after thinking about it all day
6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book
98 times you were too busy watching TV

Of the times we did get together:

The reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the sheets.

I wasn’t talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was, “Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?”

The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe.

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Whenever a man has something to say, you can be sure a woman always has to have her say in the end…

He said… Want a quickie?

She said… As opposed to what?

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He said… I don’t know why you wear a bra; you’ve got nothing to put in it.She said… You wear briefs, don’t you?

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He said… Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?She said… Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.

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He said… This coffee isn’t fit for a pig!She said… No problem, I’ll get you some that is.

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He said… Since I first laid eyes on you, I’ve wanted to make love to you in the worst way.She said… Well, you succeeded.

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Priest… I don’t think you will ever find another man like your late husband.She said… Who’s gonna look?

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He said… You have a flat chest and need to shave your legs, have you ever been mistaken for a man?She said… No, have you?

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He said… Why do you women always try to impress us with your looks, not with your brains?She said… Because there is a bigger chance that a man is a moron than he is blind.

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He said… Let’s go out and have some fun tonight.She said… Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.

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He said… Why don’t you tell me when you have an orgasm?She said… I would, but you’re never there.

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He said… Since I first laid eyes on you, I’ve wanted to make love to you really badly.She said… Well, you succeeded.

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He said… Shall we try swapping positions tonight?She said… That’s a good idea… You stand by the ironing board, while I sit on the sofa and fart.

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He said… What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?She said… Turn sideways and look in the mirror you fat bastard.

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AND FINALLY ONE FOR THE GUYS!

She said… What do you mean by coming home half drunk?

He said… It’s not my fault…I ran out of money.

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Blakk Frogg has grown sick of ads like this one piling up in his mailbox. So what did he do? He critiqued a recent one for your reading pleasure. Bold face type is the ad, the regular italicized type is what went through his mind as he read the thing.

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Dear Blakkfrogg-269U,

67% of women desire a “bigger” man…

maybe I should eat more!

From the Creator of [product name 1] comes [product name 2], the most powerful penis enlargement pill on the market!

I’m so tiny that I’ll need TWO products to make me a man again? My life really DOES suck… 

GO BIG…

value meal terminology referring for my schlong? So so wrong… 

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SATISFY HER BETTER THAN ANY MAN CAN!!!

but a woman will STILL do it better, right?

OVER 120,000,000 CAPSULES SOLD!!!

at a guaranteed 3 inches per pill, that’s 360,000,000 inches or 30 million feet of increased pecker length. Hmmm… I wonder how many miles of wiener that works out to be?

Do you want a larger and firmer penis? not in church, no

Do you want to give your partner more pleasure? what will I get in return?

Do you want to stay ROCK HARD longer? women just LOVE granite between their loins!Our Revolutionary Pill Can Enlarge Your Penis Up to 3-FULL-INCHES. 100% GUARANTEED!

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and HOW does one file a complaint if the product fails? before and after photos? signed affidavits from disappointed sex partners?

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And now for a few final words on the topic from Blakk Frogg….

Blakk Frogg understands targeting males, but he works with a woman who gets ads like this one, minus the commentary, all the time. Oh, now he gets it: As a woman it would be doing her woefully inadequate male partner a favor by ordering these behind his back and slipping them into his beverages at dinner.

“Wow, honey. That dinner was fantastic and… Hey! What’s this? Your pot roast gave me a woodie!” exclaimed the astonished previously puny peckered man.

Enough is enough. Repeatedly making guys feel like they aren’t packing enough meat can’t REALLY be all that successful a marketing campaign, can it? If so, then maybe it isn’t the small peckers that are the problem. Maybe it’s small minds.

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Blakk Frogg feels perfectly happy with his vienna sausage… when he can find it, that is. :-/

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A woman walking down the street when was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked her for a couple of dollars for dinner.

She took out her wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, “If I give you this money, will you buy some wine with it instead of dinner?”

“No, I had to stop drinking years ago,” the homeless woman told her.

“Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?” she asked.

“No, I don’t waste time shopping,” the homeless woman said. “I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.”

“Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?” she asked.

“Are you NUTS!” replied the homeless woman. “I haven’t had my hair done in 20 years!”

“Well,” the woman said, “I’m not going to give you the money. Instead, I’m going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight. “

This shocked the homeless woman. “Won’t your husband be furious with you for doing that? I mean, like, I know I’m dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting…”

To which the woman warmly replied, “That’s okay. It’s important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine.”

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Blakk Frogg says, “Man or woman who not listen to words of wisdom is either deaf or really stupid.”

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Marriage is like taking a hot bath. After you’ve been in it for awhile … it isn’t so hot.

I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and think, ‘Well, that’s not going to happen.’

If you’re playing a poker game and you look around the table and can’t tell who the sucker is — it’s you.

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Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

I asked Mom if I was a gifted child … she said they certainly wouldn’t have paid for me.

Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to.

According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about women is their eyes. And women say the first thing they notice about men is they’re a bunch of liars.

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Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut save you thirty cents?

In the 60s people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

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If you remember the 60s, you weren’t there.

Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a barbecue?

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Doctors can be frustrating. You wait a month-and-a-half for an appointment, and he says, “I wish you’d come to me sooner.”

You read about all these terrorists, most of whom came here legally, but hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10-15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster; you are two days late with a video and these people are all over you. Let’s put Blockbuster in charge of immigration!

Note: This all sounds like commentary from George Carlin… so Blakk Frogg suggests you go and see what elses that crazy bastard has said lately!

Having nice sex burns 358 calories.

Having rough sex [making it hurt] burns 543 calories.

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Take off her clothes with her consent: 12 cal

Take off her clothes without her consent: 187 cal

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Take off her bra with two hands: 8 cal

Take off her bra with one hand: 12 cal

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Take off her bra with mouth: 85 cal

Putting on Protection …

Hard: 6 cal
Soft: 315 cal

Foreplay …

Looking for Target: 8 cal
Finding G spot: 92 cal
I Don’t F#$king Care: 0 cal

Entry …

Holding Her: 12 cal
On the Floor: 8 cal

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Entry With Different Position …

Missionary: 358 cal
Doggy: 316 cal
69 Lying: 286 cal
69 Standing: 512 cal
Italian Hanger: 912 cal

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Orgasm …

Real: 112 cal
Faking It: 315 cal

After the ‘Big O’ …

Lying in Bed: 18 cal
Hop off the Bed: 36 cal
Wondering why she left pissed off: 816 cal

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Getting Dressed …

Quiet and Calm: 32 cal
Rushing: 98 cal
Her Boyfriend Opening the Door: 1218 cal
Her Dad opening the Door: 1942 cal

Here is a riddle for the true intellectual. Try to come up with the answer on your own….. The answer is at the end for those who are unable to think this one through.

Here’s the riddle:

At the exact same time, there are two 35 year old men on opposite sides of the world. One is walking a tightrope between two skyscrapers. The other is getting a blowjob from an 85 year old woman.

They are both thinking the exact same thing.

What are they thinking?

Have you figured it out yet? Not yet? Well keep thinking and then scroll down some more.

Don’t look down! … Don’t look down! … Don’t look down!

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Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Tester Named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:

“Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge’s table asking directions to the beer wagon, when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn’t be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.” Here are the scorecards from the event:

CHILI # 1 MIKE’S MANIAC MOBSTER MONSTER CHILI

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that’s the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chili #1: MIKE’S MANIAC MOBSTER MONSTER CHILI

Chili #2: ARTHUR’S AFTERBURNER CHILI

Chili #3: FRED’S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI

Chili #4: BUBBA’S BLACK MAGIC

Chili #5: LINDA’S LEGAL LIP REMOVER

Chili #6: VERA’S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY

Chili #7: SUSAN’S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI

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A woman’s husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.

One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears…

“You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times.”

“When I got fired, you were there to support me.”

“When my business failed, you were there.”

“When I got shot, you were by my side.”

“When we lost the house, you stayed right here.”

“When my health started failing, you were still by my side…”

“You know what?”

“What my dear?” she gently asked, smiling and leaning closer as her heart filled with warmth.

“You’re bad luck, get the f$#k away from me.”

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1) Did you fart, cause you blew me away.

2) Are your parents retarded, ’cause you sure are special.

3) My Love for you is like diarrhea … I can’t hold it in and it runs like a river.

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4) Do you have a library card, ’cause I’d sure like to sign you out.

5) Is there a mirror in your pants? Because I can see myself in them.

6) If you and I were Squirrels, I’d store my nuts in your hole.

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7) You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away, sweetheart.

8) Man – “Fat Penguin!”
Woman – “WHAT?”
Man – “I just wanted to say something that would break the ice.”

9) I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your bed-rock.

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10) I can’t find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room.

11) Your eyes are as blue as window cleaner.

12) If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.

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and…. saving the best for last!

13) Your face reminds me of a wrench, every time I think of it my nuts tighten up.