Dennis had a problem sleeping at night and consequently he had a habit of getting up late in the morning. As a result, he was always late for work. His boss was getting very angry with him, and threatened to fire him if he didn’t do something about the problem. So Dennis went to his doctor, who gave him a pill and told him to take it at night to help him sleep.
Dennis slept very well, and actually got up before his alarm went off. After enjoying a leisurely breakfast, he cheerfully drove to work, where his boss greeted him at the door.
“Boss, the pill the doctor gave me actually worked!”
“How nice for you,” his boss glared, “but where were you yesterday?”
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Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, got drafted by the Army.
On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.
On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.
On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.
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Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Maude: What in the hell is that?
Mabel: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn’t get wet.
Maude: Where did you get it?
Mabel: You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.
“Doesn’t matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.”
The pharmacist fainted.
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